The ME Daily

For The Sake Of Allah

2011-07-04T04:29:00.000-05:00

He who hunts for flowers will finds flowers; and he who loves weeds will find weeds.
- Henry Ward Beecher

I had always wondered how West Texas was. When I went to Midland few weeks back little did I expect thousands of windmills on my way. The city was a little dusty with hot air blowing most of the time. The night was bright. When I looked out I thought the sky was lit up by the lights of those numerous oil drills but it was the moon instead. The sky looked boundless and the land flat in all directions. The horizon looked equidistant every angle I looked toward. West Texas is only oil and desert. It's not the desert with sand and sand dunes. It's just a dry and flat plain with very little forest. The ground is sandy but there are shrubs and grass almost everywhere. The grass is mostly brown.

I was there with a co-worker to work on three sites. Little did we expect one of them to have some equipment outside the shelter. It was a tough job which had to be done. There were more teams coming in when we were leaving. Looking at the oil industry there, I would never believe anybody who says we are going to burn up all the oil in coming few years. They are still drilling. The liquid never stops flowing out. There are trains carrying drilling machinery, pipes, tankers and chemicals. There are junkyards for the old equipment involved in oil mining. The city is booming. And they need better communication networks.

I have had a lot of time off since I got back from Midland. A part of it went in getting some parts in my car replaced. Then there was my cousin's wedding with four dinners and two lunches to attend. I skipped one of these. But I had fun. Before the celebrations started I never tried to imagine how it was going to be. I was excited about the people I was going to meet again. And alhamdulillah I enjoyed. The occasion even turned out to make me shave my already thick beard. I had people who started thinking I was going to keep it. I was more worried about how I was feeling.

Few Fridays back I realized a change in the way I look at people with darker skin. Though I always had it in my heart I was ashamed to discuss about how I had more inclination towards lighter skin. That Friday, in the mosque, I looked at a kid who was probably eight years old and smiled at his innocence. It reminded me of my days in West Dallas with close interactions with a less fortunate African American community. Kids of even the worst men and women brought a smile on my face. I would always think how difficult Allah has made the test for them and how much blessed I am. That Friday I realized I don't think about color anymore. I realized I had stopped bothering about my skin tan. Somehow I didn't have any guilt for the bias I had been carrying. Probably because my right priorities and focus corrected a long time flaw and I had hope that Allah would forgive me.

I feel like I have been holding back my urge to write every time I get it. From somewhere an understanding had set into me making me feel immature to get excited about anything or even get motivated by something. I am absolutely not in agreement with this thought even after it has gripped me so well. It's not that I am scared to stand by my opinions. I have been building a tendency to shy away from them. Perhaps getting a balance is the right way to approach. Maturity lies in deciding when to let it happen and when to hold it back. It will take time. I will learn and someday it would appear like a thing I have learned. It would be inherent to me as if it has always been a part of me and occasionally putting me to shame when I think of some naive moments from the past.

Apart from helping me stay connected with my contacts, Facebook has started giving me insights on the psychology we carry. The other day I posted a picture of a mule and thought how I ended up putting up a picture of an animal. I let it be there because I stopped thinking about it. I was surprised to see some of my friends get interested in it. I think I have posted more interesting things in the past that I thought should have attracted more attention and nobody even bothered to ask. In past I have uploaded many pictures of me but the one that grabbed most curiosity was the one in which I had a beard. It looked obvious yet surprised me. Honestly, I think there were pictures I was looking better in and this one should have been snubbed at.

My news feed entertains me the most. I have teenagers, people of my age, people in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s in my friends' list. As for teenagers I can imagine how I was when I went through what they are learning now and I totally agree with even the most irrational thing they put up. It's the people of my age that amuse me. Perhaps if I had Facebook five to eight years back I would have exactly been like the teenagers I see now. But these few guys of my age group surprise me with their reaction to their lives. I wouldn't comment much because there is always a possibility that I don't get everything right. But as a fact that I won't be reluctant in sharing, I see some people of my age and some teenagers showing similar levels of emotions. I can't help but assume.

When I had a status message about a fake wedding in Great Britain I could see the reactions of some friends who made it clear how much they are into such hypes. I see people commenting about Wimbledon - a tournament of a game they had never played in their lives. Yes, there is nothing wrong it enjoying that game but there is no point in telling everybody who won it and add emotions to it. I have friends who post stuff related to Islam and have pictures of them going to dance parties. They post verses of the Holy Quran and have big lists in their profile's music section. Then there are some who see nothing in life but what they have gained from their religious meetings. Allah knows the right way. I am comparing myself to others and checking for changes.

I recently got rid of a guy who cheated me, used me and never acknowledged my friendship towards him. He was my roommate for last few months after he had started staying with me saying he would leave in a month. He lied to me about many things, was selfish, cheated me, used me and left. I was happy he found a full-time job. There is no way that he can come back now. I kept patience all the time. My other roommate kept patience. I always tell myself that everything I did for him was for Allah's sake. I hold nothing against him now. I just want to get used to not talking about him. I am living with a friend now who might leave soon too. I have no idea what I am going to do after that about this apartment. I like this place - it looks safe, it's new, clean and has a view of a creek through the living room that opens into a patio.

Second

2011-06-02T17:10:00.005-05:00

A dream deferred is a dream denied.
- Langston Hughes

The birds in the backyard kept punching their beaks on the feed all through the afternoon. I was glad I could get a glimpse of a humming bird that came for the nectar in the inverted glass bottle. This bottle's cap spreads into four openings each of them resembling a flower. The sweet liquid drips into the center of these red flowers attracting the humming birds. I could only see the bird fly away. It was fast. The feed for other birds is in a big box that's inverted too making the it spread onto a small tray under it's opening. It's designed for sparrows and the grains that fell from the tray were picked by some bigger birds. I don't remember their names now.

I was in Austin for two days with the best thing being the cricket we played in a tennis court. That was probably after more than three years I played this game and it left me tired and half my body's muscles aching. This even prevented us going out for fishing the next morning. The birds definitely kept me entertained for a while. A friend whose brother lives in north of Austin was with me. I could take him there from Dallas in less than three hours even after an ice cream break at Braum's. On our way back I was sleepy and had to take a nap. So, it took us longer to get back. The days are longer now and the sun seems to be getting real hot.

The humidity increases making it more difficult to even stand outside. The temperature has not yet crossed 100 degrees F and it's going to be terrible once that happens. I keep asking my parents about the weather in Hyderabad. Even my phone has Hyderabad's weather notification setup. I know it's barely going to effect me, it feels good to know how it is back home. Alhamdulillah machines here keep things manageable which otherwise would have made life probably impossible. I love it when I can stay inside the blanket even in summers. I wrote the first two paragraphs in the afternoon and left it open. I had a heavy dinner a while ago and topped it with a mango. It makes me sleepy now. It feels like my eye lids are going to roll down by themselves.

Faces

2011-04-29T03:54:00.002-05:00

Everything's fine today, that is our illusion.
- Voltaire

Using my new table and chair reminds me of my time in front of the computer back in India. Only that the table back there was too big and the chair just plastic. I got these new ones from Ikea back in March for under $150 but spent four hours assembling them and a shoe-rack. I took pictures of it out of the pride and sense of accomplishment I had after making many pieces one. I went to Ikea just to get a shoe-rack but a table that found resting my hand on it made me feel that it was made for me. It had two drawers and a shelf that made me imagine my stuff fitting in them. I just had to spent some time looking for a matching chair.

After some very busy weeks of work I have been given an unusual rest. I am probably too new to even call it unusual but I was expecting a lot of work coming up that would have me visiting cities east and south of Dallas. I spent a few days doing that as well but right now it's nothing much but waste of time. It's been nice until now helping me learn new work almost every day. I have worked with people from various countries including the US but India. It's no surprise why most of us Indians don't like jobs like these - we cannot sacrifice our mornings and evenings easily, we are afraid of places with fewer or no people around and we think working in the field hurts our ego. Alhamdulillah I came over all this - money has that effect.

I had been thinking of updating this blog for a few days nearly everyday but couldn't even manage to get to think of writing - updating was the only thing in my mind. I always have things to say but not the willingness to say it. Meeting new people, making new friends and learning newer ways can always have unexpected reactions from those who like you the way you have been for years. I am not saying I have adopted newer ways that I am aware of. Or perhaps I am really not aware of the newness - I have many new perspectives though. Though I am fond of sharing my opinions often, I am going to hold back today.

I met a distant relative today who also is now a close friend of mine. We had some hookah and later went to play golf. Few months back we both were offered work inside Ericsson and he went ahead. I asked if wearing formal clothing to work everyday bothers him. To my surprise he replied in negative - not because he has made himself comfortable with them, but because he doesn't bother with the dress code Ericsson has set for it's employees. He told me about his boss and a few more people who don't care about the guideline. He added saying only desi people are always formally dressed. My friend is of Indian origin but he was born here. This makes me realize I haven't worn anything formal in last two months; I guess my dress socks is the only thing.

My voice sounds like my father's and it really makes me feel good about it. Like everybody, I think my voice is funny whenever somebody records it and plays it to me. It's my face that puts me to silence. I don't have a problem with it; I am very happy with how Allah has made me; I have lived with it for over 24 years and have come to love it; I would not take anything else in return. I resemble my mother. My mother resembles my grandfather. Even my mother's brother resembles my grandfather. Every time I shave my beard and look in the mirror I see my maternal grandfather. He left us forever four years ago.

That night his friend was there to give visit when he came to know about the death. I moved the white cloth away from my grandfather's face. He stood there staring at his friend for a few minutes with tears in his eyes and he left. When I was pulling back the cloth it touched my grandfather's beard making a soft rubbing sound. It still rings in my ears. My skin on my face is like his. Probably even my color is like his. My face is like his. I love him. I miss him. It makes it worse for me every time I see him in the mirror. It's not that I want anything to change. I am even used to it now. It just gets uncomfortable.

I am glad I resemble my mother. I would be glad even if I resembled my father though. I look a lot like my maternal uncle too. I always pray for him. It hurts me to think of how he is doing now. He spent 14 years away from his family working in Saudi Arabia visiting once a year. He came back only to fight keeping his children with him. He stays with my grandmother and does his best to take care of her. I know how much he wants his wife and children to come back to him. It ruined his health. He just wants to have his mother and his family in his house. I cannot bear to see him suffer.

My living is a result of many people who came before me, people who have supported me and continue to hold me up. I cannot deny even a small favor any person has done onto me. It's just those who have left me I cannot payback sufficiently. I am sure I am not the only one with these kinds of things in mind. I know other things are going to take over me sooner or later. We all forget everything some day. But when you see people in the mirror, it puts you into thinking.

I had a shawarma in the evening, then a good dinner at midnight and I am hungry back again. I have been talking to my roommate-friend all this time writing not more than a sentence at once. I never get tired of talking as long as it's always on something different. I have a new friend these days I can talk anything with and I spend more time trying to irritate her than anything else. It's all online though. My head hurts and my stomach craves for food. There are people who love the face I have and I can only love them back.

Not Daily

2011-02-23T15:17:00.000-06:00

The frost, it sometimes makes the blade stick.
- Maximus, Gladiator

The best thing to do when you feel like writing is to write. How much I hate thinking that it's naive to start a post saying I haven't been writing much, I cannot deny the warmth in beginning by saying it. I have repeatedly absorbed myself into reasons why I need to write and perhaps even mentioned on this blog a few times. I do not intend to go into any reasons today. I would rather type what comes or tries to come out and sign out after publishing it. I don't want to think about anybody thinking about whom might alter my willingness to writing a thing here. Though I understand I can't help with my subconsciousness unless I spend time on each of my sentences and contemplate if they have been effected or if they seem affected.

It's not easy to decide if a thing mentioned is straight truth or manages to go above or below it. I can only have something in my mind and make a person reading the resultant words of it perhaps think something else. I want to stay away from what others' thoughts might stray into. It's delicate not to transgress into exaggerations yet bluntly easy not to lie. Unintentionally I might take a reader for a ride but it's very being of unintended action comes from the idea that I prefer not letting anybody getting into what I am writing. Lately I have been trying to use a simpler vocabulary. Having a good one only means that I am able to convey what exactly I want to convey. But only if I wish to convey it.

I don't find sleep for long enough these days. I am probably staying awake for 18 hours a day and the rest six are spent in two to three sleeping sessions which not usually are continuous. I don't feel deficiency in sleep in my eyes but in my back that aches frequently. I take an hour's nap and feel like I have had a good rest, like I am fresh for the rest of the day and I can concentrate of anything. It takes a couple of hours to put me to sleep again as if I haven't slept for hours. Not to mention the strange stiffness in my neck and it's movements. I guess I realize more discomfort as I write this. Staying busy should make me forget a big chunk of these.

I have spent last three days in near seclusion except for the few hours in the evenings I am with a friend in his house. We are cooking at his place for dinner and I get back to my apartment with nobody around. For years I have always dreaded staying alone in a place away from my parents. I have seen many such dreaded things come true and there have been quite a few that didn't Alhamdulillah. As I see some big days coming ahead for me, I don't know how exactly they are going to cause to effect my life. The realization ranges between compulsion and hope. Not to forget the guilt, dissatisfaction, feeling of defeat and hopelessness. What should have been pride, joy and security have been proven otherwise.

The best is that I cannot complain. Allah has made me a very blessed one of His slaves and I could never thank Him enough. The compelling change is not always harsh. It gets a little oily on occasions. I don't recognize some things that I see sprouting within me. It's a sign of perhaps hopelessness or inability when a description takes the form "some things". I like having them elaborated. The problem starts when I cannot. It needs to be broken down - broken down not into a puzzle but into identifiable pieces that cautiously explain the whole. Identification is necessary for a solution to be obtained - at least it seems like necessary. Everything is always left to Allah. I can only try to identify.

Answering a friend few years back if I had anything I would like to go back and change, I had thought for a while and replied in negation. Just around the curb something seemed like a big deviation, if I can correctly describe it that way, and if posed with the same question, I might not have a straight single-word answer. One of the good things about blogs and the Internet in general is that you don't have algorithms asking you why you have written so and so in your blog. It's the people who question. Being questioned could be flattery, a show of genuine concern or at times a judging process. I am not a genius who can put into words what exactly I have in my mind. I might as well forget why I had to write something I did. I won't question myself unless I expect the answers to help me.

When I look at the date it seems odd and heavy - 2011. It's one zero less than what we have been seeing for a decade. Even the 23 seems big - perhaps bigger than the 28 that can be reached in the small two of 2011. February always sounds light - lighter than May - even though it has too many dates in it which I cannot forget. The dates are in fact not too many, they just left with too much to ask for. Yet February sounds easy and nice - probably because of what the asking could have yielded. March is bold - reminds me of the day my brother was born. Emptiness is not always because of too much space. It's some times because of lack of it. Just like you can't breath properly if you don't have enough space in your lungs. Allah is more glorious that one can think of.

Impertinence

2011-02-06T08:49:00.000-06:00

Never recreate places from your memories, always imagine new places. Only use details. A street lamp or a phone booth. Never entire areas. Building a dream from your memory is the easiest way of losing your grasp of what's real and what is a dream!
- Cobb, Inception

I am either supposed to be sleeping right now or should have woken up sometime back for fajar. The heavy dinner couldn't put enough load on my stomach that my brain kept finding good oxygen to keep me fresh. I guess it's not always our body that keeps us awake or forces us to crash out. It could be metaphysics or an external force; both, without a doubt, governed by Allah. I can have another heavy meal now full of spices if it was in my current means - given that I don't want to put efforts that defy my state of laziness. I could as well have a bowl of my favorite cereal with sugar in it. The sugar is not prescribed; neither is it recommended. I cannot imagine pouring milk into a bowl and not adding additional sweetness to it before I can let it enter my mouth. I was awake all night.

It might snow here again today evening and a few days later. Alhamdulillah we have been doing good without any complains of feeling stuck at home. I have been staying up all night for a few days. There isn't really much to do. I thought of reading some books and start studying for upcoming sorties but until now low adrenaline has kept me lower on the activeness scale. It will shoot up soon inshAllah. Few weeks back I was working even 15 hours a day. Necessities spark changes. I will leave revolutions for the mobs. I drove thrice in the ice and snow; I would never suggest anybody to try such feats. Doing that was among the very few things I was doing all day so, I can justify the risk I took.

I have ordered some books online which I hope to finish reading by next weekend. It's been more than two years since I read a whole book. The most I read was a one on UNIX. It was a necessary read - I had to score well in a course I took; though I enjoyed it. I have had Atlas Shrugged for too long and I need to stop getting close to worse. I never thought I could stay at such a length without feed. InshAllah once I get going good with my job I have some books to finish. As a rule of thumb I keep away from texts, that contain fiction, which have not been recommended over and over. It's good to have a Prime account with Amazon - they send selected purchases within two days with no extra charge.

Some hours back a friend posted the words "In life we all have an unspeakable secret, an irreversible regret, an unreachable dream and an unforgettable love" on his Facebook profile. Creeps ran through my body as I momentarily forgot everything but a single fact that has kept me excited for years now. The phrase "unreachable dream" seemed to have jittered my newfound bliss and its continuity. The bliss continues; the two words were an alarm clock ringing; I was well awake though; they served as a reminder - of an end. I am yet to find a way or create a new one. There is nothing beyond hope and all that that comes with a real dream - jitter like touches, love for that dream and hope itself over. I clicked "like".

Every time I buy toilet tissue I am reminded of a friend who once told me that if I marry an American born girl she will make me buy expensive toilet tissues. I have seen the prices - there is a difference of just a few dollars between the one I buy and the most expensive one for a supply of over a month. He didn't give any good advice. I am not marrying an American born girl - though the idea was exciting; the excitement was not because of the American birth; perhaps it was the ease; perhaps. Expenses go much beyond toilet tissues. Only love overshadows. InshAllah I am marrying a girl who is from the place I am from. It's not easy to write when you have not been writing often.

True

2011-01-10T02:59:00.000-06:00

You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.
- Batman, The Dark Night

When I woke up my roommate pulled the blinds to show me it was snowing. Just a day before I was thinking to myself who would believe if I said it was going to snow the next day. Winter's been pretty soft this season in Dallas until now. Last year it had already seen heavy snowing in December. Allah knows how February would be when it gets worse. Alhamdullillah Texas is so good with weather. Alhamdulillah I get to stay in Texas. Till now at least.

I moved to my friend's place after the lease of my apartment expired. I will be with him for a while. This place is close to where I was living previously - less than half a mile I guess. It's a studio apartment with space only for one. My friend was kind enough when I told him I needed a temporary accommodation. I understand it's an inconvenience for him to share everything here which has been designed for only one person. It was the most difficult move for me from my older apartment - it wasn't painful but included lots of mental discomfort - because of the stuff I had to trash, because of the people who were supposed to help me but didn't, because I wasn't moving to another place with the same people I was living with like how it was in 2009 and also because I won't be staying here for long.

Over the past two years I had accumulated loads of stuff - stuff I had bought for myself and stuff gifted to me. I had started thinking I had grown up to not having affection toward material things but I was wrong. I had to make some tough decisions and also let go things I needed but had no space to keep. I even packed a big bag and left it at an uncle's place so that I have less stuff to move for now. Then I left some furniture and a printer at another friend's place. He will keep the table and the chairs folded in his apartment's patio. I felt like I belong to nowhere except for this city I can call mine. For now.

It's been just two days since I moved here and even though the friend I am living with is one of my closest ones in the US, I want to live in a house I can call mine with people who would stay with me forever. Yesterday when I was out for lunch with a couple of friends at a Pakistani restaurant I was telling one of them how I can't take in even a half spoon of raw yogurt but I can eat it when it's cooked. We spoke of alligator meat that a restaurant named Razzoo's Cajun Cafe sells, of ostrich burgers at Fuddruckers, the jalapeno burger at Carl's Jr, the snails one of my friends had in Las Vegas and the sushi I am waiting to try at some Japanese restaurant. Every time I tell somebody I don't eat yogurt I think about a friend who has a similar taste. I miss her all the time.

Twice we had a chance to meet but couldn't. With her husband she was in Dallas for Thanksgiving but I was in Houston to visit my relatives. In Florida, Google Latitude on my phone told me that we were 3.1 miles apart but I couldn't see them. I was there with my cousins and not on my own. I am not sad we couldn't meet. It's the thought that I could have cherished a lunch or a dinner with them that didn't happen that is bland. There are two more friends I want to see - one's in Virginia and the other in Ohio. I have enjoyed their company in past. For the record, I don't eat alligator meat.

Since November I had been asking my parents to undergo a thorough medical examination and they had been avoiding it. I badly needed my mother to have it done because she was going to have an overseas travel in December. She and my father got it done after she went back to India and a 14 millimeter stone was detected in one of her kidneys which had also stopped functioning. She underwent a surgery last week and is still recovering. The doctors were surprised how she didn't experience any pain with a stone of that size inside her. I am more humbled that Allah keeps blessing us always. I can't thank Him enough.

The 12-day trip to Florida left me with great memories alhamdulillah. My cousin and her husband didn't let me pay for anything. I owe them for this. We visited many cities, stayed in many hotels, spoke nonsense, had fun and parted again each other. I even visited my father's one of aunts and cousins. The best part was our visit to Magic Kingdom in Disney World. And of course I will never forget the fun I had with my niece and nephews. The youngest of them is the most awesome kid I have ever met. One night I tried to bribe him with a bedtime story so that he would sleep in my room. 15 minutes after I finished 'Jack and the Beanstalk' he said "call my baba and ask him to take me".

Left Chevron

2010-10-21T00:19:00.000-05:00

You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness. Courage. Perhaps not on the battlefield, but… there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you. But none of my virtues were on your list. Even then it was as if you didn't want me for your son.
- Commodus, Gladiator

I didn't want to navigate away from 'New Post' page without publishing one. It was after I opened this page I realized I don't have anything to write. I had my dinner a few minutes back - rice with purple hull beans cooked in diced tomatoes. This was my second dinner in over a month with no meat in it. The last time I had dinner with no meat was two days back when I had a cheese pizza. It has become easier to have food outside than cook at home. It relieves not only the cooking part but also the cleaning one. Cooking just turns out to be cheaper. I anyways have my lunch outside - McDonald's most of the times but today it was Church's Chicken.

I hardly had anything to do when at work today. I think I worked for around two hours out of the 10 hours I spent there. I even found time for couple of naps in between. My willingness to use my laptop has declined a lot ever since I got my new phone. I see people playing around so much with their phones and customizing them, downloading new applications every other day and copying so much music into them. The only customization I did till now was changing the wallpaper which was promptly replaced by a friend who explained the new one to me as macho. He even changed the ring-tone from the default one to something else. I didn't bother to do anything to the changes he made.

It's very rare that I end a post thinking that I have written apparently nothing. I thought I had so much to talk when I reached this page but everything seems to have evaporated with the touch of the keyboard. I get a sound sleep only when I don't sleep properly for a few days and get tired to a point where my back starts aching like it has no strength to stay erect but is managing only on my will-power. I wake up every two to three hours and check the time. Every time I wake up I feel and hear my heart thumping. I have mostly been like this for over a decade. I am not tired. I am trying to pray hard. Perhaps I am not doing it hard enough.

I Remember

2010-10-10T04:57:00.000-05:00

There'll be a day when you will wish you had done a little evil to do a greater good.
- Sybilla, Kingdom Of Heaven

Few months back when I was drawing my plan for the time till December, 2010, I knew there could be one major thing that would change the whole scene and make many things don't matter. It looked like an impossible scenario back then but somehow I had that intuition deep in my heart that things would change rapidly. When I look back at the last few months, I don't know how it happened; Allah made it happen. Perhaps more than my prayers, it were my parents' prayers that weighed more in Allah's service.

A month back I was testing some sites in the city of Frisco when I had to pass by a few neighborhoods that had houses costing multi-million dollars. Some days later I was in Preston Hollow - George W Bush and Mark Cuban are among the very famous who live here. My restlessness started with bugging one of my friends asking him what I can possibly do to get enough money that I can own a house of that kind. He said I must start a music band. I said I would rather write a book; I can't sing.

I don't get the point why cars manufactured under the brand Infinity are so expensive. They look awesome but they are just cars which are not even so popular in other parts of the world. I am pretty sure they are worth the money but one would rather buy a German or an Italian brand's vehicle instead. One of my distant cousins from Houston tells me he sees too many high-end cars in Dallas. I remember a colleague telling me something about cars: "if it ain't made in Germany, it ain't worth any shit".

Corvette, though not so popular outside America, has always amused me. I like the idea of driving SUVs - they are big, powerful and you can walk into them. The other day when we went for a car wash to get my friend's Camaro washed, I was telling him how much effort it takes to own a car when you are living in states that see a lot of snow in winters. Apart from just cleaning the ice and snow from the top, there is a bigger problem that eats from below - the salt sprinkled on the streets. It rusts the vehicle's body and eats into the metal. No wonder why car-wash places in Texas don't make good money.

Some times I miss my old job though I am very happy now for what I am doing. I miss those people I worked with, I used to deal with and fight against. I was there for eighteen months and learnt what nothing else could have taught me. Alhamdulillah; it left me so much prepared for years to come inshAllah. I wish I could have got my hands on that Mercedes that Hispanic guy was trying to sell it to my father's friend. There was a metal label on the door from the side which, among other details, read "Made in Germany". The problem was with the title of the vahicle.

Saturday morning I had my first mid-term test of this semester. I have the second one on Tuesday in the evening. I graduate in December inshAllah after which I cannot conceive of anything now. I don't even know how to plan. I want to stay in Dallas as long as I am in this country. For sure I wish to travel and spend time in all it's ends but I like Dallas. There is nothing here to visit - no special monument, no natural site that's attracting and no place that would make one say "you should go to Dallas and check it out".

I like big roads, big houses, but cars and big sandwiches. There are restaurants everywhere - all kinds of; hundreds and thousands of them. A colleague recently quoted "everything in Dallas is 20 minutes away; even if it's just across the street." I like this guy a lot - he was a marine corp, has been to Iraq in 1993, lived in many places of the world including Saudi Arabia and has read a lot of history. He is a Christian and he said he drove through Mecca. He was not allowed to step out of his car. I was surprised to know Saudi government lets American citizens enter that city who are not Muslims. He lives in the city of Lancaster and he says "yes, I live in a hood".

I worked in a hood for eighteen months and I know what it is like. I would never choose to live in a place like that even if it was for free. I like many neighborhoods in the city of Plano. I am not talking about the million-dollar houses here but the kind which won't need me to start a band or write a book inshAllah. That same colleague of mine was making fun of himself when I asked him what should be the minimum value on throughputs for some specific tests so that I can decide if it has passed or failed. He replied "20 Mbps on downlink and 5 Mbps on uplink". It's good to know the minimum threshold. I need to know what a failure is.

He told me why oil is not a fossil fuel and how our textbooks have duped us all through our childhood. I was thinking about Theory of Evolution taught to us in middle school. It was engraved into our minds - many never manage to figure out it's just a theory and goes against the Holy Quran and even the Holy Bible. Oil is a naturally occurring carbon compound in earth - just like how sand is a compound of something else; something else which I don't remember now and don't feel like looking it up. We are expecting speeds of 100 Mbps very soon on downlink on wireless devices. It won't be a big deal.

I would have spent so much time feeling lonely these days if it was not for this present job that takes away so much time from me alhamdulillah. It is difficult to decide whom to talk to and when. Though, of course, the number of people I am in contact has come down drastically, alhamdulillah I still cherish close friendship with a few people who shall remain the same for me forever inshAllah. My apartment is in a real bad shape right now with lots of cleaning needed. I don't have a plan for it. Someday I will do it for sure and I know nothing about that someday. Loneliness is not the only problem; laziness is on many occasions.

Sanity is a very heavy virtue to carry along for a long time. Either we need to become strong enough to keep that on our shoulders forever or find good explanations to why deeds which were thought to be sane are no more of the same goodness and that we can shed them to make our lives easier. The difficult part comes in when we need to take care of what Allah wants from us; the difficult part is to translate deeds into religious acts and perform them because we know we are doing it for Allah. We are always short on knowledge and wisdom no matter what we read and how much we read. We always leave stuff for Allah to decide - even if we don't, it's the same case. Our test lies in that proper translation.

Material life is exciting, a part of it is necessary but it only occasionally translates into acts of religious correctness; not always. We don't follow Islam occasionally; it's for always; for even after our life here. Allah has made clear the minimum threshold. Acts are heavy; they are expensive in terms of time are willpower; they are necessary. Owning an Infinity's model won't help in deciding correctness and neither did Allah forbid us from getting cars imported from Germany. If Allah has blessed us, driving a Corvette is a gift from Allah and we must cherish it with gratitude.

Somebody has to own the skyscrapers, somebody has to run big companies, somebody has to produce high-end vehicles, somebody has to launch satellites into the space; and eventually somebody will definitely make money out of it - I see no sin in these acts. Jealousy is a sin. Not affirming that Allah has blessed a person is a sin. Planning for the future is not a sin - we all plan for the day of resurrection. The complications in the tests have become more intriguing. The sophistication involved in the analysis of the translation of our daily acts into deeds supported or rejected by Islam is more stressful now.

There are always people telling us what's wrong but nobody willing to take responsibility for any decision we might take. Behind many sins is a reason of which only Allah has knowledge. We repent. We are drawn that way. We repent, sin and repent. Allah decides what act translates as deeds that will help on after our death. Telling others what's wrong could also be charity but telling them that to belittle them, taunt at them or to show ones own superiority translates into a demerit. My job is not just to test a site and say if it's working or not - I also try my best to get enough data to declare that it has passed. Allah loves us. We know how to pass the tests. It's the effort and repentance that count.

Tomorrow I might make some bad decisions and I might incur Allah's anger as well. But next year, if I am not with some person, that would be because Allah has decided that that person shouldn't be with me - not because of some insignificant decision I have made; insignificant in terms of this world and the hereafter. I might hurt myself, I might hurt somebody else, I might sin in the process and even regret. I need to decide and though I know what's right I don't have it in my means to stick to the correctness. Human beings are not commodities. We are lives; each of us; individuals of our own; created by Allah; loved by Allah; each of us; heard by Allah. We some times don't get it right. We repent. We apologize.

If I Regret

2010-07-15T06:37:00.000-05:00

Night and morning are making promises to each other which neither will be able to keep.
- Richard Shelton

I remember the days I would put up a new post everyday before turning off my computer. I was back in India then. Looking at how the economy has been doing here in the US I know I am going to have a tough ride ahead. I guess it's always a difficult sleep for everyone who tries to think big. For once I even started wondering if I did the right thing by coming here. Not being a citizen of this country hurts my progress, not having a credit history is disappointing, time usually people take to build one seems to be too long and the means to get to that point even if the wait is accepted sound unacceptable to me. If I don't make it big enough then my very decision of leaving India and coming here would become bad. If I make it big enough, enough that I can say I made it real big, I might get too humble. Nothing is bigger than Allah.

It's a different world I see now than the one I used to when I published the previous post. I feel like calling my father again and ask him too tell me what I must do. But I know nobody can make decisions for me. If I am making a mistake, it might as well be mine. It always feel good to blame others when things go wrong but I would prefer taking it on myself. Decision making is the toughest thing. That's where experience counts. And when it comes to the most important things of life we usually don't have enough of that to help us, we are not in a position to explain it to others what we think of it so that they can guide us using their experience and it gets too risky for us to just decide on whatever our heart says for that moment.

With a friend I visited Winstar Casino in Oklahoma a few days back. My parents didn't ask my why I went to a place like that but as I expected I was expected to answer that question. My contention that I didn't go to gamble wouldn't suffice but I couldn't explain enough how much I enjoyed driving to that place at 2 am in the morning and getting back to DFW at 7 am speeding through the heavy traffic in HOV lane. It's a different thrill with a discrete intention. I am pretty much aware of my limits alhamdulillah. I don't even have to force myself to stay away from something when I hate it. I just hate it and with it ends every question.

I hate to see myself as those thousands of students who come to the US every year, finish their masters, join a consultant firm, work with it for a few years and get into a job for some other company directly, get a green card after 5 to 6 years, buy a house, have their parents visit them, see their children grow here and eventually just live here on their 40 hour a week job. Somehow I feel doing this could be lot better in India. Though quality of life is different back there, leaving our country and starting new life according to me must be more rewarding. I am just not in a position to talk any big. Ideas make no difference - that's where the bottleneck lies. We need plans and resources.

I didn't call my father for there days because I was afraid he would get mad at me. I spoke to him yesterday and then again today. I could figure out from him tone of voice he wasn't so happy with me but was just being good to me. It's hard and it's harder to explain. I know things will be fine soon inshAllah. They have always turned better in the past alhamdulillah and this time too it will be the same. What I am worried about is something else I might not talk to him again. I feel loosing the willingness to write more. It was different when I started writing. Many things cut across my mind. I even keep loosing people I can talk to. I don't write this as a problem or a complaint. It's just how it was meant to be. I will start with my classes in August and inshAllah it will be my last semester finally. I wanted to see my parents visit me but it doesn't seem like a possibility now. Even they don't seem to be interested. It's kind of difficult when I find nobody to talk to. But for the record, I am still in America and I am enjoying it. Things couldn't have been better.

Need That One Insane Move

2010-05-12T05:19:00.005-05:00

I'm a scientist, remember, and I don't believe in fairy tales.
- Dr. Grace Augustine, Avatar

It's necessary that I write so that I can write more. I thought not graduating this semester would give a sense of relief and some time to think and put my bet on the right areas. The thought was perfectly right but as expected things never turn out as expected. For me they have always turned out better but I never forget other possibilities. It can't be a good idea to decide based on past experiences. I wish somehow I could have food - full meal - three times a day. It's been like ages since that happened. I think it was back when I was in India but even there it was never continuous for more than a couple of days at once. We rarely have breakfasts and lunches together at home.

We went for some bowling late in the evening. Two of my friends have left Dallas and one more will be leaving next week. People who started their masters with me are done with me now. Though of course I am glad for the decisions I have taken, I wish things had ended in some other way. I can't talk more on it - I don't even know what other way could have been better. Everyday comes with surprises and new people shouting. This summer might make a large difference to me. I am going to loose more people, spend more days with little food and spend more time in finding out how I can avoid those several years people take to start making bigger differences. No science talks about drops making oceans.

I laughed at my brother several times when he said he was taking horse-riding classes. I couldn't understand from where he got that very idea of learning something nobody in my immediate family is doing right now. But I happy for him - he is doing something of his choice and my parents don't stop him. If time pleases with me someday I will get myself a flying license. It takes around two years of part-time studying before I can pass the tests and complete the necessary number of hours. It gives me so much pleasure to think I never wanted to be a pilot when I was a kid. Horses excited me but I never thought of riding them. Like it is for all boys, guns were always amusing. My present visa status doesn't let me buy one.

I slept for several hours today and it's again time to go to sleep now. Some times I wish I could call all my close friends and relatives and talk to each of them for hours. But it's just like many other thoughts that just find some amusement for a while and fade away. I expect nobody to have such amount of time. I expect myself never to fall for such frivolous ideas. Calling is so easy, talking on the contrary is not. It's suffocating every time I listen to any phone that rings with the ringtone I had in my phone when I was in India. So much I wish I could use that phone again.

I at least wish I could find somebody to go on a holiday for a few days. I want to visit Key West, Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. We were having some plans for Spring break back in March but nothing worked out. This time around there is nobody who could possibly give me company. It's difficult to find company these days - the precise kind of people I would want to have for a particular thing I feel like doing. It accounts for the need to learn something new - doing it alone. It feels as if another phase has passed by. It's time to make room for fresh air. I am afraid of debts I am getting into which can't be paid with money. DFW is now filled with people who know me.

Though Only A Few Times

2010-04-13T05:17:00.003-05:00

To go beyond is as wrong as to fall short.
-Confucius, Analects

It's 5:17 am, an hour has passed after I reached this place I call home and I have to go to work in the afternoon again. I was supposed to take a day off on Tuesday for this week but I was asked to swap it for another day. It was a mood-spoiler. I prefer staying close to the schedule but we have hardy done that in last two months. I even wonder if there is somebody who realizes it. Alhamdulillah I have never caused to make any difference to any schedules. I have so much to talk about but no heart to listen. This April seems so odd. This might be the right way to play it but not the way to win it.

It's taking me like a forever to write a post at this time of the day and I am disappointed for the reason I had to put 'blogger' in the address bar finally. I wish I had exciting things to write about or rather the excitement to write about them. Moments are so context based that it would take me several paragraphs to get to explain what I am talking about. Not that I have anybody to explain to, anybody to justify to, it's just me I need to let know of what's going down.

I have been thinking of printing all posts of this blog. When I shared this idea with a friend he felt I would be wasting money and time on it. It didn't disappoint me, it just made me sure that few things matter only to me even if they are worth nothing in the supposedly real world. It's easily going to take 600 pages; I can recollect how I would write every day and never missed to record every detail of what effected. I remember hardy of anything of that though. I just sit here today as a resultant product of all that and of course lots more.

I have two books on Java spread a little away from me on my left side. On one of those books there is a brown packet that has all lease's papers. I renewed them for my apartment for another six months. Then there is an automobile classifieds paper right behind the screen of my laptop; I have been going through things like these for over a month now; I found no time yet to show the result of that search. On my right is a leather jacket I bought a few days after getting back from India. I don't know what prompted me to get that; I bought it from Dillards and didn't want it to be from China. It is though.

I have been trying to study Java for long. It's almost like a necessity now. I want to stay in this country for long. After writing these few lines, I now feel, I can go on for any number of pages. But I stop with this one. It's good to hold back at the right times, always a good idea to think before talking and an awesome thing to keep patience. There is a bunch of people now I have to call, respond with some work or at least talk to say a 'hello'. It sounds like a burden at times but it's a commitment of my word. I was planning to visit India in July but decided not to because though it's a good idea, it's not something I should think about. It's so awesome to see children smile.

Oh Allah! You Are Awesome

2010-03-21T04:56:00.005-05:00

Patience can't be acquired overnight. It is just like building up a muscle. Every day you need to work on it.
- Eknath Easwaran

It's snowing again today. I could feel it like a deja vu when I was entering my apartment - the parking lot, the walkway and the plants look exactly like they looked the last time it snowed. That was four weeks back when we saw 13 inches of it. We played for hours in the university that Thursday and prepared biryani later in the evening. But back then I had different things in my mind - it was not 4:59 am and I was glad enough. Since that day I haven't had a day off. Though I don't feel it as a necessity, though I don't long to spend time doing nothing, though I know spending time without work would irritate my mind more and bring unnecessary thoughts into it, I would relish spending a day of that kind.

I feel good now that I can live with very little contact back to India. I talk to my mother daily but not to my father - it wasn't easy to reduce my number of calls. I realized I am no longer capable of putting everything into words and silence is generally misleading. My time on phone itself has come down to less than quarter of what it used to be. When I visited India I was looking for a change within me. Now when I am back I see my visit has changed me. I was glad to be with my parents; I have a list of people who disappointed me. I blame them for nothing though it could have given me comfort. I am rather bent on forgiving myself.

Even until a few days back it was difficult for me to imagine how I could hold things limited to me by not sharing them, now it seems so easy. Not that I have anybody I can call anytime I want and say anything yet expect some loyalty, I just don't feel like saying anything. I am not learning anything this way, it's just an optional way of living. I am not afraid of not being understood, I am rather more concerned with not understanding others. I am not an object using which somebody else's debt can be paid back. I have a life and dreams only my parents can put a right on. It just takes one day's of holding, one day of control - any knowledge can be buried.

London

2010-01-15T02:55:00.002-06:00

I have 17 minutes more of Internet connectivity on my laptop. Of course, I had to buy it. I wonder why they can't just have some hotspots for free. I checked mails, sent messages to a few friends and let my parents know of my safety alhamdulillah. It was a tiring experience at Mumbai. Right from the terminal-transfer coach to the airport itself. It feels like they want to make things difficult there. It was relieving to see my seat on BA 138. I slept for more than six hours.

It's Raining

2009-12-29T10:25:00.004-06:00

Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways.
- Stephen Vincent Benét

Several facts went through me all through the evening I thought I could write before I decided I can let them go for the moment. I took time for myself today and did nothing. I lay for several hours thinking nothing half the time and trying to think about facts in ways I would have wished them to be for the other half; our thinking doesn't change them - they remain. I went on my house's terrace after it was fully dark in the evening. I watched lights that weren't there 16 months back, I stared at the buildings which seem to have recently appeared and recollected the building phases of my house. I could recollect from start to end. Recollecting this can never really make any difference.

Tomorrow I will be having many of my relatives and a few friends with me in the evening. I had imagined a day like this long back but never could think of how it would feel. This will probably be the biggest gathering in my house in last 19 years. We never had so many people visit us before. We wanted to have this done before we rented out our ground floor again. I had planned for a lunch with a group of close friends but some south Indian terrorists seem to be interested in playing spoil sport. Either ways I will keep myself busy this weekend inshAllah. I have some cousins I need to give time.

I tried for a while to think how I can change this. I felt myself like a fool, tried to think again but stopped. I am more relying myself on things I have already learnt rather than trying to learn anything new to move myself ahead. Things seem to have lost willingness to proceed. More of it is getting random day after day. Occasions are losing connections and ends hang illogically. The coming year is going to be very important. I will inshAllah finish my masters and look for a permanent job. My mother wants me to come back to India once I am done with my studies and find a job here instead of in America. I think otherwise. I believe otherwise. It just ain't happening.

I am pretty sure by now that I am not going to get what I am looking in the direction I am going and with the pace I am walking. It has to be something else. InshAllah this path too will give me a good life alhamdulillah. But that's incomplete. Things don't change overnight; miracles don't change lives of everybody; not everyone of us is a genius. Alongside the things I learnt, there was a lot I unlearned too. Perhaps it shouldn't have been that way. Perhaps that's how it should be. I don't even understand what I should ask Allah for - I get too shy, unsure and some times hesitant. At the back of my mind I keep getting the feeling that it was going to happen this way. It's something I have always been afraid of.

I was asked if I would have cauliflower for dinner today and I told my mother I won't. She heard it, asked me again and I agreed. I am being called now to have it. It's not that I don't like it. It's one of those very few vegetables I don't easily prefer. I have been afraid of few more things and like these fears which have turned into reality I pray to Allah things turn out to be better than how I have imagined. I am trying to make myself more flexible with my thoughts and beliefs. This puts me in contrast with people who have stayed with me for long but have changed in some other ways incoherent to my inclinations. I am losing people I can talk to. I am losing the will to talk.

Losing People

2009-12-27T11:23:00.003-06:00

Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's.
-Billy Wilder

Grossly around 1 pm my phone rang thrice and I didn't receive any of those calls. One of the caller reached my brother's phone and I ended talking to him. It was a friend who wanted me to come over to Chowmahalla Palace. A friend had come over from some other city and he wanted to meet me there. I didn't commit to meet. Few minutes later I sent a text saying I was going to stay with my parents for the rest of the day. If somebody wants to meet me, he need not ask somebody else to ask me to come over to some place I don't even have a clue of. I slept after 5:30 am and it's always irritating to have somebody question my sleeping patterns.

I sleep when I feel sleepy. I wake up when it is necessary. I am not a slave of what others would term it. I could easily ignore everybody who talks irritating stuff but the problem is with those few who are supposed to be, and expected to be, soothing to my heart. In last few months there have been occasions when I have gone for more than 40 hours with no sleep at all when needed and have slept for 10 hours continuously when I could. I am glad there are many people who understand me. Many of them usually get me wrong.

I never thought it would take me so many days to write for this blog again. I wanted to write something at length but I guess just at the start of second paragraph I realized I was not going to last much longer. I am glad I could make it till third. I can be infinitely patient now. I can even wait for years to let somebody know the mistakes he or she has committed. I can wait to see how people have changed their perspectives and yet never let them know till they might still be able to understand what has happened. I am in India right now for 16 more days.

Among The People Of Menthol

2009-10-08T03:49:00.004-05:00

"Hello Rabbit, is that you?"
"Let's pretend it isn't", said Rabbit, "and see what happens."
- Winnie The Pooh, A. A. Milne

Some weeks back when a customer wanted to make some money selling the beer he had, he asked my co-worker "do you drink beer?", he heard the answer "I drink only blood. Fresh human blood. You got some?". I have quickly realized how my body reacts when something annoys me to an extreme in a short period. I feel a rush of blood on my face beneath my skin. Alhamdulillah I always know what not to do when I feel blood on my face. Though I calm myself down quickly smiling more at those who face me, I know it's all amounting to stress.

One of our professors said there is a federal directive that some information on flu is read to all the students in the classes. A thing which many ignore, which he thought should be said prior to anything else, is the point that more people are dying with common flu than with the swine flu which seems to be more threatening. That's a different thing. What was important for the class is that we are not supposed to be in the university even if we are planning to sneeze after an hour. The professor said he would sit with us again to explain what we have missed if that happens. He will give us his time only after we get back to normal. He said he doesn't want to die.

Some medical agency is afraid that the virus causing common flu would mutate and grow into a deadly organism that could possibly wipe out a quarter of the present human race. That sounded like fiction to me. But I understand that's just the worst case. Keeping worst case in front of us helps us make smaller the effect of what could be already less than the worst. The virus will not mutate inshAllah, my co-worker bought no beer that evening - he stopped drinking eight years back, I know my store is not competing with Walmart on prices - every customer who fights will have to leave - and I met a man who spent 37 years in prison - he lives in west Dallas. 90% of menthol cigarette smokers comprise women and African-Americans.

The Story Continues In Texas

2009-10-02T03:12:00.002-05:00

I hope you have lost your good looks, for while they last any fool can adore you, and the adoration of fools is bad for the soul. No, give me a ruined complexion and a lost figure and sixteen chins on a farmyard of Crow's feet and an obvious wig. Then you shall see me coming out strong.
- George Bernard Shaw, to Mrs. Patrick Campbell

I had been thinking of writing since evening without even a faint clue of what. I got back to my apartment at 1 am. I knew I had one curry in the refrigerator even if there was nothing else. I thought I could have it with rice. I realized I will have to cook some to enjoy the curry the way I wanted to. Instead I heated three tortillas and had them. It was satisfying but something seems missing. I had cup full of soda with five cubes of ice. I think I will have a banana after I am done with this. I badly need some continuous undisturbed sleep. It could be such a luxury.

The next holiday I will have will be in the last week of November when my classes end as scheduled. I haven't seen the schedules yet but I guess they will end in just around Thanksgiving. In December inshAllah I will go to India. I am looking ahead for that trip but I am worried about a few things. I want to be pretty clear with why I am going there and what I shouldn't be doing when I am there. It's 3:25 am right now and yesterday at the same time I was in the university studying. It gets so good with very few people around. Fall weather is a thing to enjoy. I find no time for that.

Some days back when I sent a message to my brother on Facebook asking him to shave his beard, our cousins interrupted and came in his favor. I asked them in a polite way not to interfere as I talk to my brother. My brother replied coming against me. I realized I was interfering in his life. It's such a great idea to have an evening for myself spending it under an open sky, watching the birds gather before they go to sleep, see the sun slide away and feel the air loose it's temperature. I will do it someday when I get to India. I wish there will be nothing to worry about then.

No

2009-09-30T03:03:00.002-05:00

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.
- Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

There's a sharp pain in my neck reaching up till my forehead travelling all through the center of the skull. That still seems to be alright. It hasn't reached my cheek-bones yet. I had a good dinner a while ago, of course sitting alone in the living with my laptop in front of me. It's always nice to be in continuous contact with at least one person and talk as if we have been talking continuously since nobody knows when. The day starts and the talk proceeds as if it had never ended. That's always a luxury. The ache seems to hurt my eyes now. I can have a pill but I guess I will sleep in sometime. I have class at 10:30 am.

Some days back I asked my father why wasn't sending me e-mails. He complained that it was I who stopped. I wrote to him the next day. He said he will reply. I reminded him thrice since then. It's been a week since I wrote. He hasn't replied. I am not going to ask him now. It has just become one of those thing I won't be talking again. It might seem naive of me talk to my father daily on phone and even expect him to write to me. They are two different media with different emotions. So much has been reduced to basics. So much has ceased to be exciting. My eyes are hurting me now. I need to sleep.

I need to wash the cup I had soda in a while ago. The ice in it hasn't melted yet. The paper towel I keep with me while having food is still there on the floor and needs to be trashed. I need to brush my teeth, turn the alarm on and go to sleep. All this seems so much and yet I keep typing. There is so much to be done after waking up. I can feel blood moving in my fists when I close them. It's something like waves turning on and off inside my fingers. My forehead's going to burst now. I wish I could stay up longer. Perhaps the best way to fulfill a desire is to shut it off. At least there won't be any artificial looking hope after that. My parents keep breaking the hope often that I keep building repeatedly.

Burning Up My Days

2009-09-22T02:25:00.005-05:00

Pooh looked at his two paws. He knew that one of them was the right, and he knew that when you had decided which one of them was the right, then the other one was the left, but he never could remember how to begin.
- Chapter Seven, The House at Pooh Corner, A. A. Milne

A little while ago I was having my dinner and looking frequently at the prayer mat that was lying on the floor beside a table in my bedroom. My mother had given it to me saying it was smaller in size and would not take much space in my luggage. A cousin gave me another prayer mat here which is of regular size. I guess I prayed on that one only once. The smaller one always finds me thinking about my mother. I spoke to her a few hours back alhamdulillah.

I am in the living room now and my eyes fall frequently on the white bowl left by my room mate on the table. He fried something to eat with the daal I prepared. I thought of having something with the daal and rice too but we are out of pickles. The lest time I went to a desi store I found pickles there had have asafoetida or sounf in them. The former makes my mouth taste bad and the latter makes the pickles sweet. I didn't get what I wanted.

Long back when I was in sixth grade I wanted to own a personal computer. I was always after my parents to get me one. Somehow it looked as the most exciting thing in the world. I remember my mother telling me I will have to wait for it and she would buy me the best one in the market when the time came. I was gifted one six years later. It was the best one available in the market those days. I had the best machine I or anybody I knew had ever seen. Very soon I realized this thing came to me when it was appropriate - at the right time.

I never really wanted to ride a two-wheeler. Bikes never excited me. I liked cars and always wonder 'how much longer?'. I remember once my mother asking me if we should buy a car or get another level constructed on our house. I wanted a car. Later I realized a car was a luxury but a house was an investment and informed my mother. By the time I was done with my eighth grade we had a new house and we moved into it just for a change. I was in love with the one we were living in but my parents said the new house was much better and tenants would spoil it if we rented it out. It was getting difficult for four of us to go out together because my brother and I were growing up fast. A year and a half later we bought a car. It came at the right time.

Back in August 2008 when my father's friend told me how careful I will have to be when driving in Dallas while changing lanes, I wondered if I was really going to buy a car there. A year later I had a car on which I had myself put around 8,000 miles. The time needed it. Even the day before I got my car, it looked artificial to me. I had always wondered how fast a six-cylinder car would move. I saw v6 written at the back of my car after I bought it. All that was important for me was my father's friend's call, just before he was taking off for India that month, to ask me to by that car. I needed it. It was the right time.

I have had a good number of similar experiences and I have thanked Allah relentlessly for making me more blessed than so much I know and yet I ask for some things that I know will find their right times a little after from the present. That looks more than a dream. I might as well run away from it. But I came to think of it again, there is something less than that what I am asking for right now. I thought I know the constraints. I know so less. I know of Allah for sure. Perhaps, I am living what I had feared for long. I don't like staying in my apartment these days. I have started not liking few more things. I have built new hatred.

That late night after shouting at my mother that I was going to leave the house immediately my father made me sit on the bed, hugged me and asked me not to leave. He wiped tears from my cheeks and also the wetness caused by them under my eyes. I have that feeling of having him so close to me still left. The day I was leaving my mother hugged me. I knew a single tear in my eye would make her weep. Her voice was very heavy. My voice was like a week yet confident kid. I realize I am going to have that kind of tone in my voice forever for such times. That's how my voice has been most of the times. I will call my father just before sleeping. If I call him now then I can't call him just before sleeping.

My neck is aching real bad. I don't remember when it was last I slept without having to worry about waking up to do something. I lost weight. I call myself sick when Google comes to my mind when I think about my mother. I found a few things that Google can't search for me. I found the limits of my body. I have experienced what happens when I drive after not having sleep for more than 35 hours. I know how awesome it is when even a person who thinks I am from Mexico smiles at me - it's the smile. There is nothing like a baby waking her hand at me just because I looked at her for a few seconds trying to ask nothing. Some times I just feel like telling some people "I will be good... please". And I try to forget.

I think many people think I am a fool. I wish they say that to me on my face. But I don't want them to. I love them. Everything was going great. Then something happened. I don't know what. Somewhere along the road I stopped for a while and started wondering what was going on. Then I forgot why I was there. There were directions, signs and maps to help me. I stared at them. Trying to see what I was forgetting. Or perhaps trying too see if I can find another reason to smile again. It's so easy to smile. I am going to remember these days. Alhamdulillah.

As It Was

2009-09-03T03:43:00.004-05:00

They spoil every romance by trying to make it last forever.
- Oscar Wilde

My classes started on 24th. I am cool with all three professors. One of them is Indian and the other two are from the far east. I don't spend much time in the university these days; I leave after the class unless there is something to-the-point to be done. I prefer getting back to my apartment and completing my sleep. It has become an important product. It seems like it has been ages since I slept with no alarm to wake me up. It's a fast life now giving me no time to think if I am happy. One thing I know for sure despite several fears is I am satisfied alhamdulillah. This could have been bad. Logic doesn't always shows. There are repeated instances revealing supernatural control.

The joy of having somebody very close stills buffets me even when it would be a month since I visited my cousin in Austin. She took care of everything about me - served me food three times a day, the water she kept for me on the table always had crushed ice in it, she arranged my clothes I was leaving in the bedroom, she took care of the stuff I left in the washroom and I had to return to Dallas and start doing this for myself again. It would have still been wonderful for me just to have her around. She doing so much to make my time very luxurious is not I would ever expect from anybody. It's something else.

There is invariably nothing to blog at this time. I have nothing much to share or talk about or perhaps nothing viable to record. There is nothing to boost and no battle to fight. It's just a blog here that needed to be kept alive. It's just me here trying to focus on the presence of so much around me and how it matters. The circles are getting smaller. The people who matter and those who bother keep changing with a static few. It's just me there more than 14,000 kilometers from where I was born.

Year Two

2009-08-14T02:54:00.003-05:00

There is a road from the eye to the heart that does not go through the intellect.
- Gilbert Keith Chesterton

I picked up a friend from the city of Irving who returned from India last Monday and he will now stay with me as my roommate. Perhaps his was one of the easiest address for me to find - it's on the same road DFW's largest mosque is located on - 40 minutes from my place. I wonder how great it is for followers living in that locality to have a mosque so nearby. I long to hear Azan. It's been a year now since I heard it in the open sky. I called up my uncle who lives in the city of Murphy today and reminded him he picked me up from airport exactly a year ago. While having briyani for dinner I recollected the one I had as my first meal in America at his house. He and my aunt had taken so much care and even their mere presence makes peace for me. Alhamdulillah.

45 minutes ago I returned from one of the two swimming pools we have here in the apartment complex. I didn't go there to swim but just to lie there and talk to my friend who came along. It's not humid tonight and not cold either. The sprinklers stayed on for a while when our conversations were on. They never miss a day; even if it's raining. And they seem to serve every inch of grass and plantations that exist here. 7825 at McCallum Blvd is one of the best places to live around the university. Frequently I appreciate the decision taken by my friend's brother who booked this apartment even before I had arrived in Dallas.

Recently the writer of a blog I used to read stopped writing and shut her blog. When I read her post that she was going to close it down the coming Wednesday, I was shocked. Her posts were always around Islam talking about family, relationships and world affairs. There were eight to ten posts every week and I read them all. Now when her new posts don't appear on my Google Reader account it feels sad. Alhamdulillah at least I have them all saved with me in the same account. I guess I miss her blog already. I never thought I would come to miss something like this. I had been reading her for more then two years. I commented only once just recently - to let her know I am going to miss it.

It was a different world when I was with my cousin last weekend and Monday morning. She reminded what a home is. I had forgotten that somebody else could serve me food, place cup of water on the table even before I needed it, pack clothes for me, take care of stuff in my bedroom and see to it that I have no other thing to do except enjoying. Friday afternoon with her family I left for Corpus Christi after I reached her place driving alone for almost four hours. After getting back to Austin I stayed there for a night and returned to Dallas next afternoon. With no doubt the places I visited were all mesmerizing but the time I spent with my cousin, her husband and their children makes me want to visit them again. It's their presence and not the places that made my trip beautiful.

I saw USS Lexington, several beaches on the islands, stayed in a condominium on a canal with boats docked in it connected to the sea, did fishing, stepped into a swimming pool for the first time, saw many snakes, watched crocodiles and alligators being fed, wore shorts for the first time, talked, had conversations and spoke endlessly. My drive to Austin and the return drive to Dallas required me to take two servings for Monster each time and also a caplet of Nodoz. Alhamdulillah I did it good. I had this continuous fear of falling asleep. I stopped once while going and twice while returning. It took me 16 gallons of gas for the total journey and alhamdulillah my car surprised me with over 25 miles per gallon. Two quarts of oil were expected. This was for the first time I drove so much. Alhamdulillah. I even completed 7,000 miles since I bought my car - it took me six months. August 11th marked six months of my car purchase and 13th a year of my presence here.

My 7 year old niece who lives in Austin has her favorite color as pink. She only wears pink clothes, pink sandals and pink shoes. Her bedroom is all pink with pink curtains, pink soft-toys, pink teddy bears, pink carpets, pink trash can, pink wardrobe, pink bed spreads and everything else pink expect the walls. My cousin fears her obsession towards pink might decrease so getting walls pink could require repainting soon. My niece has two younger brothers. The elder one's favorite color is blue. According to her boys are supposed to have blue as their favorite color. She decided that her youngest brother should have green as his favorite and so green was dictated to him. He never had the luxury to decide his favorite. It's just green for him. All this makes it easy for their parents to buy clothes or any other stuff for them.

Every time I go out here for shopping at any store I keep looking for things and stuff I am going to have once I get a place here I am going to call home. But of course my home is in Hyderabad, this place deserves that too. The cars I see, the furniture, the electronics, the curtains, the bed spreads - they are all so disturbingly provocative. It's a fact alhamdulillah I can buy many of these things already but I have nowhere to keep them or use them. I live in a rented apartment with a bunch of roommate friends with idea how it's going to be once I am done with my masters. Every week I create new dreams, update old ones and plan. There isn't much meaning in detailing what all I did when I was out last weekend for a holiday - the pictures I posted on Facebook say it all. The day I returned I had a detailed talk on phone with my cousin again - just a few hours after I left her house; some conversations never end.

Year Ending

2009-07-31T04:09:00.003-05:00

My father and I never had "the talk", and we never finished the treehouse. I guess some things between fathers and sons are left unspoken, and unfinished.
- The Wonder Years

I finally got my hair trimmed on Monday. I woke up late in the afternoon and straight away went out without thinking what kind of hair-style I was going to have. All that's important to me is I please myself when I look in the mirror. I don't need different styles to make me feel good - I just want simple hair that grow well, don't fall and keep the original color. After the haircut I shaved my beard and looked into the mirror only to get surprised. There has never been a person like me and there will never be one. My parents love me, I love them, I have wonderful people around me and I find nobody else more blessed by Allah than me. That leaves nobody for me to envy. I never have any complaints alhamdulillah.

I had been waiting to get to writing. I was too tired when I returned home yesterday and a trip to Walmart had already become a necessity - I forgot rice when I went there on Monday. The same day I went to Main Event to give bowling an hour. I wanted to play more but my fingers started aching. I wished I could find somebody good at it who could teach me the right way to bring down the pins. I tend to rely more on speed rather than angle. I might be having wrong postures too. Today I prepared Tandoori Chicken and forced myself to write an update. I even went to Home Depot to get some stain remover to clean our carpet and to a desi store to get naan to make chicken more enjoyable.

This was the fourth time I had my hair trimmed. Twice I worked with the trimmer myself, once I went to a Hispanic saloon we have here at walkable distance and the other day it was this place half a mile from here called Great Clips. I had already experienced a lady working on my head when I visited the Hispanic saloon but this time at Great Clips I apparently realized that it was a lady trimming my hair - she was American. The very idea was a kind of different - it wasn't strange, just different. She commented that I have lots of hair on my head. I don't know if that was a compliment, a taunt or just social talk. I could have guessed it perhaps if I had seen her face while she said it.

Tomorrow one of my roommates is leaving of Baton Rouge, Louisiana to continue with his studies there at Louisiana State University. When one of my friends left for Chicago a few months back I knew we were going to meet again and so, the pain was relatively less. But now, I am not sure if I am going to meet this friend again - Allah knows it for sure. I hope we both meet again, we both find success inshAllah and everybody is happy. I am surely going to miss him. Though I never write on my blog what I am going to do the next day or what place I am going to visit - I don't find it safe and writing that never gives me comfort - I would still like to mention that I will be the very person to drop him at Greyhound station tomorrow and say him peace. It wouldn't be any bad - it will just make me feel sad later.

Our living room and bed room is full of stuff spread out all over. He is packing his bags and getting things right. I can understand his excitement, his worries and his pain of leaving a city he has spent almost a year. I was going through something very similar to this a year back in Hyderabad and today alhamdulillah it's like I have been living here for ages. In just the last few weeks I gained enough sense of direction too that I learned many new routes, visited new places and gained more confidence while driving alone alhamdulillah. Last week with two friends I went up north to McKinney to watch Transformers 2 at Cinemark 12. That was far, the movie was just fine but the drive was sweet. I need to explore some Fort Worth and more of west DFW inshAllah.

Colored Transparent Glass

2009-07-21T04:13:00.003-05:00

You know Sean, the Japanese have a saying, "The nail that sticks out gets hammered".
- Fast And Furious: Tokyo Drift

My hair have grown too long or perhaps longer than the longest I ever had. I thought of writing why precisely I am not putting the right effort to get them trimmed, but writing so much about how I look these days apparently sounded lame to me. Alhamdulillah I like them and would never think of having hair like anybody else's. I would inshAllah go to a barber in next few days though. I am not sure how long or how small I am going to get them now. This will be my fourth trimming since I left India.

I am having a crises with my clothes here. I love and prefer wearing formals and I have too few of them. Back in India alhamdulillah I always used to have too many options whenever I looked into my wardrobe but here, it only troubles me. I have some casuals and I don't like the ones I got from India - they are too short. I am going good with jeans but prefer formal shirts on them. When I go to India again, I am going to bring a full load of all those clothes I miss because I had to leave them back on advices of some friends who thought they were right with color choices. They always told me it was gay in America to wear many of those shirts - I see many people wearing them here and it's perfectly alright. Lesson: never take crap from those who haven't seen it.

When I give an advice I use words like "I did so and so when I faced it", "I would do this if I were in your place", "I think this should be right" and at the end I add "we all are different and things for each of us are different though and it's you who has to decide" and even "you should talk to your elders too". I guess in a way I confuse the person and ask him to talk to his elders. The important thing for me is the "I" I quote everywhere. My life revolves around me, my experiences and what I have learned. There are millions out there who have seen different 22 years; I have seen a different 22. There are in fact a few things always we need to seek guidance and advices for. These are the things we are risking. That's always the price we pay to let others decide or think for us. It might help; it might turn into crap. That's just one of the ways we take lessons. Alhamdulillah.

Paper Chasing

2009-07-15T04:27:00.002-05:00

You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. When I said something about the moon, you looked at the moon, last night. The others would never do that. The others would walk off and leave me talking. Or threaten me. No one has time any more for anyone else. You're one of the few who put up with me. That's why I think it's so strange you're a fireman, it just doesn't seem right for you, somehow.
- Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury

I was going through some website that was worried about Olive Ridley Sea Turtles going extinct on the eastern coast of India in a place called Dharma due to a port being built by Tata Group. There are numerous protests being carried out by Greenpeace activists who put some turtles, majority of Indians haven't seen, as more important than the country's growth. I have written on this previously but every time I think about it gives a new low on how people spend so much time on animals. Tata Group in one of those organizations that have taken India ahead globally. They should be supported with all development activity they take up and encouraged to do more. It generates employment. Turtles don't feed Indians.

Thursday and Sunday after returning from work I went to downtown Dallas - once to drop my friend at the Greyhound station and once to pick him up. He visited Corpus Cristi at the weekend. This was the first time I drove among those tall buildings and on one-way streets. It's a different place full of people partying even at 2 am in the morning. It wasn't so safe for me to drive there alone so I had another friend to give me company on both days. It was a new learning exercise. On my way back I crossed a traffic signal when it was still yellow and the camera flashed possibly to take a picture of my car. It doesn't amount to felony to cross lights when they are yellow and at 45 mph it was impossible for me to stop when lights changed from green just before I was about to cross. InshAllah I won't get any ticket for this. If that happens I will hire an attorney and get myself cleared. Alhamdulillah I have people to guide and help me. I never break any laws - I can't accept City playing around with my money.

Early Monday morning I woke to my room-mate's loud noises. I saw him shouting at something in his sleep. Thinking I should wake him up slowly, the way my father used to wake me up, I held his hand softly and whispered his name. Even with his screaming on, he opened his eyes and started screaming louder as if I appeared like a ghost in darkness. I still can't forget those wide open eyes filled with extreme terror and the loud scream that could have even scared a lion. For a moment I thought I should scream too and I guess I did start but soon realized I had to help him first rather than worry about my horror of having somebody who was out of control in front of me. I know if someday I see a ghost like creature coming out of a grave with blood dripping from its mouth I would shout the way my room-mate shouted. I will never forget that terror I saw in his eyes.

A couple of months back loud noises of kissing woke me up. This dear friend was kissing somebody in his sleep. I think nobody would ever kiss so loudly even in reality. He stopped doing it before I could get my camera and take a video. A few days later he repeated the same act of kissing but confined it to two kisses but added an "I love you" to it. Once he punched the wall hard in his sleep and got blood clots on his nails. Once he raised his hand and started shouting as if he was calling somebody. I had a third room-mate that day in the bedroom. We both were on either sides of this shouting guy. We woke up, saw him, saw each other in a sleepy surprise and showed pity. Monday, after shouting his name a couple of times, he woke up and from his sleep in which he already had his eyes open and said he was sorry. He got me terrified too.

I was well in contact with many friends until last week and suddenly everything seems to have gone dull. When I woke up to my screaming friend on Monday I called up both my parents. A friend from Hyderabad kept coming to my mind and I wanted to call her up too - I took the sleep route instead. It's 3:58 AM right now and I have an off today. It feels good even to know that. There isn't much I am going to do. Some times I wish holidays for me could come the way they come to everybody - at weekends. But I am happy and grateful to Allah that I have a job - I am not among the 12 million who went jobless because of the recession, Alhamdulillah. And for those who think the recession has come to an end: we just had one of the worst weeks of this decade here. InshAllah things will get better soon.

And Saturday

2009-07-11T04:03:00.002-05:00

At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.
- Marshall B. Rosenberg

Three times today I had to listen and reply even though I was hardly interested. I went to the largest Mosque we have here in DFW for Jumah prayers because it's closer to my place of work and that I could reach for work early. I returned home at 6 pm and went straight to sleep. Ever since I woke up two hours later I have been doing three things in particular - complaining, running and driving around trying to find what could soothe me and thinking with my mouth kept open. At 5 pm I looked at the watch and thought I still have to wait for at least four hours before I could call back home. Even then I knew I was not going to call immediately after four hours, the arrival of the end of those four hours made me feel good thinking I could call home anytime I wanted. I spoke to my mother when it was 10:20 pm here.

I have been thinking of talking to my father for a few hours now but didn't call him yet. If I talk to him I will have to wait till tomorrow to talk to him again. I just got irritated today. Though I don't have a family here or anything like a group of friends, I still strongly believe I should be allowed to have preferences and have an option to take some time for myself. I just can't let anybody decide if I should be free or not. Today I had somebody forcing me to do something yet making it sound like a request. There seemed like there was no talking over but I had my way. I wasted more than three hours for nothing. Nobody can bring them back to me.

There was already something running trouble in my mind and when a thing like this comes up I tend to get a little cold toward everybody I meet. I avoid talking fearing I would end up appearing rude. At the back of my mind I keep recollecting that thing I heard a couple of months back: "I am 19 and I can take care of myself". Somehow I need to finish this paragraph. Recent few months have helped me learn that indifference is one of the major things that can hurt me. I tend to remember every single word of affection and appreciation said to me these days. Alhamdulillah.

Guesses At Truth

2009-07-03T03:39:00.003-05:00

There are offences given and offences not given but taken.
- Izaak Walton

I thought I should write. It starts with a thought always. The way this idea came up three years back then had me writing everyday when everything became too dull to give any further reasons to write. Perhaps I developed new ways letting out or I lost some energy. I am yet get tired or stressed out dealing weired people for 10 hours for six days every week. Inshallah I will go fine till I get into working for what I am studying. I started writing this paragraph just because I felt like doing it and I didn't want to spend more time to see if that feeling would stay or leave. Thoughts need to be turned into actions the moment they appear appropriate in the first place.

I received a call from a friend from India a little before I was about to leave for work on Wednesday. When I received it there were three more friends on the conference and I spoke to them till I had to take the exit from I35. I guess it was all for 30 minutes including a short break from the conversation I took to get some gas on my way. I knew my tank had gone below one-fourth but I didn't realize until I saw the level again when I started. Three months back it would take around $25 to fill up the tank. It goes almost to $35 now. America needs to keep invading countries that drill lots of oil so that we don't end up paying more for gas. I only use Shell.

It was wonderful talking to friends. I wish it could last longer but the night in India was getting deeper and my calling time shorter. I still had lots of minutes but seeing something like this come to a place in sight of the end doesn't fell good. I never like seeing my gas tank fall below one-fourth and in the same way I don't like my minutes reach 300 for a month though I can go beyond that with no problem. My night time usage per month exceeds 1000 minutes. It's kind of strange that even in-coming calls are charged same as out-going. Phone usage in India seems cheapest when it's day-time here and in the nights nothing sounds cheaper than America.

As a fair bottom line I find America cheaper looking at how people get paid. It's not a big thing to get a night's stay at a five star hotel for around $75 but back in India it takes at least Rs.15,000 for the same piece. A day's work pays at least $64 on an average and having a stomach-full dinner costs less than $10. A person working in a similar way in India earns less than Rs. 100 and if he goes for a good buffet he won't afford it. It's exorbitant pricing there. I guess there is no point in comparing. The government in our country wants the gap between poor and rich grow. US government instead wants even the poor to enjoy their lives. Luxury shouldn't be reserved to any specific class of people.

Every time I talk in favor of this country I find at least one person telling me about my changed behavior or attitude. I find no necessity in commenting on this. I need to be loyal to everything that treats me well. I keep good regards for the place I come from. For me the only classification that matters is based on religion. It doesn't mean I would discriminate on basis of that. In fact I even tend to be more soft with people who do not accept Islam. That's a different point - it's just how I classify. Though I strongly believe that discrimination starts where we begin classifying, I give more importance to what Allah asks from me. Me, feeling a thing is not at all worthy enough to stop me from being what Allah wants me to be. I try to be good to everybody so that the other person returns the same favor - at least when he meets me second time. Alhamdulillah.

Same Old

2009-06-22T18:45:00.000-05:00

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
- Victor Hugo

Two Saturdays went by and even after thinking about so much I would write on the blog, I didn't update. I wasted a lot of time sleeping this week going beyond eight hours four times. On 13th I attended a function hosted by my uncle who lives in Murphy to celebrate his new-born son's Naam Rakhai and his youngest daughter's Bismillah. Most of my cousins and aunt arrived from Houston. Then it was my second cousin's marriage on 20th. I attended two grand parties - one in Hilton Anatole close to downtown Dallas and one in Embassy Suites in Carollton. Unexpectedly I had to take an off from my work today and I thought I should write.

Every time I sit for this after a gap, I wonder how my willingness to write a thing I have thought about since I updated last has faded away. There is so much always to think; so much a desire to share; but by the time it comes to putting it here everything seems pointless. The question of what difference it is going to make surfaces making me remind myself again that I write for myself and nobody else. Doing anything for myself doesn't seem so motivating though at the end there is always some kind of satisfaction but I am sure if I decide that I am going to write for somebody in particular, I would write everyday not even trying to think what motivation is.

I spoke to four friends yesterday on phone. I saw both my room mates asleep when I reached my apartment from the reception and I began to feel lonely. I called up my mother first to let her know I was back safely. My first two calls to two friends had no response. Then of course things started getting back and I spoke to three of them one after the other. It's different worlds when I talk to different people. And when there is nobody to talk it's just mine. Things don't feel so good these days. I will try to go out for some movie today with my room mate is he is free in the evening. I have to sit down with Java again. It's kind of weired these days. Alhamdulillah I am still happy.

Delayed Feed

2009-06-08T08:17:00.004-05:00

Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile... initially scared me to death.
- Betty Bender

I don't know how I missed the alarm I had set in my phone to wake me up at 5 am. There was sunlight outside when I opened my eyes and hunger had just moved in. I took a while to think about the alarm but it's alright now - there's half more pizza to finish, I will talk to my roommate for sometime who woke up few minutes ago and get back to sleep. I have an off today and there are no plans for the day yet. It scares me not to have anything to do. I think I will call up my friend to see if he is in Plano right now. I can even go to my uncle's place in Murphy who had been asking me to visit him since long.

It feels like there is so much to and so less time. I am falling short of sleep daily and it hits my neck directly making it ache so frequently. Some times I wonder how it would be if there was nothing like sleeping - there would be one enjoyment less then! Most of the things I do always get pushed to the deadline even though I try to take care of them before time. It's good I never have the pressure of reaching my place of work at any precise time. I can take a 15 minute delay and even call up somebody who is already there and let him know if I am getting more late than that. There isn't much to wrote of course. My roommate left for his job just now and my other roommate is still awake busy with his laptop. Like me, he rarely sleeps.

Though I always wait for changes to take place even when they horrify me, I am not getting time these days to think about any changes. But I am sure I am going to look back at these days in wonder a few years from now. There are incredible things I am learning with some strange people I meet almost daily. Things also make me wonder if this is what I really came to America for and somehow the answer is positive because I am on the track to reach where I think I need to go. Things can always get some smoothening at the edges but it's not bad with little complains.

Catalog

2009-06-04T02:48:00.003-05:00

"Independence"... is middle-class blasphemy. We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.
- G.B. Shaw, Pygmalion, 1912

I can't force myself to write. I opened the 'Create' page, waited for something to come to me, thought of who all might read it, had a banana, took a short walk in the living room and even stared outside the patio but nothing seems amusing enough to me to be write about. I can decide now that writing is not for me but it's too late already. That's not a reason for not writing. I have not been writing and burning down the daily urge to write because by the time I reach my apartment daily I am too tired even to eat my dinner. Today I had an off that put me into long sleep. I like spending lots of time just lying around but I had a couple of important things to finish which I had been advancing by a day for three consecutive days.

I had a sleep of almost 10 hours. I had been sleeping for less than five hours for almost a month now and when daily the back of my head and neck ache due to lack of sleep, today they were uncomfortable due to too much sleep. I had to take a short nap a while ago to set them right. I sent out a couple of e-mail and waiting for replies. The replies are not important though. It feels good to know that I am connected to a network that even connects so many other people who have important roles. Some are accessible to me while some still stay disconnected. It's the address and the permission, not the roads and means to travel on them that is important this time.

We brought home biryani and tandoori chicken for dinner when we went for grocery shopping to a desi store today. I don't like going to such stores. People always seem to be interested in what I am doing, how I am looking and what I am buying. The cashiers too are not friendly. This girl at the counter seemed a new recruit so she was polite but the other girl who works there always seems to have a question on her face: "why the heel are you here?". It's so different when I go to stores like Taget, Tomthumb or Walmart. The cashier greets, asks how I am doing and wishes me a good day when I leave. I do the same thing where I work no matter who the customer is. It's ironic to see cold behavior from South Asians especially when we boast of things like rich culture and morals. There's still lot to learn from Westerners.

This again reminds me of that half-wit I met at the Mumbai's International Airport who works for VFS Global. He asked me why I was going to the US even when he had my passport in his hands that had an F-1 visa stamped on it showing the university and the city I was going to - a visa that had been issued to me by the government of the United States of America. Perhaps this guy gets frustrated all day watching people go to this country when he can't but sit there. But that's not my problem. All enquiry that USA wanted to do had been done and they were fine with me coming to their country. This guy who was an Indian like me was questioning me and indirectly the government of America. I had to answer with respect - it was my first time.

When I reached the port of entry in Newark, the officer there greeted me, checked all the papers and said "welcome to America" with a big warm smile. He didn't belong to the country I was from, he didn't speak the language I spoke and his skin's color was a lot fairer than mine yet he was welcoming me to his country. I understand it's his job to be so good to me but so it was for that guy there in Mumbai. Mine was not an isolated case. I have heard similar experiences from more people too especially from my father's friend. He has an American passport and he was asked for his length of stay in India at New Delhi. He asked the officer to check it on the passport who in turn behaved rudely with him. My father's friend told the officer that at the most he would make him miss his flight but being an American citizen he could get his suspended from his job. Some police men had to interfere and the officer apologized.

Few days back an African American guy told me he was from New Orleans, I emphasised that I am from India and he had a smile on his face in appreciation. We are respected here like how Americans are respected. There is no second rate treatment. I have met people from from Far East, Middle East, Africa, Europe and South America and never for even a single moment did I feel that I was being seen with less respect. It's people of my own country in particular and people from South Asia who do that. No doubt I have met some wonderful people from my country, Pakistan and Bangladesh who have been too good to me, but there is more pity than good with others. We Indians are intelligent, educated and faster than many people here. We are the ones for whom finishing basic schooling is of little significance. I know myself - I never felt great that I am an engineer. Americans here look at me as if I have walked on the moon before reaching here.

When children reach an age of 19, they say "I am 19 and I can take care of myself". A driving license is what that differentiates between boys and men. I don't even remember when I crossed 19. It was so insignificant for me. I remember when I got my driving license in India - it felt good but not great. Here - I felt more good because I needed it badly and I had turned 22 just a month before that; there was no excitement. As a bottom line, I have learned to live with both of these. I appreciate a few qualities and like some other things. It's good to know how to react to each of these. I intend to be good and celebrate every day and appreciate every people. Our lives are too short to complain. But it's fun to make fun at times! It's also good to know who we can trust. 9,000 miles from home, I still feel I am enjoying. Alhamdulillah.

Three Forty One A M

2009-05-29T02:42:00.002-05:00

Growing up happens in a heartbeat. One day you're in diapers, the next day you're gone. But the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house like a lot of other houses, a yard like a lot of other yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. And the thing is, after all these years, I still look back, with wonder.
- The Wonder Years

I lay myself on the floor wondering how different it is now and woke up suddenly to the sound of the main door opening. I had fell asleep and my room mate who was out to attend a party had returned. I had called him a while before that just after returning from work and he had informed me that I need not pick him up and he has found a ride. The first thing I look for every night as I enter the parking lot is my room mate's car - my friend who left us two days back. It wasn't there today because he is in Chicago now. I spoke to him finally and he said he has reached there safely alhamdulillah. It was 12:50 am when I reached home today.

I don't like entering a home which has nobody in it and no lights turned on. My other room mate was already asleep as expected. He has to get up early daily to go to office. As a thought that came to my mind some minutes back, I guess I have begun to bore others now. Some days back one of my co-workers said I was talking less and today I was in fact talking less. I can't help it. I just don't find things to talk about anymore so easily. Or perhaps it's just a passing thing. It's all good as long as I don't bore myself. I never get bored. I can sit at one place for hours waiting for or listening to anybody. Alhamdulillah.

I spent a big part of my return journey today thinking how good it would have been if I didn't have to take favors from others. I spent a part thinking about why I can't be more good. I remember my father asking me every few days, when I was going to become a good boy. That was of course until a few years back when I finally grew up enough not to be asked such a thing. But most of the times my father had asked me that I would ask him if I was not good already. He always said I was but that I needed to be much better. It was never a serious talk though - it hurts me now somehow. Failing others hurts more than failing oneself.

I went to a mall in the morning looking for a gift for a friend back in India. I spent a lot of time there looking for the right thing but it didn't help much. I had something in mind already but soon realized it was not possible for me to make that as a gift. I need to think more now and find something else. It's going to get even more late now. My father's friend is going to leave for India next week. I have to send it through him or wait for him to come back by the end of June when he is going to stay here for a couple of weeks and go back again. Anyways someday inshAllah I will have my gift delivered. There is still so much left to give and return to so many people. I am afraid.

Last Monday I went to downtown Dallas and later to a place called Main Even nearby to have some fun with bowling. It was a long day and between these two outings I even had to go to Irving. Perhaps that day I travelled about a 100 miles and yet I was in the same place. Whenever I went to the outskirts of Hyderabad I used to hear somebody say how wonderful it would be to have our home built in a place like this. Texas is a place like that. All cities are so spread out that except for downtown everything else appears to be a suburb. No other place in the world has freeways like Texas has. It boasts luxury, serenity and low cost of living. That also makes Dallas stay on the second spot on the 'cities with highest crime' list. It was at the top until last month. It's San Antonio now.

Still Waiting

2009-05-27T03:11:00.003-05:00

That first week of high school, as I watched our class band together. I realized something about these strangers I'd just met. Strangers I hardly knew. Strangers who were just like me. We were all sharing the same feelings. The same fears, the same loneliness. We were just starting out, and there was only one direction to go. So we went - together.
- The Wonder Years

It was 12:25 am Sunday when I entered the freeway to return home and the traffic started slowing down. That's pretty unusual at that time of day. Soon I came to a dead halt and remained for more than 30 minutes. First few minutes I spent getting entertainment from the radio I had already turned on. Then I called up two of my friends in India only to come to know they were not available to receive my call. I am not sure if I did connect to their phones or not. My mother called me up and I told her I was far from my apartment and didn't know how much more time it was going to take for the traffic to clear. At 12:30 am that day I was between at least a few thousand cars most of them coming from downtown heading north.

I had no complains as I stared at the red tail lamp of the car in front of me. Instead of keeping a minimum of one-car-distance, two-feet-distance had become the standard. I thought of calling few more people and some calculations told me it's perhaps distance I need to appreciate. I stared at the red lamp thinking how different we all need to be, how it is not necessary that we explain everything to everybody, how we need to respect boundaries and how everything can't be stopped or started at our will. That night I reached my apartment 40 minutes late than usual with no complains in my heart praying for pleasantness everywhere. About 10 days back too I had spent an hour each in a similar but slow-moving traffic on the same freeways.

One of my roommate-friends is leaving for Chicago in a few hours from now. He met me while I was on a long journey hoping it ended sooner, brought loads of fun and happiness into the loneliness, made me know everything about him, came to know everything about me and is leaving this place leaving me on the same journey. He is definitely going to come back inshAllah but even he doesn't know when. I hope and pray he finds success in what he is trying to do. I would never take a risk of the size he is taking but I appreciate his courage. I have learnt a lot from him. From an elder respectable person he was to me some months back, he became one of my closest buddies here. Age doesn't matter more to me when making friends alhamdulillah.

In a world that had become so big for me suddenly, there have been wonderful people close enough to make that world all familiar. Clearly, people who have travelled more and have been to many places have lots to teach and volumes of maturity to share. I don't think it's real possible for any normal person to grow staying in a single place. Though I didn't go to many places, I have some people who have done a lot of that and are always there willing to make a difference to my life. When I go to some new place here in Dallas, I don't feel like an alien anymore. I feel how I used to feel back in Hyderabad to the extent the place is concerned. When it comes to people, it's a different story. The downward curve on my lips occurs not because I am far from them, but because of something else. I was just tired of always being the only one wanting to talk.

Lots of times I have been asked about my grades as the semester ended. It was good to see concerns but somehow I felt there were more important things to be spoken now that the semester was over. Of course one would complain that when I am here for studies, grades should matter more than anything else. It's simple: I am here to take life forward. I am going to stay here for many years even after my studies are done with. Planning for that is more important. But for sure, nobody who has seen things here would understand what I mean and what it is that I mean. For the record, I scored a C, a B+ and an A making the GPA for Spring semester 3.11 and bringing my overall to 3.22. A few of us roughed up with a professor to receive a C. It's alright; for me.

It shows in black and while when a person we are talking to is interested in our talk or not. It's shows in black and white when somebody shows more concern and interest or tries to give a cold shoulder. These might happen involuntarily but a few actions are supposed to be done to keep relationships no matter what the intention is. Faith is belief in action. I just can't keep calling somebody my friend doing nothing else; being nothing like a friend. At times it's good to have things moving fast but I know I am not liking it. What's the difference. No questions when answers are already there.

When the day breaks I won't have this friend with me around if the weather gets clear. He is just one more who is leaving. I remember that day I stood at the sidewalk of Eat Street in Hyderabad watching a friend leave. I could have stayed there for few more hours watching. Things are very different now; not at all like how I thought they would be standing there that day. I know I can look at the the calendar, put some efforts and gather the exact date and time of that occasion but it has no point. I feel like turning my face away from my computer. That's not the end of course. Alhamdulillah. There are going to be new people, new bondings and more people leaving.

Yes, Waiting

2009-05-19T04:20:00.004-05:00

When you're thirteen, it's a long way to Albuquerque. Teri told me about getting her learner's permit, and taking her first drive with a stick-shift. She wrote of our night at the beach. She told me she missed me so much that she cried herself to sleep at night. And she promised to write to me, until we saw each other again. I keep that letter in an old shoebox. It was the only letter she ever wrote me.
- The Wonder Years

I am writing today just to push the previous post down to second on this page. I don't mind having such reasons as long as I am writing for myself even if it's termed as being illogical, aggressive or anything. I had even considered making the whole blog protected again but then I knew I would make it open very soon and I would also have to invite people just to keep them as my friends - it would get all messy then. At a time when most of what I do and think goes unrecorded, it's not a bit easy to write posts like these with a reason so bland. It can be called that too. It's necessary because i don't know when I am going to write next. I am worried about people at times.

My semester ended that I received my grade in just one course. Alhamdulillah I am happy I could do well in it given that I was among the only 3 students in the class who had no professional working experience to take up a course like Software Project Planning and Management. I was asked by many how I feel that my semester is not over and I am done with half my masters. I don't feel any different. It's just like there were some very important things going on and one of them just took a three month vacation. It's going to be back again to join the rest of the very important things. I can't help if I am supposed to feel any special good and party that my semester is over.

Until a while back I was talking to a friend and told her how three of our other friends seem to have changed. We think they are busy these days and that they have picked up new directions. I appreciate everybody and complain about nobody. I secretly wished we could be the same in spite of all those changes we have opted for. It mostly depends on what we want and how we want things to be. So frequently I think of not going back to some people but it hurts to think they have been so important to me and I guess even continue to be even now. I am not sure if it is I who takes things wrong or if it is they who disappoint me. Either ways, I hope no matter how much they change they remember their friends.

Jeopardy

2009-05-13T03:15:00.002-05:00

Love is never simple. Not for fathers and sons. We spend our lives full of hope and expectations. And most of the time we are bound to fail. But that afternoon as I watched my father sheltering his son against a future that was so unsure, all I knew was they didn’t want to let each other down anymore.
- The Wonder Years

I just had perhaps what was the most difficult conversation I ever had with my father or with anybody else. He called me up when I least expected and he was clear with his sole intention of making me speak up. I guess if I had to tell him the same thing just four months back it wouldn't have been so difficult for me. I knew already what he would think of as a reason for my changed behavior lately; I just had to tell him it was not that. I told him I would write him an e-mail after a few days thinking I could take some time, think peacefully and put things in the right words. But he wanted to hear it there itself. There were many seconds spent between him and me on the phone with no words said at all that looked like endless moments. I had to tell him. My heart's still beating fast with a fear of what could happen next.

A few months back things were different. I could say it to my parents so many times all by myself even without being asked so seriously. Things all changed. That's what I have always liked. Even the fear I have now welcomes one. But it's all so uncertain; it's like not waiting for things to come to me but running to them trying to grab them ahead of time still keeping in mind the uncertainty of it's correctness. I know it's correct and in perfect accordance to Islam inherently to what Allah wants from us. It's the time I live in that doesn't easily support this hurry. It's a wait I cannot wait but get frustrated.

I had to write today on my blog so that when I write or talk to my father again I don't end up reacting but give a responsible response to what he expects from me now. I am sure not even one out of 10 people get to have a father like I have. The way I told him this thing after going through so much perceived complications I had, I know it takes only a man like my him to stand up for me. The biggest gifts he gave me are himself and his trust. It's going to be another large volume if I write about my mother. Life refuses to be clean. We are not designed to take clean lives. Allah has balanced out everything perfectly. My father told me there is no problem that cannot have a solution. I agreed but said the problem is with something else - the stretch between today and the solution.

Some weeks ago a friend mocked at me making fun about me waiting. I just couldn't take it. Every time I think I am over it, it knocks me off. Perhaps if it was somebody else telling me that, it wouldn't have hit me so hard. Or maybe she just mistimed it. It's perhaps my bad that it had to bother me so much. I can't complain against anybody. I am just drawn that way. It's my compass; not the ship; not the wind's direction. Freedom is a sophisticated weapon which can work in anyways. I have relationships to fulfil, friends to keep and favors to return. I simply can't try to mould everything into how I want to see it as. I don't try that much; I never put that urge in my behavior. I instead keep it within. I wish I didn't have to take favors from people I am taking now. May Allah bless them with all happiness.

The highest paying jobs in the world are the ones that involve taking very big and very important decisions. Making the right decision is more important than even executing major plans. A simple 'yes', an intelligent smile, an indifferent face or an even a more simple 'no' can make irreversible changes. I get into this at a time when I am finally beginning to settle down with things here after spending more than eight months. I know a friend who asks me frequently "why so early?". I have a friend who says "you will end up hurting yourself". I might never have answers to give them unless I am finally through it inshAllah. Then inshAllah my answers will be in the form of love. The last word sounds so good. Alhamdulillah.

That Lame Sparrow

2009-04-24T04:49:00.000-05:00

And for some reason, maybe the way he said it, I began to understand. He wasn't giving me an order. My dad, was asking me for help. That morning, as I stood with the man who was my father... The son of my grandfather, the man who would one day be the grandfather of my sons...I realized something. That not all gifts are simple. That some battles are fought out of love.
- Narrator, The Powers That Be [3.12], The Wonder Years

As I pulled the car into the drive way I saw two birds resembling ducks near the rear tire of a parked car on the right side. They started crossing the drive way and I had to come to a dead halt. I have never seen such birds here and I assume they were migrating to some place and stopped over for some food. Though they resembled ducks, I am half sure they were not. Their beaks were flat but short and they were smaller in size than the ducks I know. They could be ducks too but they were interesting due to their colorful feathers at the neck. They took short steady steps making me fall in love with their moves. I was waiting in the car for them to clear my way. Perhaps I would have written more about them if they had at least turned their heads towards me in appreciation of my patience. I waited for them to cross; I didn't even honk. They were rude and knew only of their way.

Frequently my memory goes back to my grandparents' house 15 years back. The scene of the open veranda, the servant maid sitting on the floor cutting vegetables and onions around 11 am daily and my grandmother on the other side of the veranda in the kitchen cooking - usually boiling the fresh milk at that time of the day. The guava tree outside the grill always had fruits on it and the curry-leaves tree was green all through the year. A cat was usually seen sitting on the boundary wall watching birds sit on the tree, come down to the floor of veranda, take pieces of vegetable waste and fly away. The huge pomegranate tree was on the other side not visible in this scene. But I feel it's cool presence well aware of the sweet fruit it always blessed me with; alhamdulillah.

There was a small nest made by some sparrows in the outer side of a ventilator at roof-level and one of those sparrows had a cut limb. Though when sparrows move on the ground they appear to be hopping, this sparrow's hop was different. It would fly down from it's nest, pick pieces of cut cilantro in it's beak and fly away. I remember seeing this happen several times during those days. I remember our servant maid leaving vegetable waste on purpose in the open so that these birds could pick them up. After those days, I don't remember seeing many sparrows in India. And now, when I am here, I seem them so frequently. I miss that lame sparrow. A few years back I wept thinking about that small bird. I guess it's already dead.

In the evening I was checking out at Walmart when I saw a three-years-or-so girl playing with a CD box waiting for her mother. A boy younger to her was sitting on the cart and there was a baby lying inside the cart. I watched the girl moving around jumping when she saw me. I smiled at her and she returned a smile but I turned away with several things in my mind. I recollected my brother telling me that my smile looked artificial most of the times, I realized I have not found any times in the last one week to shave my beard that I might be looking unpleasing and I was sure I would feel more sad watching those three kids play not giving me a chance to join them and talk to them. The girl was so beautiful. She was Hispanic.

Tuesday morning I returned from the university at 6:45 am. We were working on a project involving AES, MAC and Google APIs for a few days and we had to submit it before evening the same day. The day before I went to the university in the afternoon after returning from job, came back to apartment for some rest and food and went back again. On Tuesday afternoon I was there to make the final proceedings. Our submission was before time but we were late for another assignment we had. An hour later I had another submission for a core course. The class had already started and I was working in the lab. I called my teammate who was in the class; as expected, he didn't receive. He called me back after a few minutes. I asked him if he could come out for a minute. A couple of minutes later I was on my way back to my apartment thanking Allah how blessed I am to have wonderful people around me. I had handed over some papers to my teammate and asked him to submit them on my behalf. I couldn't attend the class because there was hardly any time left for it to get over.

The status message of a contact in Facebook reminded me of a poem I had written about more than two years back. His status message said he was very happy. That night I wrote the poem I was very happy too - with no reason; and I don't remember being happy like that again since then. It's not that happiness has stayed away from me - I have seen lots of happiness and satisfaction in other ways; but this was different. It was night time and seemed as if it was going to rain, the weather was pleasant with cool breeze entering the window and the only thing I knew was that I was very happy. I remember no words of the poem, I only remember what made me write it; I remember the happiness. It was so different again when I was going for work at 5:30 am in the morning. Every day seems something different here. Alhamdulillah. My job started at 6 am on Thursday.

One of my friends is going to leave for Jeddah next week inshAllah. He has had his share of waiting and now inshAllah he shall be on his own. It's eight months and ten days since I have left home and I seem to have forgotten so many things about how I used to live there. Allah has made us very flexible and adjusting that we can blend ourselves into anything we find worth it. I am going to see my first summer here and I hope I make the most out of it. I want to earn as much as possible and perfect Java. InshAllah by next month I will have paid off for my car and I know how I will be satisfied. It's another dream fulfilled alhamdulillah - having a car here is not a big deal but having it being a student like me is. Right now I can think of only one thing in this life that could give me more happiness than anything else. It's not getting a permanent job, going to India, getting married or even buying an island. It's something else irreplaceable.

A Little April

2009-04-20T01:04:00.003-05:00

One of the virtues of being very young is that you don't let the facts get in the way of your imagination.
-Sam Levenson

There isn't any big reason to write today save the fact that I haven't written for a while. With hardy any time left for the semester to end there are some project submissions and tests to be taken care of which consume a lot of time. It's good to be spending time this way rather than doing stuff that works for nothing. I have to go to bed early now so that I can wake up at 7 am to go to work. I haven't slept much in the last few days - I guess it was four hours yesterday and about five hours a day before. I don't remember how long it was before that. It isn't of much importance except that my eyes appear tired with darkness around them.

I registered for courses for Fall 2009 the other day. InshAllah I am going to study Advanced Software Architecture and Design, Advanced Database Design and Telecom Network Management. I am not quite sure if I am going to go ahead with the last one in list - I have least idea about what it is. All I know from others is it gives good grades. I will go for something else if something new and interesting is offered. I wanted to study a course involving Data Mining but it has Computational Biology as a prerequisite which I am in no mood to consider. I won't be taking any course for the summer semester. I don't want to finish my studies any earlier than May 2010.

After writing the first two sentences I felt like deleting them and postponing the update after which I stopped thinking about what I am feeling. I will have some snack and go to bed in a few minutes inshAllah. It definitely doesn't feel good not spending much time on the computer, but I have to sacrifice that for a couple of days inshAllah. It's not supposed to be called as a sacrifice though - it's a path I have chosen over other things I could have opted for. Being patient can be frustrating. I used to think it's all just a matter of time. Being patient also at times leads to giving no importance to what patience can bring. Frustration can kill many a thing. I can't stop myself from thinking about everything I feel. I like a few of them - even if they are self-defeating.

Some Times In April

2009-04-08T01:26:00.003-05:00

Today I come bearing an olive branch in one hand, and the freedom fighter's gun in the other. Do not let the olive branch fall from my hand. I repeat, do not let the olive branch fall from my hand.
- Yasser Arafat, United Nations General Assembly, New York, November 13th, 1974

I got an e-mail from a friend from India who asked me to vote for the present king of Saudi Arabia for the Nobel Peace prize. The moment I saw that I decided I would vote against it. I opened the link that e-mail contained and found a button on that page that read "vote". I thought clicking on it would give options to vote in favor of the king or against the king and so, I clicked it. On the contrary, the web-page gave me a message that thanked me for voting for the king. It just made me say "what?". That king might be the ruler of that country Saudi Arabia but he can't dictate on what I think about him. He might be a king, one of the richest men in the world owning more than $21 billion or even a Muslim. I would never want him to get any prize.

If this king was a true Muslim he would have given up his power and had enforced khilafat in his country. If he was a true Muslim having so much money he would have helped millions of poor dying with hunger in Africa. If he was a true Muslim he would never live in castles made out from money his country men deserve to have. Wikipedia tells about the amount of money he has donated for various purposes. If he was a true Muslim not even his four wives, seven sons and 15 daughters would have come to know about it. He has been ranked No. 5 on Parade Magazine's 2009 World's Worst Dictators list. I would never be in favor of this kind of person getting a Peace Prize.

Saudi Arabia has already been sold to the United States of America. Every time a Saudi king or a prince makes an international statement it is moderated by America. Literacy rate in Saudi Arabia is too less given the amount of wealth its citizens possess. Every few years they build a new university, emulate America, create a western environment and the king takes credit for it. If the king was really interested in getting the people of his country educated, Saudi Arabia could easily afford a hundred new universities every year. The royal family doesn't want the people to get educated. Education is a threat to monarchy.

Recently I read an article that said how 200 Mosques in Mecca have the wrong Quibla direction. I am well aware how many people living in Saudi Arabia practice Islam because it's their culture and not purely because Allah has asked us for it. There are so many fake Shariat laws in effect in Saudi Arabia including the one that gives the government the power to enforce purda. And it's purda which is enforced, not the hijab which Allah wants us to practice. No matter how many years a citizen of other country lives in this kingdom, serves the rich sheiks there, he is never treated like how the locals are treated. I am well aware how South Asians are given second rate treatment even by the police that is supposed to keep law in order. A king of such a country deserves no prize.

I was already angry while returning from work today and this e-mail proved to be a perfect catalyst to it. I was so angry that I had to remind myself of the speed limit on the roads I was driving on. I just wanted to press the gas hard and pour out all the heat my blood had but the rules don't allow anybody do that. Alhamdulillah. All my way back home I was trying my best to find faults in myself and every time I could find even a small piece of it I could feel calmness returning to me. I even forgot to drink the can of soda I had kept by my side. Perhaps I was good by the time I returned to my laptop; I saw this e-mail and it was back to square one again. I never liked Saudi Arabia having a king. But perhaps it's in the best interests on those illiterate people that they are ruled by somebody than given the power to rule themselves. Allah decides; alhamdulillah.

With Mondays

2009-04-07T04:05:00.000-05:00

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

I changed my wallet today. I had been using a black one given to me by my aunt a couple of years back. She and I were cleaning my grandfather's room and found two new black leather wallets in one of his bags. She asked me to keep one of them so that it didn't go waste staying in the same bag. Today, I removed all my money and cards from it and put it in the new one, put the money I had in my suitcase in it and put it back into the suitcase. The new one I am using now was gifted to me by my friends in 2007 on my birthday. It's brown in color. I remember that day.

We went to watch Pink Panther 2 on Monday at night. I had a class till 9:45 pm but the professor was not going to come so I thought I could inshAllah finish the assignments by next class and skip this one. The movie got over at 11 pm, we went to Walmart after that and by the time we reached home, cooked food and had dinner, I am sure it was 2 am. This was an hour early than when I had my dinner after coming home on Sunday. I had slept a little before 7 am to stay in it for 10 hours. I sleep on Mondays alhamdulillah. It's as difficult to get out of bed as it is to get in. It's a fight.

Sunday, just a few hours after talking to my parents I felt like talking to my father again. For an hour I tried to imagine how he would respond. I was sure he would ask me if everything was alright but I just wanted to talk to him. It was uneasy to think how calling my father too needed a reason. Further, I didn't wish to give him any impression that there might be something I am feeling bad about that I wanted to talk to him - I just wanted to talk not even knowing what to talking; it's not what we talk; it's the talk - the time spent. And I called him. Perhaps he understands how one would feel and we spoke as if we hadn't had any conversation for a week. Alhamdulillah. I wish I never have to think twice before I feel like talking to anybody, never have to decide that I shouldn't call and always have the phone number of the person I wish to talk; inshAllah.

A Piece Of Days

2009-04-05T03:09:00.000-05:00

I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had.
- The Wonder Years

I remember when April 5th was a Friday - it was two years back ; all my classmates were hosting a farewell party for the seniors in Taj Banjara and I had stayed home. Though I never myself had a straight explanation why I wished to stay away, later I thanked Allah I didn't go. There were a few reasons I hardly remember now but one of them was how everybody behaves in a disco. On Thursday I recollected the freshers party in Taj Krishna, I attended when I was in my first year of bachelors more than four years back, when I went to the UT Dallas International Students Dance Party. I didn't go there to dance but just to attend a party. There were several such events all through the week which I had stayed away from so, I thought I should be a student too. It's three years now since this blog came into existence.

On Friday there was a foam-party my roommate friend attended. He asked me to come along but I had plans to prepare chicken biryani with my other roommate friend and I stayed away. Later he told me how he enjoyed though he didn't step into the foam for not having the right kind of footwear. I secretly wished I had been there for a while at least just to see how a foam-party looks like. There is free food too on all such parties that happen here; they happen every other day. There is so much to enjoy - parties, food, indoor and outdoor games, girls, boys money, luxuries - alhamdulillah I never find it difficult being selective.

I see how soda drinks and juices have slowly replaced water in my diet. They taste tastier with food, have calories that help me and make me feel good! My favorite is Dr. Pepper which none of my roommates appreciate. I remember my cousin telling me in one of the iftaar times in Ramzaan that Dr. Pepper tastes weired at first, but if I adjust to it I will never find any drink better than it. He was right. It's no wonder why so many people here especially with non-American origin don't like it - it tastes really weired. I wonder how I ended up liking it - that's weired too. I even like Minute Maid's Fruit Punch.

I met the same cousin on Friday at Walmart in night. He was with his UTD friends who know me too. I always feel great whenever I meet him and even these other guys. They are the kind of people who make me want to say I should be like them. But immediately I realize there are many things I need to learn from them but I would never want to be like any other person I come across. I might fall in love with how these people are, give them the highest respect or even call them the best of people I know, but I love being the person I am alhamdulillah. This cousin always gave me peace and help. He taught me how to order at McDonalds and Subway, taught me the basics of driving here each of which I observe even now, taught me to how girls wearing jeans here is not as bad as I used to think and also taught me how one can enjoy life following Allah's path.

I can recollect the night he was dropping me back to my apartment after a party I was invited to. I asked him why girls wore jeans here even though they always sport scarfs, pray ardently and observe all practices made mandatory by Allah. He told me that I need to get used to it. A few days later I had asked my cousin sister. She gave me a similar answer too. It was only after my long stay in Houston that I understood how my perspective had been illogical. We people from India are a little conservative in our approach about clothing and food. Since January both of these in me have changed - being conservative is not what is needed, being how Allah wants us to be is. Allah asked us for hijaab; never for any particular kind of clothes.

It's All In The Books I Should Read

2009-03-31T03:53:00.001-05:00

I've never seen a smiling face that was not beautiful.
- Author Unknown

It's strange how my week starts at 7 pm every Monday. In the class which ended a little more than six hours back the professor said we won't be doing any lab work but students will have to read some of the slides for the class so that he could talk on them and nobody sleeps. I wanted to read some; I tried to sit in a more relaxing way for sometime so that I would catch his attention prompting him to ask me to talk; for a while I tried to show that I was being very attentive in the class by moving closer to the table and putting my hands on them; neither worked. I love talking on such occasions.

After reading a friend's post on music on her blog a few days back I spent a good amount of time trying to find hadees and references from the holy Quran that prohibit music. I have not come across any verse from the holy Quran or a Sahih Hadees that music is prohibited. There are a couple of hadees that do infer a prohibition but interpretation can differ. If music indeed was such a big sin, then Allah Himself would have asked us to keep away from it by mentioning it in the holy Quran. I didn't discuss this matter with many people but read some on the Internet and had talks on it with two of my room-mate friends. I understand I am not learned enough to make big judgements but I will be glad if somebody comes up with a straight forward verse from the holy Quran or Sahih Hadees proclaiming music as sinful.

Cheating, lying and back-biting are bigger sins that must be contained and stayed away from. There are only two hadees that indirectly infer music as sinful and even if they were to be rather more direct, I am sure it's not as big a sin as cheating, lying or back-biting are. My two friends, though are from different countries than I am, were told by their parents that if they listened to music hell will treat their ears with hot wax or oil. I remember being said the same too. When I searched for arguments on music, I found this thing nowhere. I am personally against all forms of activities that take me away from Allah but I cannot accept something to be a sin only because it has some chance of doing so - if it was a sin, Allah would have mentioned it in the holy Quran. If there is anybody reading this and has direct references from the holy Quran and the hadees to guide me, I will be thankful to them. Alhamdulillah.

Four Fifty Five A M

2009-03-25T04:07:00.002-05:00

Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.
- Mark Twain

It's necessary that I read a lot so that I can write frequently and well. It's been almost a year since I have read any fiction or non-fiction book though there is no problem in accessing any of these. When I get time I sit with my laptop and sleep. Otherwise I am in the university attending some classes, at work or enjoying with my room-mate friends. It's been so much time but I am still not able to meet people here I want to visit. Timings simply don't match, I don't get enough of reasons and I prefer being more conservative.

My friends here at the university complain I don't return their calls, don't meet regularly or hardly spend any time with them. I know they understand why it's all this way. They are, I am sure, happy that there is at least somebody they know who works. With things getting tough here, internships drying up and living expenses increasing, it's a blessing to be me. But I am greedy. I don't know what makes me this. I refuse to wait for things to come to me. Many people tell there is a time for everything. I refuse to accept that. Marking for timings and placing events in them has been done by man; Allah didn't ask us to do that. There are orders from Allah and these paradigms dictated my men are against what Allah has asked for. It's a pity how decisions that mean lifetime to people are made based on money and financial status. Allah decides who gets happiness and it's source. Money doesn't decide. Money is very important though.

I came here for money. When I listen to people who say all they need is a decent enough job, a simple average life with just enough money for necessities and simple luxuries, a small family in a cozy home and a peaceful life creates a dislike for them within me. There are many questions I can ask them but I know it makes no difference. Perhaps such people are important too - if everybody started asking for more than average then it would make it difficult for people like me. I understand the intense competition. I never forget what Allah wants from me. This reminds me of a quote from a movie: "I want what all men want, I just want it more". Alhamdulillah.

Three Sticks

2009-03-24T05:19:00.000-05:00

"I shouldn't be surprised if it hailed a good deal tomorrow", Eeyore was saying. "Blizzards and what-not. Being fine today doesn't mean anything. It has no sig - what's that word? Well, it has none of that. It's just a small piece of weather."
- The House At Pooh Corner (1928), A. A. Milne

A lecture of around 20 minutes was remaining when I left the class. My laptop's battery was almost out, I knew I wouldn't be able to finish the left over class assignments and I was sure I would be able to read through the slides to understand the left over part of the lecture. The professor was right outside the class talking on phone when I stepped out of the door. He looked at me, I thought I could at least let him know I was leaving, but he was on call and didn't respond to my eyes after the first glance and I left hoping he won't mind. I am sure he won't bother. I just have to finish all the assignments in time inshAllah.

Later I went to Walmart and bought verities of snacks. I always look for the calories marked on all stuff I buy - I go for ones that are rich in them. My room mates look for products with low numbers in them. Perhaps the mistake I did today was going for shopping with an empty stomach. I am pretty sure though I will be having a colorful diet for the coming few days inshAllah. For dinner today I cooked a curry using onions and potatoes and halfway though I added a ready-made packaged curry of okra to it to cook them together. It came out well alhamdulillah. I don't feel good keeping 'Three Sticks' as the title for this post but I need something to record a thought I have been nurturing these days and I guess it's better done this way.

It's not easy for me to recollect my days between September and December 2008. Things changed a lot since I visited Houston. Perhaps the two major factors were my driving licence and a new friend as a room mate who had preferences similar to mine. For me, good people are those who bring out the best out of me, help me keep myself satisfied and enjoy my time. I usually call my father a little before going to bed. Though we had a detailed talk for around 20 minutes when it was 12:15 pm here, he himself called me before I could make the call. It was short but like always making me relish it. Today my mother too called me before I called her - it was 11:12 pm. The afternoon talk with my parents made some difference to three of us.

Just A Small Smackeral

2009-03-20T18:18:00.002-05:00

Pooh always liked a little something at eleven o'clock in the morning, and he was very glad to see Rabbit getting out the plates and mugs; and when Rabbit said, "Honey or condensed milk with your bread?" he was so excited that he said, "Both," and then, so as not to seem greedy, he added, "But don't bother about the bread, please."
- A. A. Milne, Winnie The Pooh

It's a pleasant evening today. I opened the patio's door and hear birds chirping. I have little idea about the names of these small birds but their chirping is similar to sparrows or perhaps sweeter. I turned the air conditioner off to enjoy the warm breeze coming from outside. I know it's going to get cold as the night approaches so, it's best to enjoy the weather at this time of the day. Though I haven't seen how it was during the afternoon I am sure it was hot and humid. Even a temperature of 25 degrees Centigrade seems hot at times. Weather can't be trusted here. I think I hear two different kinds of birds.

My classes start again on Monday at 7 pm. I had a weak plan of going to Austin in this Spring break but all I got was two days for myself and I spent almost half of them sleeping. I wanted to spend some time with my cousin sister who lives in Austin because the last time I went there I couldn't even talk to her properly. Austin is three and a half hours drive from Dallas on I35 E South. I 35 E North ends in Denton where a close friend lives. It's not that far from here and I had been thinking of visiting him too. I tend to leave things as they are unless they challenge peace. I had been wanting to visit my father's friend's place too in Bedford but I am not sure how much longer it's going to take.

The other day somebody asked me why I was so dressed up when I was in formal clothes. I returned a smile and said nothing. I can't explain these American people here who know nothing about how it is in the rest of the world. Further more I was sure no matter how much I try I wouldn't be about to explain it to this African American lady that formal clothes are for all occasions and ask her why she believed that wearing them means to be called as being dressed up. I feel more comfortable and confident when I am in formals. I don't bother with how others dress up - it's their personal preference. They shouldn't bother with my preference unless they mean somebody to me. The time for Magrib today is 7:55 pm and Ishan is at 9:30 pm. I have a plan to take a friend to a desi store in Richardson and then for Ishan at the nearby Masjid inshAllah.

Meet

2009-03-20T05:11:00.002-05:00

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints, 1966

It's seven months since I left India. The last post I published in India on this blog was the 459th and 39 posts later I write the 499th today alhamdulillah. Though I don't particularly bother with trivial numbers, some do please me. It's not the figure that matters, it's all about what I have recorder, what I have shared, how I have responded or even reacted and how I grew. On March 31th it will be three years since I created this blog. It's not a feat, not any form of achievement that I should be proud of; it's just a number that pleases me - it also shows how alhamdulillah everybody is different; how I am different; how we all are unique - alhamdulillah.

It's 5:15 am now. I had a heavy dinner but realizing there were chicken franks in the freezer made me hungry so, I had one a few minutes back. I woke up very late in the afternoon and around 6:30 pm I asked my friend "where's the party tonight?". He has a night shift today so I knew whatever I plan with my other friends he wouldn't be there. Around 9 pm I had to decide what to do for the night, I started cooking, decided against watching the movie we were initially planning, had dinner at 10:30 pm and left for a restaurant to have hookah.

I had been thinking about having hookah for a long time - it was back in summer of 2008 when I had had it in India. My room-mate friends too were keen and we took along. After returning home around 1:25 am it struck to me that a trip to Wal-mart was due. My friend discussed with me how incredible it is to go out for shopping at 2:30 am in the morning and how his friends in Tanzania would be amused if he told them about it. Having a Wal-mart nearby is so convenient; not to forget the Tom Thumb and Super Target. Having a mosque nearby could have been awesome.

Yesterday early morning too the same person sent me a text saying "hey". At the end of a few conversations I reminded her something: "I told you I don't make friends this way" and there was nothing from her side after that. I thought she had finally found me rude enough and wouldn't get to me again. Around 1:45 pm I received a text from her "wow". I didn't reply. She didn't try to reach me till now and I hope she doesn't. I don't know who she is, I don't want to know who she is and I don't want to be more rude. If somebody knows me, I would be glad to talk and be the best of the person I could possibly be; but I don't like anything like this. Though I never tried hard to make friends anytime, I have the best of people as my friends and the count is very large Alhamdulillah - I value them all; and I keep making good friends continually.

My contact with my friends in India has come to an all time low. I remember buying a TV video game in 8th standard which I didn't like and cried because I had wasted so much money given to me as a gift from my mother. Even since then whenever I spent any significant amount of money I always gave second thoughts and serious evaluations. I can't forget that bitter night I cried telling my parents how I was not satisfied spending those two thousand Rupees on that console. Even today I agree I shouldn't have bought that. But if I had not, I would have made several wrong decisions in the rest of my time till today and in the coming days too. I had learnt something that night - the hard way. I was too young then. Having some people talking to us daily could be so mesmerizing. I talk to my parents daily alhamdulillah. Some people are still missing.

White Light

2009-03-18T03:07:00.003-05:00

Grown-ups love figures. When you tell them that you have made a new friend, they never ask you any questions about essential matters. They never say to you, "What does his voice sound like? What games does he love best? Does he collect butterflies?" Instead, they demand: "How old is he? How many brothers has he? How much does he weigh? How much money does his father make?" Only from these figures do they think they have learned anything about him.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince, 1943, translated from French

A few weeks back one of my room-mate friend dropped my glass cup by mistake and it broke. It was the only one left out of the six we had in my home back in India - it was more than just a cup for me. I thought it would hurt when it broke. But alhamdulillah this friend meant more to me than that cup. Ever since he joined me as my room-mate I have started enjoying my life. He became a close friend of mine, somebody I can talk a lot to and a person I can trust. I never knew I was going to meet somebody like him. I meet many people alhamdulillah who make me feel that.

I got a text message a while ago asking "text me back". I was convinced it was somebody who was mistaking me for somebody else but I asked back if I know who it was trying to talk to me. The person gave a girl's name and responded as if I know who she is. She said she found my number on MySpace for which I replied "I don't use it". I just didn't want to hurt her by being rude telling her she was wasting my time. But I did exactly that in the end.

I thought I could be polite by at least proving it to her that I am not who she was thinking me to be and so, I said she can give me her e-mail ID so that I could let her know me on Facebook. She said she doesn't use Facebook for which I said I don't use MySpace and that she was wasting my time and her time too. As a courtesy I said "goodnight". And she replied "I thought I saw a cute boy that would talk to me...". I responded "sorry about that! But I don't make friends this way".

I finally slept for more than five hours yesterday - it went upto 7 I guess but it was very disturbed. In the morning I wanted to meet my aunt and cousins who were visiting Dallas but i couldn't. It didn't make me happy. It was a tiring day with many things to see - I am not sure if what I am learning is something I am really supposed to learn. But I am satisfied alhamdulillah. I am better than many, many people here and else where.

Among the best of people I met here is my father's friend. Alongside my aunt from Houston, a cousin and an uncle here, he is the one who caused a lot of difference to my living. Everytime I talk to him, everytime I see him and hear from him I know I am safe here alhamdulillah. I remember the first time I met him - he was just like many of my father's friends who are very sweet, I came to know he was my father's brothers' friend too, I was told he lives in Arlington and the best thing I remembered is he invited me to visit him. Later I came to know he lives in Dallas and I used to wonder if I would be able to meet him because I was going to come stay in Richardson. He doesn't live in Dallas; I don't live in Richardson; I live in Dallas; my university is in Richardson; he doesn't live in Arlington either; he lives in Bedford.

Too Rich Or Too Poor

2009-03-14T05:45:00.002-05:00

I have died so little today, friend, forgive me.
- Thomas Lux

I badly want to write though little do I know what to; that's insignificant. I spent almost the whole day in the group-study room of the library. Thrice I stood at the glass wall overlooking a construction site wondering what's going wrong. Wondering doesn't help much; thinking might but actions always do. Some places seem as if they have been a part of my life for a long, some people give that impression too and some just seem to say "you are weird, too sticky; better stay away". Alhamdulillah places don't speak. Logic and the need for love don't go well together.

I had to submit a 'take-home' midterm test on Friday before 7 pm. I had 26 hours of time to answer 5 questions. I remember studying the DES and the Triple - DES algorithm back in engineering; one of the questions expected me to write an algorithm to attack a variant of DES called MV DESX and recover the keys. The approach I adopted was 'meet-in-the-middle attack'. I am not sure what the professor expects but I was glad I could come up with the technique. I slept only 2 hours the other night, 3 hours on Friday evening and it's 6:06 am now. I need to retire at the earliest.

All of the 24 hours in a day seem to be different. It's different when I talk to my room mates, it's something when I talk to parents, it's something else when I talk to friends and the rest of the time is disturbing. I need to be doing something that either keeps my mind busy not letting it think a few things or just something that reduces the sense of feeling. I don't miss home much now, I talk to my parents daily alhamdulillah, I am used to the new place, I like the people here, I have a sense of belonging, I have many things I can do and enjoy; I just can't think of a single person I can call up whenever I feel the excruciating need to talk, share and show love to; peace is absent.

A Notebook Worth 22 Years

2009-03-11T05:39:00.000-05:00

Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold.
- Zelda Fitzgerald

I always hated going to school back in India. I remember rejoicing even very small changes in routine whenever they happened - not going to home after school some times and instead to my father's shop which he used to run many years back, to some relative's house or for shopping. I would wait all through the week, counting days, for Saturday to come so that I could go to my grandparent's house. It was an almost same routine for 12 long years. There were financial constraints, things I had to enjoy only by looking at them and dream. I am happy those days are over. I remember something very important my mother wanted me to learn: "never spread your legs beyond the limits of your blanket".

Once in a blue-moon my father used to pick me up from school. I waited for such days. The days seemed too long. After a painful wait, I used to run after the class to the parking lot searching for my father. I always knew where he was going to park his scooter. And from distance I would see him and forget the whole world. I used to try controlling my lips but they smiled uncaring the moment I saw him. He used to have his dark glasses on and I could smell the sweet scent of his aftershave 'Old Spice' the moment I went close to him. He would then take me to his shop and back home late in the evening. The same lousy, heartbreaking and tiresome routine would continue from the following day.

The hope of a better future kept motivating me. I somehow knew everything I wanted was going to come someday. I still can't believe how important every single Rupee was to me just a decade back. Using Dollars seemed strange initially; I was converting them into Rupees before buying even bananas. It's different now alhamdulillah. I, now have finally come to understand what's expensive and what's worth the stuff I am buying. Everywhere we go, wisdom is in adjusting to things we cannot change and changing things that must be changed. I am learning where to cut and where to set it loose. Loving includes knowing when to hold on and when to let it go.

Monday I slept at 7 am and got out of bed at 5 pm though had an alarm on my phone for 2 pm initially which kept getting added by an hour twice. Tuesday I slept at almost 8 am and woke up at 4 pm. I had to attend a class at 5:30 pm. There are days I go with less than five hours of sleep. Then there are days I take 10 to 12 hours for the indulgence. The only times I am bothered is when I am not able to do what I am supposed to do and what I want to do. I am not the only one here living this way. I at least have a few days I sleep only for five hours. I know many who indulge even more all through the week. It's 5:05 am right now and two of my room mates are awake.

I don't like the English I am using while writing blog-posts these days. Though I have no problem in expressing what exactly I intend to, it's way to simple. Though I have used some vocabulary in the past even I don't understand now, I believe having a good vocabulary means being able to make the other person understand precisely what you intend to let her know. But even then, I am being too simple and I don't like it. But I guess it shouldn't matter if I remember the premise of my blog. I love the school I am going to now.

Very False Ceiling

2009-03-09T03:42:00.002-05:00

Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.
- The Wonder Years

There were two different days in succession. I realized there are some mistakes we just can't do anything about until we commit them. I draw a horizontal line in the middle when I write '7' but people here don't. It's a thing I chose and Americans didn't. I appreciate and respect that. I was just not told about it by anybody. That was one of the two things that went wrong. I am going to talk to my father's friend tomorrow. I know it's only he after Allah who can make me feel better about it. It doesn't make much difference to anybody but me. I can't bear to see myself making mistakes.

There are so many different kinds of people in this world. Back in India we had this concept of "Unity In Diversity". America is more diverse, there are more kind of different people here, there are people not just from different countries but also different races and there are so many ideals to follow. I think here we can say something like "Diversity and Federal Law". There are several worlds out here living their own lives not interfering with others yet remain peaceful. I am among few new who are mixing up a little. Many of my Indian acquaintances living in the University campus hardly interact with people from other countries. They isolate themselves thinking it's important for their safety.

Some weeks back I went into a debate with an old friend over an article I posted on Facebook. It was getting dirty. I referred it to a cousin and she said it's better we don't go beyond a point and I left it. This friend sent me an e-mail a few days later and said we can still talk on that on an intellectual level. I was glad; I thought I could be more subjective over e-mails. I replied in the softest tone possible. I was expecting a reply in a similar tone. I just didn't feel like reading it after the first paragraph. I won't reply to it; I am not even going to read it. My cousin was right - in matters of religion, people don't respond well when you talk logically.

Somebody Else's Dream

2009-03-08T04:56:00.003-05:00

"Pooh," said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain."
"I know," said Pooh humbly.”
- Winnie the Pooh, A. A. Milne

Some times it's just a greeting with a smile that can change the rest of the day. Obviously smiles are said to spread happiness and all that that comes attached with smiles is proclaimed in well-known proverbs and sayings, but some smiles are different - they carry themselves to the future, show new doors and simply mesmerise. If I get to read today's post, say, a decade from now, I am sure just the first two lines are enough to remind me of how I enjoyed a few minutes of my life today and how the rest of my time was blessed. I hope and pray to Allah that it's a start of something that would last forever.

An hour was added to all clocks today. It didn't surprise me like how it happened last November. I am yet to correct my wrist watches. I just lost an hour which means I get an hour less to sleep. I have lots of sleep in my eyes but I am simply in love with reality that I don't want to go to bed. But I know once I am there it's going to get tough to wake up again. Alhamdulillah I don't find anything I need to complain about to Allah. I just pray to Allah that I remain blessed the way I have been since I was born. Though there have been some grave losses, some irreparable damages done and a thing I shouldn't have ever said, there is nothing I would like to change in my past. Allah created reality and I love it. SubhanAllah.

I have stopped keeping track of so many things. Priorities clearly stand out of everything I want to do and have been dreaming of doing. Happiness is definitely made in those very small instances of time. It's better to loose the will and desire to do a few things than to do them and repent later. There are so many things in my life alhamdulillah that make me say "yes, a thing of beauty is a joy forever". Things have been changing fast and I have been appreciating every bit of it. I come to a point now from where I really have no idea what's going to come next. I like this expanse of time. But I know it will change again. I am after bigger things. Smiles make a lot of difference to me. Alhamdulillah.

Saturday's

2009-03-07T01:54:00.005-06:00

It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses.
- Colette

A tree fell on my room mate's car Friday morning. Loud continuous knocks on the door woke me up at 10:15 am. It was some maintenance guy who asked me if the blue car standing outside hidden by the tree was mine. As a general understanding that bad things don't usually happen to us - though of course Allah decides - I told him it wasn't mine. But still I gave a casual look from the balcony. I ran back inside and woke my friend up. We both ran out to check out. His insurance company said his car is covered only for liability and the apartment's insurance company said they don't cover damages due to acts of nature. Though alhamdulillah the damage was very less when it could have been severe, it's something that left a bad memory. We decided we would park our cars away from trees; always inshAllah.

Thursday after visiting the career expo this same friend asked me if I was in a mood to play pool. I am always in mood for that. We played table tennis for almost an hour. It doesn't happen always that we all four room mates meet at one place at one time. I enjoy it every time I get a chance to spend time with them. A couple of hours back we were watching comedy scenes from some Hindi movie and enjoying them. Our new room mate from Tanzania keep us entertained. I am glad I am not like other people here living in their cocoons, seeing the same places everyday and doing the same things every night. Alhamdulillah it's so wonderful. I am in love with everything Allah has blessed me with.

For those who look at their life the way Allah wants them to, there are always many things to enjoy and cherish right at the place they are in. No matter how far we live from out parents, no matter how much we miss people, there is always something to enjoy today which won't be there tomorrow. I remember talking to my parents about this once - if we want to have something, if Allah has made it Halaal for us and if we can afford it, it becomes mandatory for us to obtain it. When Allah blesses us with something, He wants us to use it. My heart just keeps overflowing with nobody to take it.

March 6th

2009-03-06T00:47:00.003-06:00

I always wondered, when a butterfly leaves the safety of its cocoon, does it realize how beautiful it has become? Or does it still just see itself as a caterpillar?"
- The Air I Breathe (2007)

It's not that I can't write a few paragraphs daily. There was a time when I was writing every day for several months in succession. Two out of five times I start writing I start with seeing myself trying to kill the feeling of being poetic in my words. It's not the outcome that I am afraid of. It's simply not a pleasant thing to be writing a poem for what all goes through as a thought process is unpleasant. Not writing an impressive poem is just about another thing. And it's not that smooth to have something in mind and give something else in words. It's not faking; it beats the purpose of archiving thoughts.

In the past week I worked for almost 44 hours in total. It's manageable alhamdulillah. Though Google Maps says it takes 32 minutes for one-way journey I mostly manage it in under 30 minutes. The speed limit on the freeway I use is 60 miles but keeping in tune with the traffic flow pushes it beyond 65. Usually on my return journey I take 70 and stay alert looking for flickering blue and white lights. They always increase my heartbeat. Though I have perfect documents, insurance and license alhamdulillah, I prefer staying away from cops. But when I am not driving, the sight of a police man makes me feel safer.

It feels awesome when I press the gas on the v6 engine. The sound it makes, the acceleration it gives and the happiness it gives is mesmerising. It was so different when I used to drive on a v2 back in India. Even the v4 I had for a few days never gave so much fascination. Of course there are several cars on the roads with v8 in them; I don't think much about them. There will be time for many other things inshAllah. I remember my friend used to tease me telling I miss the adventure of riding bikes. When he gets to drive something like this inshAllah he will know what he has been missing. I see sport bikes here, I love the sound they make and the speed they travel at but I never think of riding them. My cousin had one and he once asked me to take a try. I said I never learned to ride bikes.

My brother went against my parent's directions that we shouldn't ride two-wheelers. Even as my mother kept asking him to keep away from them he continued and tried almost every kind of bike available on Hyderabad's roads. Yesterday alhamdulillah he got a brand new bike as a birthday gift from my mother. I am more excited than I was when I bought a car here. Though I am worried about the traffic in Hyderabad and my brother's safety and also the fact that my parents themselves went ahead with something they had always kept me away from, I am glad my brother owns a bike now. It's his birthday today. He is 18.

We had a career expo today at the university having 93 companies visiting. All of them were looking for students and alumni to fill co-op and internship positions. A small number of them were willing to take students with F1 status. I reached the place with my room-mate friend 30 minutes before closing. Then most important thing I needed was the list of all companies with the details of the vacant positions they had so that I can apply for them online. I dresses up fully formal and felt like myself again after so many days. The American lady at the check-in desk complimented at my shirt even while I have a messy looking beard and long hair like I have never kept before . Alhamdulillah I had so many wonderful looking shirts but hardly would I get any compliments in India. Strangers at times are sweet. Here, giving compliments is never flirting even if the other person is a complete stranger.

Once Upon A Time In Dallas

2009-03-04T03:12:00.005-06:00

There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.
- Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

I guess it was more that 10 years back at my aunt's house's lawn I was standing with my father when he said to me that I should always consider him my friend. A few years back he told me he would never leave me. Alhamdulillah I get to talk to him daily. I talk to my mother when the night start and before going to bed it's my father. I avoid talking to both of them at once. If I do that then I won't have the chance to talk to any of them again until the next day arrives. I mostly prefer enjoying luxuries slow.

Yesterday, just after a test I had, my room mate picked me up at 9 pm outside the ECS building. A few minutes later we were four people watching 'Unborn' at a theatre in Plano. We followed it with a dinner at IHOP. Earlier in the day I had lists of things ready to be finished in the coming 48 hours. Alhamdulillah I am done with them all - there were lease papers to be taken care of, bills to be paid online, a test to be taken, an assignment to be submitted and some commitments to be delivered. I could list out hour by hour detail on my last five days and wonder how I could do all that. But when I stare at the bottom line perhaps the only thing to cherish is Allah helping me all through.

Though I comb my hair at least once daily but I got to see my face in the mirror today. My hair have grown up beyond being called accepted and my beard seem to have taken over my complexion. The moment I realized about them I ended up saying "oh!". I remember saying "oh!" when I calculated the number of kilometers I drove on Saturday early morning. I said "oh!" when I checked out the cost of a Dollar in Rupees. I said "oh!" when I realized how long it has been since I have had any form of conversation with any friend from India.

Though

2009-02-23T02:39:00.003-06:00

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
- Kahlil Gibran

I am sure it was at least 6 am when I fell asleep on Saturday. A call woke me up even before 8 am making me busy four hours ahead of my plans. I returned home late after 8 pm seeing heavy traffic on a freeway for the first time alone. I slept again after 4 am with a short nap in between. 8:40 am I was up and I am yet to get to sleeping. It's 3:15 am already. Just a few days back I was sleeping for more than 10 hours a day. Both ways work good for me alhamdulillah.

I got to talk to three of my friends today - all online. Perhaps I started writing today's post just to record this. I badly need to go to bed but I am not satisfied with the amount I have thought till now and not done with so much I need to think.

My father's friend returned from Hyderabad Friday after a week long trip. This was his first visit to India this year. I started feeling safe again the moment he called me to say he was back. I met him yesterday and told him how insecure I feel when he is not here. Not that I call him frequently for everything, not that there is nobody else in Dallas I can call if I need anything - there are many people alhamdulillah, but perhaps just because he is a good friend of my father and also like a friend of mine that I feel the security. And I guess his presence makes it a little more easy for me to stay away from my parents.

The Life Writing

2009-02-20T03:04:00.002-06:00

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for Friday night or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.
- Dr. Seuss

There were a host of things I wanted to write in the last post itself but I felt I would loose the flow I was into then. It obvious most of the time I don't like doing things that change my mood unless it be for necessity. Today I have been trying to set myself up on this page but the willingness to share things isn't gaining weight. Thinking of course is not that so impossible, but thinking on something I don't find humble enough to be pinned up is rather a gamble. The stakes are high that I would mess up presenting a picture I would otherwise never. Doing something is always risky. One must do nothing and say nothing to avoid criticism. For the second time I end up having something I think I can't share with anybody.

I slept for voluminous number of hours yesterday I am ashamed to reveal. My room mates know it, they understand it and one of them does it too so I have got some company. After I woke up I had 30 minutes to get ready and catch the bus to the college. I didn't buy a parking tag for my car to save $48. But I guess inshAllah I will make the deal soon - it's always nice to be free from thinking and planning with bus timings guiding our plans. But we don't get to have such options everwhere. We are forced to accept others' preferences, console our hearts and respect boundaries. It's not so easy always. I just want to be sure I am doing the right things.

I cooked khichidi and tamatey ki chutney yesterday. I was surprised how well they tasted. I used canned tomatoes. I was worried they won't get cooked easily or they would taste too sweet but alhamdulillah a few drops of lemon juice made them taste wonderful. Today after the two evening classes I called up my room mate friend to tell him how hungry I was. By the time I reached home he had kept a pizza ready for me. We get these pizzas from Wal-mart for $1.25 each. They just need 13 minutes in the oven at 400F to taste awesome. I wish we could control few more things this way. But as always Allah will decide for us. He is the best One to do that.

Eleven Minutes

2009-02-18T00:52:00.002-06:00

When she opened her eyes, Veronika did not think 'this must be heaven'. Heaven would never use a fluorescent tube to light a room, and the pain - which started a fraction of a second later - was typical of the Earth. Ah, that Earth pain - unique, unmistakable.
- Veronika Decides To Die, 1998, Paulo Coelho

We behaved like we were drunk while cooking dinner. We had several reasons to laugh - all created out using wit and humour. One of my room mates has things to share from Mumbai, the other has things from Pakistan and I have from Hyderabad. We always pity chicken whenever we cook it. Sheep and cows get to spend some time in the meadows, idle around for a while, see some blue skys, behave like drunk and see this world. Poor chicken never get to experience any of these - half of them are either fried or boiled before they enter this world and the other half only to get slaughtered. We had a full uncut frozen chicken in our freezer asking for its rights to be cooked and eaten. We let it have it for free today.

I set out for the university at 9 am on Monday. I had an assignment to submit before 4 pm and a test at 5:30 pm. I knew it was going to be a long day for me. What I didn't know appeared when I sat with two friends at the fourth level of the McDermott library overlooking a construction site with the mirrors of Student Union complex showing signs of dirt reflecting the construction activity. I wonder why the group-study room in the library is always colder than the other areas. It makes a lot of things difficult. Nevertheless I like that place a lot more than the other lobbies and study areas. It was something else today.

We had seven questions to answer and my two friends were there working on it since 30 minutes before I joined them. I opened my laptop, entered the password and stared at the right corner of the screen seeing how fast WiFi connects me to the network. I wanted to think more about the test I had in the evening and the assignment I had to submit in the late afternoon. They didn't seemed important - I have submitted so many assignments in the past and appeared for so many tests - it was not my over-confidence though. It was something else; at least today.

The chicken wanted to move out of its tightly sealed package. We had curd, pasta sauce, curry leaves, cilantro leaves and a lot many ingredients including onions asking for their rights' fulfilment. We awarded them everything for dinner. The other day we even awarded the frozen mutton's right to get cooked and eaten in the form of sumptuous, delicious biryani. It took us four hours to assure those rights. It was a worthy ride through so many procedures that included skills with grinding, frying, mixing, timing and most importantly, patience. Alhamdulillah. There is so much to enjoy in this world given to us by Allah yet so few people willing to enjoy it.

I kept my eyes open at the library, opened all the PDF files I had to read, hoped they would help me, looked at what my friends had done till then and tried to put my focus on the seven questions. I was simply not meant to put strain on my mind this morning. The brute force I had depended on had altered my track of thought. Whatever world I had been living in seemed empty once again. What I did clearly knew that it was time to plan. I had waited 11 months for a day to come, it came and it went away. That is obviously what I was waiting for. I did submit my assignment - a good 13 minutes before the deadline.

We had some proofs to write in the course Introduction to Cryptography - all using the concepts of probability. I was well aware I would have to study a lot of math in this course but I had no idea about the kind of math - I was expecting calculus; nothing like probability I prefer staying away from. I like things I can understand; things that others can understand; so that at least I can count on somebody to teach them to me. It's the knowledge that I can't conceive of something and nobody can help me with it that battles my peace. I also understand others' inability to understand either. Alhamdulillah the evening's test went very well.

Late yesterday night and early morning I tried to speak to as many people I could. I just wanted to. I called my cousin but she didn't receive the call all three times. I had assumed she had gone to some party. Today she told me she went to bed early. I don't get disheartened when she is busy or not available to receive my calls - it's like everything when I hear her recorded voice at her voice message box. I didn't call any of my friends but two; I wanted not to get disturbed from my dreams. Those who are a part of our dreams never disturb us. That which is a part of our dreams never disturbs us. What bothers is that which brings an unwanted change. I was shivering sitting in the McDermott library - not becasue of the cold AC, but because of something I had in me.

By Examples

2009-02-11T10:59:00.004-06:00

Someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of human beings.
- Miles Franklin

I had been sleeping for nine hours daily so had to force myself to wake up three hours short today. It was easy because it was necessary. Lately it had become as difficult for me to wake up as it is difficult to get to sleeping. I go to bed most of the times with something to think about before I end up realizing that one night would not be enough for it. After my breakfast I have to go to the bank and later attend a seminar at 2 pm in the university. There are no classes scheduled for Wednesdays. I still wish I could take a nap for an hour more!

I have a test and an assignment submission coming up for next week. The test seems to be manageable but the assignment scares me with a lot of math in it. The test's in Software Project Planning and Management and the assignment is for Introduction To Cryptography. I knew cryptography would have a lot of math in it but I had no idea about the complexity. It's all in probability which I have always disliked. InshAllah I will manage. We are going to have a test in it inshAllah early next month and it's 'take-home' with very little time to work on. InshAllah I will have have to manage.

It was humid yesterday alongside some rain during daytime. It poured down at night and now it's sunny and cold. It's going to stay bright all day but temperature won't differ much. Weather here teaches change can be more than just constant. It's going to be terribly humid all through summer. The second I felt humidity yesterday, it reminded me of the days when I was new in Dallas and was living with my uncle. It's different world - one with a family around, the other with only some friends and the Internet.

Unquote

2009-02-05T03:23:00.002-06:00

Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.
- Swedish Proverb

Today's drive reminded me of 9th of August, 2008 when it was 5 am and I was driving home alone. It was raining, it had rained incessantly for 4 days, all streets were clogged with water and it was the worst condition ever I had driven in. That was just after my cousin's wedding which was followed by some fun at his house. My parents and brother wanted to leave early so, I had dropped them home a lot earlier. Today it was smoother alhamdulillah. The roads were clear and 60 miles per hour seemed very less. The speed hardly shows unless there are turns on the freeways or when I open the window. Driving here is a lot different. There are too many rules and sign-boards always to look for.

I knew alhamdulillah another big change was expected in a very short time. I was praying for it. I guess from now even change will appear like routine. I always mock at those words from Spiderman: "with great power comes great responsibility". I like that converse: "with great responsibility comes great power". It's satisfying when we take care of our responsibility first and then exploit the power. As for Spiderman itself, it's fiction. I wonder why a few times today I felt my brain not working.

The food was ready when I reached home. One of my room mates had left for his night shift and the other had already crashed out - he leaves around 8 am daily. It's daal and plain rice. I have already had two cans of soda since afternoon so I will avoid any more of it with my meal. It's easy to get used to having at least a little of some drink with every meal. Dinner looks incomplete without it. Another point that amused me here was what we called 'soft drinks' in India is 'soda' here. Dr. Peppers is the one to give thumbs up.

Flower

2009-02-03T14:51:00.002-06:00

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.
- Errol Flynn

I have nothing to write except for a craving to write. I woke up late today which is a lot like what I do when I have nothing planned for the mornings. I am yet to finish eating the bowl of cereal I started a while ago - perhaps it's more than 35 minutes since I started with it. Once I am done with three paragraphs, the urge to write and the bowl I will get a shower and spend some time with studying. Most of the studying part which I have done in the past few days has been limited to the class room. In yesterday's class we were asked to create models for Semantic Web using RDF/XML, N-TRIPLE and Statements - at least this is how I perceived this second lab assignment which we did in the class and got graded. A classmate helped me with some programming part but he added he doesn't know what it was about.

The only downside of my laptop which bothers me is its low battery life. It hardly goes on for an hour and a half. This class of Semantic Web on Mondays starts at 7 pm and stretches till 9:45 pm though the professor has been letting us go earlier than that. It gets painful trying to conserve battery life by reducing the screen's brightness and making the processor sleep everytime the use of the computer seems not so important. All auditoriums in the Engineering and Computer Science complex have seating arrangements with power sockets for each of the audience but classes don't have that facility. To make things worse this class of Semantic Web is held for more than 80 students. The professor is classy!

Handling money here is not as simple as how it was back in India. It takes some time every few days to check my statements online, pay bills, keep track of all payments and finally do the math to decide who is going to pay how much. Perhaps I can't compare this to things in India - back there it was my parents doing the accounts and me taking care only of my money which was relatively in small amounts. Here I am responsible for all money sent to me by my parents and voluntarily I have taken up the responsibility of all the bills' collections of my apartment. For this month inshAllah today evening I will have to spend around an hour to settle all accounts with my room mates. There is a bunch of bills filed in the closet all of them payed by me. I am yet to learn a lot about taxes and credit here.

And Then...

2009-02-03T01:35:00.005-06:00

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' remarked Alice.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat, 'we're all mad here. You're mad.'
'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'
- Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Gone are the days when I used to start typing, go on for paragraphs after paragraphs and still have so much to share. Now, I need to be diplomatic, choose my words carefully and be sure of who might end up reading them. I always wanted to write for myself but that has hardly been the case. I end up having at least one person in my mind most of the times when I write. I would think words came natural to me. At least that isn't the case anymore. And no more do I ask anybody personally to read any of my blogs; apparently I even avoid talking about it. There are occasions I wish I could go back and delete some very old posts. But I need to stand up for them; not that I regret anything, I just don't like them.

It always gives me a feeling of being protected when I talk to my father's friend who lives here in Dallas. Alhamdulillah these days I get to meet and talk to him more frequently. Knowing that he is there for me gives warmth. I had met him for the first time a couple of years back at an uncle's place. He has been my father's and uncles' friend since their childhood. A year back when my father told him I was planning to study in America, he had asked me to meet him in Dallas. That day, I still remember, I wondered if I would really meet him or, I even thought, why he was telling me that. Today I know he is one of my closest people here and a person I look up to. He has been living in America for more than 31 years now.

Just around last year I had not even a bit of imagination of how things were going to be after a year. There were few things that mattered to me and I was worried about getting admits from good universities and a visa. I had not even imagined who I would be staying with, who all I would meet and spend my time with, who would become so dear to me and who would start making a difference to my life. I have made tens of friends here, got close to many distant relatives and made some of them a priority. It's been said we don't learn much unless we travel a lot. I just want this to be a start. I have many more people to meet, lots more to learn and a few things to forget.

Necessity

2009-02-01T02:26:00.003-06:00

All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.
- Leo Tolstoy

We got all white lights in our living room today. We had soft white since we replaced the lamps provided to us when we moved in. Today we went to two desi stores, to Super Target and twice to Wal-mart. We even went to drop some luggage to one of my roommate's new apartment inside the campus. He will leave us tomorrow and by the end of February another guy who's already my friend will join us. The guy who joined us recently is from Mumbai. My third roommate is Pakistani. We are all already like best friends. They are my friends first and then comes the fact about apartment sharing. Life seems to change everyday. I have always seen changes with my parents, brother and friends from Hyderabad. They ceased to be with me since the day I left them. I don't have them with me now.

We were five guys today for dinner. I wasn't cooking today - I don't know why I didn't cook; we never have turns for that; we cook when we feel like; we have a tendency to feel that daily; alhamdulillah. When the cooking started, I began online talk with my mother followed by my father and ending with my brother. Later I had two of my most beautiful friends with me online. I wished we could stay; I have physical constraints on me one of them being sleep. It's more than five months I reached here. For the last one month I have been trying to understand something very important. It's so good I gave words to some people. Understanding is hindered for I need to keep those words. It is good.

The curry for dinner today was dominated by pieces of chicken and potatoes with tomatoes giving a humble backdrop. A cup of Pepsi following it made my mouth sweet. There are obviously sweeter things I always thank Allah for nevertheless. I don't break my words beacuse I can't take any guilt. I have always been a good friend; at least tried to be. I am not even sure I can bear to see the otherwise of it happening. But of course I will be here not getting anything to see. It feels neat and soothing most of the time when I tell myself I will leave everything to Allah. But then days like today come and in an instance everything seems going so hazy again.

A Chronology In Randomness

2009-01-28T18:59:00.000-06:00

You can't help respecting anybody who can spell TUESDAY, even if he doesn't spell it right; but spelling isn't everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn't count.
- Winnie the Pooh, A. A. Milne

Most of the cars in the lot are still fully sealed in a thick hard layer of ice. The leaves on the hedges shine when the bright sun looks at them but the crystal ice refuses to melt. Until a couple of hours back most of the leaves were frozen with coverings of solid ice on them. The harshness seemed to be reducing a bit then again the sun is about to set now. The present temperature is 4 degrees but it's going to fall back to freezing again in a couple of hours. It was around -9 degrees in the morning. University closed yesterday at 3 pm and will open only on Thursday now. There was some good freezing rain in the night and I hoped to see some snow. It didn't happened. It's just ice outside; no snow.

I had to recollect what all I missed since the last time I blogged. The difficult part was to decide what to stick here, what to delay and what to forget. Not much can be easily forgotten and there is not enough wisdom in me to guess what could end up being mistakes. All I have had always is hope; whether it's right or wrong. I have found wonderful friends in both my present room mates else my time here would have been bland and sore. Memories of back home still haunt me in form of dreams. When I wake up I am reminded where I am. It always takes a couple of seconds to get back to reality. I am yet to refuse I am glad I am here. I will never.

I thought my time at engineering went like a whisker. After almost two weeks a friend from Hyderabad called me only to remind me how beautiful my life is. She told me so much about her husband, so much about how happy she is alhamdulillah and how beautiful it is to be married. I remember telling her a bunch of things but all I remember now is I told her how I feel I never spent any time with any of my friends there. On the contrary there were weeks and months I was with them yet it all seems to be insignificantly small. I am not sad those days are over leaving me asking for more. I pray I get more in my time ahead inshAllah.

To come to think of it I recently realized a new dream. The bliss that seems all sinful got me to feel guilty about it - just because I felt that. I went half way to share it with a buddy but took a fast retreat. Some voices never fade, some faces don't stay, some people can't remain and love always denies them. It's the same thing over and over again asking for the same end. Back in the drawingroom in my home in Hyderabad there stands an antique showcase at least 80 years in age. It houses many more antiques inside it belonging to my maternal and paternal grandparents. But there's a sea shell my grandfather had given me some years ago which is not an antique. It has words engraved on it. They say "forget me not". I remember the last time I stood beside my grandfather's grave and could feel nothing but cried later after I reached home.

InshAllah now I will be able to visit the nearby Masjid frequently. It's in the city of Plano almost 7 miles from my apartment. Being independent here makes a lot of difference to social life and other possible activities. InshAllah I will also be attending conventions and other Islamic programs here in the coming days. I just can't thank Allah enough for making me free from public transport here. InshAllah in a day I will return the Accord I am using and get a Civic for myself. My parents are paying for it of course. I know someday inshAllah I will repay them for everything they do for me.

Canned

2009-01-15T02:31:00.003-06:00

The excesses of love soon pass, but its insufficiencies torment us forever.
- Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

The moment I entered the second class of the day on Tuesday I could feel myself inferior. There were all these people who seemed to be there a lot before time, waiting seriously for the class as if it was going to be something like a very formal workshop or a seminar or something and all of them appeared elder to me. Being my habit of sitting in the front row in every class, I silently moved myself onto the fourth chair in the front. I knew once again I was going to face a lot of competition for grades in this class, that I will have my team mates who would be elder to me and I have to put in a lot to get an A. I have this class again on Thursday at 5:30 pm. I have a three-days a week schedule. This particular class is for Software Project Planning and Management.

I had my dinner very late. We went to a movie in the evening around 9:40 pm. It was "Religulous". I felt so great for having parents who taught me about Islam so well that no amount of illogical talk assumed as logical can deviate me. The movie was a documentary trying to disprove Christianity, Judaism and Islam as logical. Alhamdulillah my faith just got added up. It's necessary that we learn how to answer people when they ask us about our religion. Just because the Muslim guys who were interviewed in the movie didn't know how to answer well, the director succeeds in making a mockery of Islam. Any halfwit or a person with weak faith would fall into such arguments and buy them.

There is a millions of dollars worth beautification project for my university going on currently. They are even going to build a park worth $20,000 for dogs. They seem to be spending a lot on everything except for students. There are hardly any scholarships, fee waivers or aids. With very few jobs available on-campus we students get more dependent on our parents. Somehow alhamdulillah things are fine with me. I know many students have problems here paying for their fee. They even transfer to other universities. I know it's worth studying here. It's good alhamdulillah.

The American Screw

2009-01-12T02:09:00.004-06:00

Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end; then stop.
- Lewis Carrol, Alice in Wonderland

As I sat down at the table for a while I felt I had never been out of this place. Slowly the reality began to move up through the threads to the head to bang it hard and press the sharpness down. I am fine now but somehow couldn't figure out what happened. I suppose it was around 9 pm when my uncle dropped me at my apartment. Some minutes later a friend called me and I left for Denton. My friend who arrived from India a couple of weeks back came to pick me up with his brother. We went to his university. He is going to stay there now. I suppose University of North Texas is about 35 miles from my place. I am not sure when we are going to meet again.

I wanted to call my father to talk to him but I realized I had wished him his birthday just around 10 pm. I thought of calling up my mother but I had spoke to her too on my way to Denton. I like Dallas more than Houston for I know more places here and the place I call home in America is here. But back there in Houston I had my people. I miss them now. I miss my parents. This just seems to have become a routine habit - miss a few people, get busy with something only to realize later that I was missing them. But it bleeds when I miss them. The head keeps getting banged harder with every memory moving in cycles and the sharpness getting more severe.

I saw the new schedule sometime back. My first class of this semester is at 7 pm. A professor from Washington DC will come over to UTD every Monday to teach us this course 'Semantic Web'. I had to take some elective, I wanted it to be something new and so I went for this one though I have little idea what it precisely is about. I have read some vague things about it and it sounded interesting. That's all I need to know to feel the need. I am not much into Computer Networks or Database Design though I would still go for one of these in the final two semesters as electives. The harder the head is banged, the deeper it goes. Someday it will break open this way.

As we left my friend at his university in Denton I recollected how I used to feel at the beginning of Fall when I was new here. He is new here now. I know he is going to think a lot, shed some tears, speak to himself, look in the mirror a few times but he will rise above the pain. That's what we all came here for. No success is achieved at the comfort of home. We all need to move out of comfort zones, let ourselves hurt, sacrifice and allow the groves to set in more firmly. The problem is with the head being hit so harder every few days. It's supposed to be driven in, not forced to cracks.

By the time we make this place our home the cracks gets filled but the head looses a lot of gloss. I haven't read much into what philosophy talks about religion but I do know something like abstractions are spoken about. Belief in God is said to be an abstraction, faith is called a high form of abstraction, love too at times is measured in abstracts like life and hope are. It's so soothing that Allah prescribes us straight forward rules which saves us from the pain of trying to find out what abstract which part of faith is or faith itself is. We have a set of rules and they take us to our end. Philosophy might help, prescription helps in concrete. Prescriptions fight cracks, smoothen the head and make the journey appropriate. Alhamdulillah.

Ledge

2009-01-11T00:27:00.003-06:00

Oh! She's nice, she's kind, innocent too. She's probably pretty, the right one for you. So just forget me: I'm only a friend. Though I'll be with you, until the end.
- Unknown

Waiting has always been so difficult. Waiting for the right time to come. Waiting for people to get convinced. Waiting to hear answers. Waiting with no control in my hands. It seems dumb at times. Irritating most of the time. Annoying always. It eats from inside. I had Lazania for the first time today. It was good alhamdulillah.

This would be my last post from Houston as for now. I have little or no idea when I am going to get here again. InshAllah by nightfall on Sunday I will be in Dallas. I cannot guess how I am going to feel once I am there. It's different worlds on both sides - family here and newly made friends there. I have began to love both of them though there are preferences depending on state of my needs and necessities that make me ask one of the two at varying times for varying lengths. The premise remains the same - satisfaction. If family never changes, I would love to be with it always. If friends don't change and never get replaced, I would give more preference to staying with them. But neither is possible. Future sometimes like past looks scary.

Never in my full senses did I ever hope that I move back even a day in my life. There were times when I wanted time to go pass very fast. Some occasions also saw me asking for a pause but I always knew I was being ridiculous. I always found it foolishness to believe that doing the same thing over and over again the same way would yield a different result. I tried to make things proceed in different ways to see if something works out favorably. Things happen only when Allah wants. Waiting in hope is self-defeating.

It's middle of the night here. Tomorrow I know it will be a different place and a different tempo but it's going to be the same me with the same things in my mind. Monday I will have my first class of Spring inshAllah. I will have so many people around me, asking me, telling me, smiling at me; all people I have met less than five months back. Though I never came here with expectations from people, alhamdulillah everything has turned out very well. Some thing always remained missing. Somehow I always knew Allah was going to punish me using this. Once I said about this to a friend but couldn't explain it.

We just can't walk away from anything we don't like because everywhere we go we take with us all the past we have and the hope of future we have dreamt. We all grow old, we stop dreaming, our dreams die away with time and one day we face the same end. Life starts with dreams - the dream to be the best, fastest, strongest, wealthiest. They all fade away showing us the same path. What comes and goes in between is said to matter the most. I don't understand how it can matter more when something as important as a dream has to die. From those who say my talk makes me seem like I live in a dream world to those who say they don't understand what I write... I am just waiting.

My Pink Camera

2009-01-05T17:11:00.002-06:00

We are each burdened with prejudice; against the poor or the rich, the smart or the slow, the gaunt or the obese. It is natural to develop prejudices. It is noble to rise above them.
- Author Unknown

My 13 year old cousin asked laughing why my digital was pink in color. I said when I went to buy it was the only model I liked which fit my budget and pink was the only color available. I got a bit uncomfortable just after finishing that. I had to add immediately add that I desperately wanted to buy a camera so didn't want to wait till other colors were available. But now, I don't feel like using my camera in front of everybody thinking somebody would laugh again. A guy having a pink camera sounds sissy and gay. Whenever I get a chance, I will send this camera to my parents in India. Colors are not much an issue there.

When I was shopping for clothes back in India and deciding which of the old ones I must take with me to America, many of my friends would tell me I should avoid clothes of colors like yellow, bright blue, green, red and pink. What I failed to realize is that these people had never been to America and what they talk is only about whatever half-knowledge they had. Just because I heeded to them I left so many of my favorite shirts back in Hyderabad. Here my aunt gifted me shirts which were yellow, green and red in color. My cousins say even pink will go fine. My friends from Hyderabad know nothing.

Accessories that are pink in color are what I need to avoid, not clothes. Perhaps things are a bit different up north in places like Chicago but here in Texas all colors are good for guys. I have been having so many waves of anger for a friend who used to continuously asked me to avoid these colors. He is still in Hyderabad and when he sees me wearing those colors in the pictures I send him he comments saying I should avoid them all. He sounds illogical. He has little awareness of how things are here. It irritates me. I have come to a new understanding about we Indians - most of us think we run the world.

I had never worn T shirts in India. When I bought them for here I was made fun of - we Indians have this 'resistance to change' syndrome within us. I bought sizes I thought fit me well. Here my aunt and cousins told me I need to wear loose sizes. And now when I do that, all Indians in my university look at me as if I have committed some big sin. Keeping hair small is what everybody prefers here unless there is some specific styling adopted. When I cut my hair small for the first time I had a host of questions to answer. I appreciate change as long as it doesn't go again what Allah allows us. We Indians have a tendency to stay deeply faithful with our culture no matter what Allah allows us to do.

The other day at a party my cousins and their friends were having a discussion on having Chicken from outside - chicken which is halaal but not zabiha. After some detailed contentions that were put forth and comments from scholars, most of whom say it's perfectly alright to eat this meat, somebody asked "so why do we make such a big deal about this?" and there was a Chinese friend who replied "desis make it a big deal". We Indians are like that. Though I am convinced I can eat Chicken anywhere outside, I don't eat it only because my father doesn't seem to be convinced. I am avoiding it for him and it's alright with me.

Sweeter

2009-01-04T02:15:00.004-06:00

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.
- Eden Ahbez

I passed my road test for driving license on Friday morning. I had to be at the DPS office before 7 am with my aunt who took me there. After waiting in the queue for a long time an African American lady took my test. She was very polite and ignored a couple of small errors I made. I had not come to a dead stop at one of the stop signs and didn't slow down enough at a right turn that had no lights controlling it. She did point out my mistakes and asked me to be careful. I thank Allah so much for all this and everything. I take my driving license as a big achievement I have made here in America.

Some times I end up having myself reminding to me that I am in America. It's looks so much like home frequently. And there are times I feel terribly sad and lonely. I feel like going back to my parents, spending a day with them and come back here. There are times when I talk to some of my friends I end up asking them if we could meet at least for a while and get back to our lives again after that. But all along when I think of such a thing I know I don't mean it. Even if that were possible, it's illogical. I just love them so much I can't resist doing this wishful thinking. I was so glad and happy when my friend who got married a few days back called me up. It was a little before 4 am when I was sleeping when she called. Though I could recognize her voice I asked her if it was her because I couldn't believe I was talking to her. It was great talking to her husband too. I thank Allah and pray they both find peace in both the worlds.

I returned from a barbecue party sometime back. It was at my second cousin's house here in Houston. The party was hosted by him and my first cousin. There were several of their common friends and though I was never a part of their conversations I enjoyed being with them, listening to them and learning from them about them. For the first time I ate something which doesn't come under the Zabiha bracket but was still Halaal. It was Kosher hot dogs. Alhamdullillah Allah has made everything so simple and easy for us that there are options to choose from in every context of life we get to live in. There were around 25 to 30 guys who attended the party and they included Indians, Pakistanis, Americans, Egyptians and other Arabs as well - all of them my cousins' friends. We had lots of fun.

Last week I attended a protest rally which stood in front of the Israeli consulate in downtown Houston against the attack on Palestine. I could fire up a huge topic on what's going on all over the world, how Jews are controlling world politics, how India is doing it all wrong, RSS, BJP, terrorist attacks in India all carried out by Hindus, Gujrat, Pakistan and Kashmir. It's all burning within me these days. My perspectives have changed since I have come here. All we Indians are just frogs in the well not knowing the truth or simply refusing to understand it. Now that when I see things from a distance, I get to see the whole picture and see who is doing what. I am in support of Pakistan and I don't fear calling Israel the axis of evil. May Allah bless all my Muslim brothers and sisters all over the world, bring peace to everybody and protect us from all sorts of evils even we can't imagine but Allah is aware of.

A few days back I went to watch the movie 'Benjamin Button' to a theatre here in Houston with a cousin and his friend who was here from Chicago. I liked the movie though found it something very different and amusing. I had seen quite a few movies since I came here to Houston. We have been using my laptop and a projector to watch these movies in big size on a wall in the living room. It gives a great experience. The other day I watched 'Get Smart'. There were few more before that.

I had seriously been wanting to spend some of my time with my cousin sister in Austin. After so much of planning and timing, we finally decided that she would come down to Houston with her family for the next weekend inshAllah. I would be waiting for that. I am pretty much relaxed now that I have my driving license with me. When I get back to Dallas one of my first priorities would be to get in touch with some people there, find ways to make things easier and if necessary buy a car inshAllah. Alhamdulillah things have been going very well though not like how I had planned when I was back in India. I have seen better and bigger things than I had thought and imagined and I am pretty sure there is more to come. InshAllah. There is just something going on at home in Hyderabad and I pray to Allah I get to hear everything very positive at the earliest. I pray for everybody's happiness.

I try my best to stay in contact with as many people as possible though it is not always in my hands to be as I would ideally want myself to be. Lately I have found myself getting slightly critical about a few people and thinking about them is turning me away from them. It's not just about a single such person, it's more than that. I am trying my best to be how a responsible Muslim should be but still it's not easy to control my heart. I keep falling in love daily with people I already love. But when I look at some people through the rules set on us by Allah, I do find them incorrect in many ways one of which includes 'being indifferent'. I pray to Allah that He guides me onto the right path. It's love I want to be made of.

Allah And Me

2008-12-28T00:58:00.004-06:00

Love reminds you that noting else matters.

I am in Austin right now. It's just one of those things I never thought I would ever be doing in my life - being here at Austin and writing for my blog. I was in Houston until Saturday morning when I started with two of my aunts for this place. An uncle and a cousin sister live here. And the best part is their houses are side by side. In the evening, with my sister's husband and two of his friends I went to watch a movie in a theatre -Ghajini. I didn't like the movie but found it as pure entertainment. Then there was a heavy dinner at my sister's place. I wanted to be there for some more time, talk to my sister and spend time with my niece and nephew but they had some guests so I came back to my uncle's house.

Yesterday I attended a wedding in Houston - for the first time in America. It was good, pleasing and interesting. I like the way people carry themselves here. Though all wedding parties are mixed gatherings, women observe hijaab wearing scarfs and carry themselves with confidence. Not even for a moment does it appear any Unislamic except for the music that was played there. Alhamdulillah. The marriage function was in Marriot. The other day I spent a lot of time at Hilton in downtown Houston. The Texas Dawah Convention accommodates its volunteers in a start hotel like Hilton and two my cousins and their several friends were volunteers. We prayed Ishan at 24th floor of the building beside the swimming pool. I had never been to such a high-rise building before. I liked my time there.

The courses I would be taking up for the next semester include Introduction To Cryptography and Semantic Web. I am sure I will get either Software Architecture and Design or Software Project Planning and Management. I am yet to get that registered done. My classes start on 12th inshAllah and I will be back in Dallas before time inshAllah. I have already learnt a lot about being a part of a big family here in America, meeting people who are very distant relatives and making myself one of all these Americans. I am sure hardly any students like me get to live this kind of life here. Alhamdulillah.

It Boils Down To Love

2008-12-13T04:21:00.002-06:00

One day when Pooh was thinking, he thought he would go and see Eeyore, because he hadn't seen him since yesterday.
- Chapter Four, The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne, 1982

I wanted to talk to somebody to make myself feel better but it didn't sound appropriate that I call the friends I could think of now. So, I called up my father instead. It was short but it gave me what I needed - a voice filled with love. I spoke to my mother a few hours back but then I had called her to let her know of some financial matters here. I had told her about the fee I had paid at the university and the courses I registered for the Spring semester. Just before hanging up she told me something I didn't expect to hear when I called her and I kept thinking about it for a long time. Things seem to have changed.

Then for a long time I thought about the last time I hugged my parents. I thought about the faces and words I am never going to forget. I thought about many things that won't come again. There are no possible metrics to measure change. I thought writing a few lines on my blog could help. It has helped me many times. Tomorrow I will go to the university and study for Monday's test. I fear not getting a good grade in this course so I have to give in a lot. Today I even had to cut on my breakfast for I had no time for it when I woke up. One of my team mates had told me that the submission date for the final deliverable was 13th and today he woke me up telling it was over already. I had to rush to my laptop and do as much as I could. Alhamdulillah the professor didn't mind a submission that was four hours late. Had it been some other professor, I would have lost an A.

Too frequently I ask myself if I am missing something and it frustrates me. When an ant crawls up onto my hand I play with it. I let it pass through my fingers, make circles on my palm and work through the designs and curves of my hand. But the moment it moves up into my shirt's hand cuff I shrug it off. As long something stays in front of us, let it even be a problem, as long as we know what it is and know what it is capable of, we are alright with it. The moment it goes beyond our knowledge it becomes a bother. I am astonished at how little I can control, how humble we all have to be and how insignificant a wish could mean. So much depends on hope. So much depends on what we haven't seen but hope to see. So much depends on the dreams we see. It is Allah who decides.

Eid

2008-12-08T17:24:00.003-06:00

Chemically speaking, chocolate really is the world's perfect food.
- Michael Levine, nutrition researcher, as quoted in The Emperors of Chocolate: Inside the Secret World of Hershey and Mars

Saturday evening I came along with my cousin to Houston. Alhamdulillah we reached a little before 12 midnight. After having a hearty talk with my uncle and aunt I sat down with my laptop for more than an hour. I had to crash out then. I have finally managed to pull down the number of hours I am sleeping these days to around six. Alhamdulillah. Yesterday I spent time with my uncle and aunt, drove around a little and slept only after 3 am. And it was Eid ul Azha today. I met so many of my second cousins and relatives from my aunt's side. I didn't miss my parents because they all made me feel like a part of their family. My cousins' grandmother said "you are lucky to get a chance to be in a family for Eid". I know I am. Alhamdulillah.

I have a test on December which I badly need to do well. Though my projects in this course scored 99%, I wasn't good with the first test and the assignment. It was hurting after I had put in so many hours of work about that piece of program and still scored 15 points below average. There were a few things the professor showed later which I could have done to improve on a few points. But it's over now. I just hope I don't go below a B in this course. Alhamdulillah I went good with the other two and inshAllah I will also get an A in one of them.

It's home here for me in Houston. When I go back to Dallas I am going to miss all this part of America!

The Chocolate Connoisseur

2008-12-04T01:51:00.003-06:00

There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate.
- Linda Grayson, The Pickwick Papers

A lot of time got wasted in the last few days especially after I got done with two of my three tests. I have the last test on December 15th and I am yet to start with it's preparation. InshAllah I will begin that tomorrow. After a lot of patience and as a big blessing from Allah I scored more than four points above the class average in one of those two tests. I am yet to receive the scores of the other test. It was complicated. It's only Allah's will. The one I have on 15th needs a lot of help from Allah. Though my projects were better than all other teams in the class, I didn't do well in the first test. I badly need to clear the averages to get a decent grade. Alhamdulilllah in one of the three courses I hold a fair chance to get an A.

It's an equivalent of -4 degree Centigrade here right now. Though the actual temperature is 1 degree, it's chilling cold outside. In the evening I had been to Wal-mart and it just ended up in one of those days I will remember for long. We always drag the cart right upto the bust stand and this time we exceeded out limits of shopping. I even went for grape juice, frozen french fries and a packet of M&M chocolate this time apart from the regular supplies of milk, shrimp flavored noodles, bread and rice. I kind of enjoy a lot when I go to Wal-mart, Super Target or Tom Thumb. They talk about some part of future to me!

I have a project presentation to make in the class that starts at 11:30 am. I have finished my part of the work on Sunday but was spending some time complementing my team mates. We are a team of seven and I was int he documentation group. For this final deliverable I created a Vision Document and Softgoal Interdependency Graphs. Though this wasn't much work compared to what my other team mates did, they were always there to encourage me with whatever I was doing. Alhamdulillah I learnt a lot being with these people. They are all elder to me in both working experience and age. I am yet to meet people in two of my courses who do not have any work experience and are of my age! It's an ocean of big sharks here with only my roommates and me as small fish. Only that these sharks are very friendly, caring and helpful!

The forecast for the next 24 hours shows a low of -2 degrees Centigrade. I am sure it's going to feel like -6 at least. A couple of degrees below this and it's going to snow I guess. In the evening when I spoke to my cousin he said he asked me if I was willing to come to Houston with him this weekend. My heart jumped with happiness. InshAllah I will meet my uncle and aunt there again. I am waiting for weekend to come. After tomorrow's presentation there isn't much I have to do. I have a small project to submit on 13th which I am sure my team mates will manage. I will only have a spend a couple of hours after it I suppose. The test on 15th is still a matter of concern. InshAllah I will work harder than before and score above average. If I get to do that, a fish will become as good as a shark!

There is no measure of how much Allah has helped me learn in the last 4 months. It all started with my cousin's marriage where for the first time I drove late nights all alone. My parents were leaving just after all the ceremonies were getting over and I wanted to stay till everybody had left for their homes. Then came my first experience of flying. It was a journey of more than 33 hours. Then it was staying away from my parents. If it was not for those wonderful people I met after coming here, I am sure things would have been very difficult. Allah helped me everywhere. I know things could have gone either ways. Allah wanted it to be easy for me. And so it has always been. Alhamdulillah. Learning has no limits. InshAllah.

Oh Allah! They are Ruining My Country

2008-11-28T02:27:00.003-06:00

Where there's a will, there's a weapon.
-Yuri Orlov, Lord of War

They have made an Afghanistan of my country. I remember that day when I was returning after a semester exam and the news of a bomb blast in Mecca Masjid in the old city region of Hyderabad reached me. My first reaction was to refuse to believe in that. That seemed impossible. But that was the truth. Months later there were series of blasts across Hyderabad. There were blasts in Ajmer, Ahmedabad, Bangalore and the list keeps updating. It's more than easy to people in India - anybody can build a bomb, get a gun or cause an explosion of any size in any part of any city. The only thing that can control this is intelligence. I wonder what they really do. Of course it's Allah who knows everything.

Just a year back I remember telling my father how India is the best choice for multi-national companies to setup their offices because we are the safest country. It all changed. Life is loosing it value and numbers only help build statistics. Politicians battle for power, policemen keep fattening up their pockets and pot bellies, innocents die everyday and the country suffers. Every mall, theatre and building has metal detectors and security personell at the entrance checking the visitors. I never believed them to be of any help. Even a kid can sneak in a bomb or a gun. There is no way to check who carries what in trains and busses.

It seems pointless to talk about all this; it won't many any difference. Those involved don't understand. Understanding anything won't make a difference to those who suffer. They have made a joke out of it. The news channels sensationalize everything. They want to be the best channel. They want to make money. And what do they do - they blame my religion. I simply don't get the logic in calling Pakistani Terrorists as 'Pakistani Islamic Terrorists'. Why do they bring in my religion?

Oh, Divine Chocolate!

2008-11-22T03:08:00.003-06:00

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!
- Lucy Van Pelt, Peanuts

This is my 471st post of this blog. It's three years now since I started writing. Though this blog was started much later than November 2005, there was a post on my other blog, Flowing Emotions, which, if I recollect correctly, was posted by me on November 14th, 2005. In a few months I had deleted that post but continued my then newly discovered obsession towards writing. When I started writing I had little imagination that one day I would be writing sitting in a country thousands of miles away from my home. It definitely feels something pretty different, but it's not in my humble means to explain it in words.

It's 3:14 am in the morning now with an empty bowl lying just beside me on a book. I had chocolate cookie ice cream a while ago listening to some music. I had spent a few hours in the evening studying for a test I have on Tuesday and the preparation continued until a couple of hours back. I only have a topic more to cover but that doesn't give me any confidence. No matter what level of effort I put here for tests, I don't achieve any good. It hurts, it frustrates and the only thing I tell myself is that I will give in a little more the next time. This is that next time now which I had thought about after the last test. InshAllah I will go past class averages this time. It's Allah's will. SubhanAllah.

It was 'cool' to see my father asking me "wassup?" in an e-mail he wrote to me yesterday. I replied to that mail but not to the question yet. I will do that later in the day today inshAllah. Though I am a kind of used to staying away from my parents, I will never get used to staying without them. I don't want to get used to such things. For years I have been considered extremely sensitive, sentimental, emotional and weak. I wonder how I could endure staying away from my parents. This time I surprise myself!

There are no measurable details of how much I am learning here. Those subjects I read back in my engineering make sense now. And each of the courses here teach me more than enough that I can straight away start working in the industry. The other day I cut fish, marinated it, fried it and mixed it with a vegetable curry to make a delicious dish out of it. I have learnt how to cook chicken is more than one way, cook mutton, chopped mutton, seviyon ka meetha, khatti daal, vegetable curries and even burgers. I can now prepare burgers better than what we get at McDonalds. Mustard sauce, mayonnaise, tomato ketchup and a hope to make all this taste well between the buns with either hash browns or some veg-patty make good burgers. Alhamdulillah.

I seem to have a crisis with my sleep here. back in India though my timings were all weired, they were in my control - I used to decide how many hours to sleep. Alhamdulillah. But now, though falling asleep seems to be a problem, waking up too is turning out to be a problem. The remperature in the nights is floating around an equivalent of -1 degree centigrade making sleep inside my silky blanket even more enjoyable. Alhamdulillah. The problem is, I am spending more than eight hours in this indulgence. InshAllah I will make myself better soon. Something else I enjoyed here a few days back - driving. I drove my cousin's car - I need a little more practice before I am as confident as I was on Hyderabad's roads. InshAllah.

Egoistic Superior Complex Attitude

2008-11-03T20:45:00.003-06:00

It never occurred to me to call 911 or my physician. As foolish as it may appear, you are, in a sense, a prisoner of the pain, which was intolerable. You're thinking, what could I do to relieve myself of it. If it becomes intense enough, you're perfectly willing to accept cardiac arrest as a possible way of getting rid of the pain.
- Dr. Michael DeBakey heart surgery pioneer, on his own pain attack from a damaged aorta

I got done with my evening class 30 minutes back and here I am sitting in the lobby of Student Union feeling more lonely than ever. I just hope nobody I know spots me here and thinks of giving me any company. I want to stay alone. I called up my father a while ago but he didn't talk much for he was getting late to work. I spoke to my grandmother then. Two minutes of talk never makes any difference. Everybody is busy everywhere. I have a meeting to attend with my team members in 15 minutes and I have a document to read before I go.

I wish I could go back to my apartment right away, have my dinner and sleep. I don't have to cook today. The chicken I prepared yesterday is still left relieving me and my room mates of today's cooking. Most of my classmates here are busy registering for their courses. I remember the day we were registering for Fall '08 - everybody was worried. Alhamdulillah I never tried to move things fast and I got the courses I wanted to have. Even this time inshAllah things will go well when I go for registration tomorrow.

It's 8:50 pm now and dark outside. The other day I was surprised when all the clocks automatically went back an hour. Later I was talk something like this happens twice every year to readjust time and synchronize it with convenience of daylight. It was amusing but seemed logical. I wish my father could have spent more time talking to me when I called him. I wish he remembered I was living alone here and unlike him I have nobody around to sit and talk to. Five minutes left for the meeting - I have to prepare for it.

Sleep

2008-10-27T10:45:00.002-05:00

The wise man will love; all others will desire.
- Afranius

I never thought I would ever get so keen on learning Java even when it is not a part of my study here. The other day we were working on a homework that is supposed to create a GUI to implement a few features of a system and I got to meet NetBeans and Eclipse. For a while I thought Visual Studio could have been so much fun if I had to work on that. I had scored 100% in it's lab exam back in my engineering and it had surprised me. My final semester was of course surprising too - I had scored around 81%! But now, putting my head into Java seems imperative given that every other person here seems to be a master in it. I have always played favorites in learning anything I came across. This time I have to think of what's going to make getting a job easier in the months to come. Allah knows everything.

5 am I started with the second chapter of the book I chose to let me start with Java. I have studied Java before in my engineering but coming to UT Dallas made me start believe that Osmania University is nowhere close to being a good university - they need to know what's going in the industry. Osmania University is just a name - it's all hollow inside. UTD at times makes me go nuts. Even after giving 100% it makes me wonder if that could be enough. Half of what is taught is in the industry right now. The other half is what the professor is researching. There are so many concepts that have not been properly documented in books available in the market. And a large part of this is not even known to the industry. Alhamdulillah there is something like IEEE that helps so much. Being students here enables us to download all its documents free of charge.

Right now the temperature outside is 8 degrees Centigrade but MSN says it feels like 4 degrees Centigrade. The minimum for the day is expected to be 2 degrees Centigrade. It's windy, horribly extreme and nowhere close to any form of harsh weather I have seen before. The coolness runs through the bones and shakes every nerve inside the body. I was in a hurry to attend my morning class and forgot to take my jacket along - I could understand my day had started with a big mistake. Alhamdulillah I am back in my apartment now and it's very good here. Alhamdulillah. Soon I might be seeing snow fall. It's going to be my first experience. I just hope Allah gives me enough strength to bear this cold. I wonder how my friend is doing in Chicago.

Moonlit

2008-10-25T01:39:00.003-05:00

Always be a poet, even in prose.
- Charles Baudelaire, "My Heart Laid Bare", Intimate Journals, 1864

I wonder why the sky looks more open and wide here than the one I remember back in Hyderabad. Perhaps because it's a flat land with not many hills or maybe it's some phenomenon those into the study of light can explain. For me, it's vast and pleasing. I used to stare at the moonlit sky standing in the balcony of my house back home and think of how lovely a poem would be if I could put the bliss in words. I could never do that. I remember the occasional visits I paid to my house's terrace where I would only stare at the few visible stars that always seemed to be moving yet stay in the same place all through my visit. The lights on the land always reminded me that I am a part of civilization. I love mankind. Allah created it. SubhanAllah.

I start liking every other person I meet here. They are all so good to me, helpful and kind. Every Friday seems like a blessing when I go for the Juma prayers and look at those few guys working for the Muslim Student Association. There are a few of them who make me want to learn so much from them. MashAllah, they are of the best people I know here. Today one of the guys told us a few stories about men who could recite the shahada just before dying and a few who couldn't. He explained what it means when Allah guides us from darkness to light and how nobody could ever know who has been guided until the moment of death arrives. I don't want to go to hell. I want to dye reciting the shahada. Alhamdulillah. InshAllah.

I have a Sikh friend here who came over to my apartment over a cup of tea sometime back. He happens to be from Jammu but has stayed for sometime in Hyderabad. I met him because he was my room mate's neighbor in Jammu and they both are good friends. I like this guy a lot. We had lots of fun. He liked tea so much that he had a second cup too. He is graduating this semester and was a bit upset with the recession. Texas is alhamdulillah going strong with jobs still available but he is from Electrical and Electronics engineering so was a little worried. He is finishing his Masters in just 18 months which end in December. When I told him I plan for the same too he asked me if I had a girl friend. He is finishing it in 18 months because he wants to get married soon.

I said I have no girlfriend. I wanted to tell him how much I hate that very idea of getting into such an unaccepted relationship. We got busy with other discussions then. I remember some days back he explained me why is it necessary that we finish our education soon. He said the same thing today to my other room mates. He told how important and wonderful it is to settle down soon. I agree with every word of his on this. Alhamdulillah my parents taught me enough that I understand why it is necessary for a good Muslim to get married at the earliest. I don't understand those guys who want to stay single for long and enjoy their lives. I say it's not enjoying; it's sinful. I am blessed that my parents agree with me.

The other day a guy told me I need not give him so much respect by using aap (a respectable tone of 'you' in Urdu) for him. I was too busy in discussing with him our assignment where I have to test 'od.c' using Xsuds in UNIX. I made a good friend of this guy and also had a talk on phone with him a couple of hours back. I was the same. I cannot change myself even if I change my language or my accent. I see that North Indians use tuu (casual 'you' in Hindi) for almost everybody. I don't mind being referred that way - two of my room mates talk to me using tuu even when I use aap for them always. I am drawn that way. That's what my parents taught me. Alhamdulillah. I will to it always inshAllah and with everybody inshAllah. It's my tehzeeb (etiquette).

Allah Knows

2008-10-24T03:25:00.006-05:00

If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.
- Winnie The Pooh, A. A. Milne

The other day when I had a video conference with my father I told him he lost few more hair and that he was looking more bald. My brother started laughing standing behind him and my father showed him the kind of anger which always makes us laugh. Thursday morning when it was evening in India he was about to go to bed when my brother started a conference. Mamma spoke first but my father was sitting beside her and waving his hand at me showing his teeth. Few days back when mamma asked me how she was looking through the camera, I told her she was looking like my mamma. She started laughing. I could see happiness in her voice, in her smile and also in her eyes. I even finally told my brother how much I love him. He said he knows it.

Around 8 pm I called my sister in Austin. The moment we shared greetings I asked her if she was busy. I have made this a practice now. It's always so nice to talk to her. When we last met I took her younger son in my arms and kissed him. How much I wish I could do that again. I love children and I had somebody so close to me after so many months. She told me she was on her way to a restaurant with her husband and children. I still remember her husband asking me to come over to Austin someday. I told her I wanted to come this weekend but have a project to finish. InshAllah someday very soon I will go and meet her. I talk to her every Saturday alhamdullillah. But from now on inshAllah I will call her on Wednesdays or Thursdays too. She is the closest to me here. She has been like a teacher to me right from my childhood.

It's weekend now and it's three days of "nothing much to do". I have to spend some time with my team mates to finish a home work in the course OOAD. They live in a nearby apartment and most probably I will join them tomorrow. I was worried about this particular course I took but on Monday when I spoke for some time to the professor it was like a relief to me. I could convince her that the home work she gave was out of scope of the course-work of the subject. She even got convinced that she should cancel the next homework. I realized how powerful the use of "I agree" could be. I used it with sympathy and she was pleased with me. I went on to ask her about the other courses she takes in UTD. She seemed to be pleased at least. I care about my grades and I want to deserve them. InshAllah. Alhamdulillah.

Once Again

2008-10-23T00:35:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.
- Winnie The Pooh, A. A. Milne

It's very cold here today. I had never seen such chilly weather anytime in Hyderabad and it's just the start of winter. Though one of my room mates told me that it's cold when we see Americans wearing warm clothes I didn't feel like wearing my jacket today. We had to go for some shopping in the evening but we stayed indoors after I returned from my class at 9:30 pm. I had a burger on my way back to try out this 'Jack In The Box'. I had been seeing it for two months now but had never been there until today. I liked the burger. Alhamdulillah.

The other day I had a dream in which I knew it was a dream and I was hoping that it would not end. But I woke up and was still here in my apartment. Something similar happens almost every night. I have always stayed away from sleep in the nights for the fear it causes to me. Back in Hyderabad I used to wait till my body would give in. I don't understand what's going on here. I sleep even for 10 hours somedays and most of it is during day time. I know once I start with a job inshAllah everything will have to be put right. I am just waiting for that day to come. I know it's not far inshAllah.

Getting mails from my mamma every morning and evening has turned into a habbit for me by now. It feels so nice to hear from her twice daily. When I have video conferences with her, my father and brother, it's like I am sitting with them. Even after everything that has to be spoken gets over, I ask them to stay online. This perhaps is the safest addiction I have - my parents and brother alhamdulillah. I want to move away from others slowly because I know there is no light ahead on the paths of friendship I walk with these few beautiful people. It's kind of a painful exercise - but today or tomorrow it has to come. It's not easy even to write this. I might just not even do what I am thinking of. But alhamdulillah I will be prepared. Something started yesterday back in India.

The More I Search, The More It's Not There

2008-10-17T23:16:00.004-05:00

"Pooh, promise me you won't forget about me, ever. Not even when I am a hundred."
Pooh thought for a little.
"How old shall I be then?"
"Ninety-nine."
Pooh nodded. "I promise," he said.
- Winnie the Pooh, The House at Pooh Corner by A. A. Milne

Among so many other things here in the University of Texas at Dallas I like the Muslim community a lot. The credit goes to the MSA that organizes regular meets and of course the Friday prayers. It was only after reaching Dallas that I could understand what exactly the Juma Qutba is about. It's given in English and so goes into my brains unlike how it was back in India where the same Arabic Qutba was recited every Friday which I am sure very few could understand. Today as I entered the prayer hall - there are rooms named as Galaxy Rooms in the University where prayers are performed every Friday alhamdulillah - I saw many Muslim brothers sitting in rows on white sheets of cloth waiting for the Qutba to be started.

One of the brothers from MSA delivered the Azan which was perhaps the most sweetest of the voices I have ever heard. I fall in love with this guy everytime I see him - he always has a smile on his face; always. Then the president of MSA at UTD delivered the Qutba. He spoke about a couple of hadees of Prophet Mohammed (PBUH) and explained them in detail. Then we had the Juma prayer. Alhamdulillah a similar practice is carried out every Friday and it gives me a lot of peace. SubhanAllah. One thing that comes to my mind repeatedly is something I heard at a Musalla in the first Juma prayer I attend in the US. I think it was in Plano but I am not sure - I had been there with my uncle at a time when I knew absolutely nothing about this place. The Imaam just before the prayer had said "brothers, please pray as if it's the last prayer of your lives".

I like many practices we have in our community here. MashAllah. I wonder whether the people delivering the Qutbas back in India know what they are reciting every Friday. I don't critique them. I just don't understand them. The guy who explained the Hadees today sports a goatee and has a muscular body. We don't need people wearing green gowns, designer caps and holding some threatening sticks in their hands. We need those who can share with us some knowledge that will help us attain Magfirath. I like this place. I like the people here. I just don't completely like the life I am living. I don't have anybody beside me I love. The more I search for love, the more it's not there.

I returned to my apartment after the Juma prayer today to start the preparation for a test I have on Monday. One of my room mates wanted to play pool and I was feeling lousy so I decided to go along with him. I like playing this game - I just can't play it well enough to win. I am yet to learn that. Out of the nine games I played, I came close to winning several times but couldn't make it even once. Yet I enjoyed my time - I like playing this game. I was having a tough time bending and looking at the balls on the table and the stick with my glasses that were repeatedly slipping down my nose. I kept trying for newer ways to aim but they were not of much help. Alhamdulillah.

I am having a tough time finding somebody who could help me here get a permanent Driving Licence. It was my father's friend who came 33 miles from his house in Bedford some weeks back to take me for the computerised test where I scored 21 out of 28 and got my Practice Licence without any preparation. He is too busy these days that I don't expect him to take so much time for me. I have the permission from my parents alhamdulillah to buy a car which is a necessity here for many things. I just don't have somebody to help me with it. Allah will of course decide how things have to take shape. I pray to Him and wait for the time to come. Yet time passes fast here, there is so much to wait for. My faith in Allah is the only thing that keeps me smiling. Alhamdulillah. "Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" is another quote I could have used for today.

Being...

2008-10-13T23:54:00.002-05:00

There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear.
- George S. Patton

It's two months now since the day I came here. The feeling of still breathing air in Hyderabad is fresh. At times I feel helpless here just staying in my apartment with nowhere to go except of the university of some store. University always pleases me but even with so many students around I feel lonely there with no friend with me. I talk to many people here, I have become friendly with people from many countries and I have spent good time with several of these people. But there is nobody with whom I can really share myself. It's 11:57 pm here. I miss my home.

I am alhamdulillah satisfied with how things are taking shape. I am done with two of the three mid-term tests out of which one wasn't at all pleasing, I have learnt how to stay away from my parents, I have a fair idea of measurements here, the currency's value and the traffic movement on the roads. I had never used plastic money back in India. I do that now. I learnt how to sign checks and pay bills online without hesitating. I learnt how easy it is to start conversations here. I learnt many things alhamdulillah. Yet I know I have a lot of distance to cover. I want to finish my masters as early as possible and start with a full time job. It's not easy to stay with nothing called as family around me.

I see people complaining how difficult is it to be here, how weired it is to see new things here or some times even criticising their own decisions. I wonder how they thought it would all be easy for them. I still find it very easy here. At least living without emotions is simple. It's only a bit discomforting when my heart beats thinking about my people and friends back home. But I was prepared for that. Alhamdulillah I have fared well till now in containing myself. My laptop is my access to all the hearts out there.

The Best Things In Life Aren't Things

2008-10-08T02:01:00.004-05:00

If you're good at something, never do it for free.

- The Joker, The Dark Knight

The moment I raised my head standing at the podium I could see all Americans, Europeans, Chinese and Indians keen on what I was going to do next. I will remember this presentation I gave today for a long time. I worried how I would sound, I was worried if I would get confused with the mock-up I was going to present and I was of course worried that I would let my team-mates down who had just finished their part. Our team had already taken extra minutes more than what was stipulated for us. The professor sitting in the last row was now ready to have a look at how our web application would appear.

Alhamdulillah ours was the only team praised by the professor. It was a compliment. I got a pat from one of my team-mates. The other one appreciated me as well. I felt I got recognition and respect in the class. It was still a very small thing but ended up making a lot of difference to me. Back in India I had given presentations in front of lecturers and students I could tell anything in front of. I knew nobody here. Four of my team-mates are Americans and two are Indians. They all make me feel comfortable. All of them have their jobs and two of them are married. I am the only fresher - Fresh of the Boat! So, any appreciation I get from them makes a lot of difference to me.

I had been to Six Flags in Arlington with my cousin sister and her family last Sunday. It was perhaps one of my happiest days here. I didn't enjoy any rides - my purpose was only to be with my sister. And they dropped me back to my apartment in the evening. They had come here from Austin and left later in the night. Saturday I spent the day with my aunt and cousins who came here from Houston and with some of my second cousins. I met most of them only here in Dallas and Houston for the first time but still got comfortable with them easily. I find this a change in me - I was very shy. I am shy even now but just because I meet people who show care and concern toward me, I cannot stop myself from giving all my heart to them and get friendly.

Last weekend showed to me how much difference it makes to have people around us whom we can love and who love us. Even if there is only one person with us who could always be loved and who would love in return, it gives immense peace and happiness. Allah has designed us this way. SubhanAllah. The moment I returned to my apartment at 1:30 am early Saturday I knew I was in a completely different world here - just those same walls and the same three rooms. I like this place but I don't like staying with nobody to love. I know thousands of students like me have the same life and they are used to it. I don't want to get used to it. I am the new generation; I believe in change.

I get to stay in continuous contact with my parents, brother and a few friends. It feels so nice to receive messages and e-mails from each of them. It feels great when somebody calls. The toughest part here is sleep. Maybe I can someday write in detail why sleep troubles me. Otherwise alhamdulillah things are moving smoothly. I will be happy as long as I am sure this phase of my life will end soon and I can catch up with a better future. I thank Allah for every bit of knowledge and wisdom I receive. There is so much to share but nobody to take it from me.

Flowers Have No Tomorrow

2008-09-16T01:12:00.005-05:00

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.
- Jules Barbey d'Aurevilly

When I left my home 34 days back I had in my mind that I was going to suffer after I reached America and that it was going to be tough for me. I wanted to keep myself prepared for the worst. I thought I would cry and that I would regret the decision I made back in November 2007 of going to America for pursuing Masters. I always kept asking Allah to make things easy for me. What I didn't know that Allah was going to make me the most happiest Muslim on Earth. I couldn't have imagined how easy Allah would be making my life once I was here. Now I wonder how much I will have to thank Allah for making me the most blessed. Of course I can never thank him enough I do try to make some attempts. Every single word of truth I utter I know it's Allah who would bless me and guide me onto the right path.

I live in an apartment which is a little more than a mile from The University of Texas at Dallas. We are five room-mates - each of us has left a job in India to catch up with further studies. We left an easy life back home. I somehow feel I came here for an easier life. I don't miss Indian food like many students living here do, I don't mind walking a kilometer to buy a pack of bread, I don't mind washing utensils, cooking my own food, washing my own clothes and I don't mind taking garbage packets to the can nearby. I only miss my parents, my brother, my friends and my relatives. But it's alright. I am still satisfied alhamdulillah. I couldn't have thought of anything better.

One of my room-mates is from Jammu and is married. He was a scientist in Indian Space Research Organization. He is now doing his Masters in Electrical Engineering. The second guy is from Vadodra. He could have joined TCS but he came here to do his Masters in Electrical Engineering too. The third guy is from Hyderabad. He graduated from JNTU a couple of years back and had a good job. He came here to do his Masters in Geospatial Information Systems. The fourth guy is from Hyderabad too. He didn't mind leaving a job in Wipro behind to do MS here in Computer Sciences. He is my classmate in one of the three courses in this semester. I, Syed Zubair Hasan, didn't go to Mysore to join Infosys with a few of my dearest friends on July 14th, 2008 and instead came to Dallas on August 13th to do Masters in Software Engineering. Alhamdulillah. I am the fifth guy in the apartment numbered 405 in Chatham Court in McCallum Boulevard. That's in Dallas but my university is in Richardson. Takes 5 minutes to reach from this place.

I thought Hurricane Ike would be a bother. It rained all day on Saturday when we were expecting high velocity winds and even tornadoes. But there was only rain. The next day, Sunday, it was back to sunshine. Today the weather was more than just pleasant. Late in the evening when I was returning home after Iftaar around 9 pm it was cold. I liked spending time with my other friends shivering! I had a half-sleeved T-Shirt on and it felt like home - thousands of miles away from the home I lived for 21 years.

I get a feeling that I have been living here for a long time. I experience new things and the next time that new thing happens it's already old. Alhamdulillah I am adjusting faster than I thought I would. At times I find it a little difficult understanding the Texan accent - it's a lot different than what I used to listen to in Hollywood movies. But alhamdulillah it's alright. Whenever I don't understand anything, I just say "excuse me" and the person repeats his previous words. People here are polite. But my cousins and my father's friend who live here warn me and tell me that I must not trust these people much.

I lost my habit of writing regularly. I wanted to write a poem too but I wonder how I am not able to. I have so many things to tell; so much I have learnt and observed. It's like it has been ages since I wrote anything amusing. I write mails to my parents, brother and friends almost every other day and it keeps me satisfied. Thanks to my father's friend who lives in Bedford, a suburb of Dallas, I got a cell phone. And thanks to my mamma I bought a laptop too. It has 3 Gb of RAM, 250 Gb of hard-drive space, a graphics card of 512 Mb memory from ATI Radeon and regular features like DVD writer with litescribe, integrated webcam and a remote control.

When I went to purchase this computer I was hardly any excited. I knew I needed it for a reason - studies. I just wanted one immediately - I liked this, it was from HP and I bought it for $703. Alhamdulillah. Later after I reached home I realized how Allah has made me make the right choice. Right from the metallic keys to clarity of the screen - I fell in love with everything. Alhamdulillah. InshAllah I will use it in the best way possible. There is a long road ahead of me. It's smooth if I keep my sight on my objectives. I would find difficulties if I deviate. Of course Allah will decide how things eventually, and even now, would be. My job is to leave everything to Him and try to do the right things right. SubhanAllah.

Speak American

2008-08-26T00:18:00.004-05:00

We spend our time searching for security and hate it when we get it.
- John Steinbeck, America and Americans

It's been a while since I updated this blog. Thanks to my room-mate who brought a laptop here that I get to access the internet whenever I need it. I am in touch with almost everybody I wish to through e-mail. Getting a phone still seems to be difficult with SSN a necessary requirement. There are phones available that don't seek any signing of contracts but they sound expensive in the long run. I might probably go for AT&T but I am yet to figure out how I am going to work around the SSN thing. InshAllah tomorrow something should come up.

The evening I moved into my apartment my aunt had already seen me off with enough food for dinner not just for me but also for my four room mates. The next day was Sunday and my breakfast was cereal. That's the easiest and the most nutritious breakfast. Then we went to Walmart for some shopping. I couldn't resist chocolates, chocolate syrup, ice cream and cheese. There were many things we needed to start a home here. Alhamdulillah things are going great.

I had my first experience with comprehensive cooking today when I prepared a curry with tomatoes and potatoes. It came out wonderfully well. I didn't expect that quality. It's easy to prepare rice using the cooker. We also had another curry ready with us - the packed one. Bread, yogurt - though I don't eat, milk, juice, cheese, chocolate, cereal, ice cream and eggs are plenty in here right now. Food alhamdulillah it hardly an issue. It's just that one of us has to delegate and cook a curry for dinner everyday. That doesn't seem like any problem.

The university provides shuttle services too which are free of charge for the students. We students even get free passes that work for the other buses and trains here. The transport system in Dallas is called as DART and it's all free of charge for me. In our apartment we keep charts of all the available routes. There are many things we are learning and I am a kind of enjoying it. It's fun, it's challenging and it's necessary. Our house here is very luxurious though we have no furniture. Carpeting provides comfort in every corner and AC helps us forget the hot temperatures outside.

It's great to be in the university. I have attended a class each till now for the three courses I have registered in and I liked all the instructors. Though I have a lot of hard work to do to get A in each course, inshAllah I don't think I will find it difficult. There are many activities I can get involved into in the university but right now I am preferring staying away from them. I need to spend time getting used to the change I am undergoing. I see no other option than adopting what's coming so it makes no difference whether it is easy or not. I just have to do it. I live in an America we are supposed to deserve! At least that is how they say it.

As long as I was in my relative's house it was honeymoon for me. It's luxury here at my apartment too but not like how it was there. My aunt used to take care of me like my mother or my grandmother used to, my uncle always used to be concerned about my well-being. They are around 16 miles away from here now. I am in McCallum in Richardson and they are in Murphy. I am not sure when I am going to meet them next but inshAllah I will stay in close contact with them always.

It's not easy to stay away from what I have called as home for over 21 years. I have always had my parents and my best friends around me. I have nobody here who was with me for so much time. Every thing's new and fresh. I am called as FOB -Fresh Off the Board! I miss my parents, I miss my friends, I miss so much. I tel myself that this had to come and this is how it should be. I have bigger commitments now I need to take care of. It must not be expected of me to tell anybody if I have cried after coming here. It's something insignificant. It's expected. It's in the system. I have to finish my masters soon. I have to get married. And bigger things start from there. Allah decides everything.

We have had two orientations till now - one was general for all international students and the other was for those into Computer Sciences. The International Student Orientation also contained a lecture on Cultural Shock. I am waiting for some lightening to strike me. It's all like I knew how it was going to be here. I am from a big city like Hyderabad, I have had so many relatives and friends living in the United States for so long, I have read and seen so much about this place - it's can't shock me so easily. Of course there are times when I see something and tell myself "oookkaaay". But it's alright. Today I saw a girl aged around 20 lying completely on the footpath while waiting for the bus. I looked at her blankly for a second and that was it. There were some Indian students there who seemed to be puzzled. It's alright - it's America.

After the Honeymoon phase an irritation phase is expected. Then comes the adjustment phase. I think I am working around these phases quickly given that I know why I am here and where I need to go. When we have our eyes fixed on the goals we seldom give any importance to the trouble the road to that goal might give. Allah has created everything - whether it's here in the US or back home in India. As long as I worship Allah I know I am on the right path. I thank Allah for the decisions I could take till now and the luxury he has supplied me with. He has made many things very easy for me Alhamdulillah.

The last time I spoke to my parents was on Thursday. It was Thursday here at least - it must have been Friday there. Though I feel like talking to them frequently I know that it's not a good idea. I need to get used to not hearing their voice. There are many things I need to get used to which I would never prefer if I had the option. Having no option makes things easy. Just before leaving India I had read that Allah doesn't like any humans grieving. It's sinful to be sad. Now, I don;t remember where exactly I had read it but all I remember is what it meant and that it was authentic. So, whenever I feel sad about something I remind me of this. Of course it's not easy to leave so many loves ones behind... that is how it must be. Allah knows what is good.

My trip to Houston after I came here was very satisfying. I was there to meet my father's elder brother and his family. After that once I returned to Dallas I met many people from my uncle's family. I have been to many places around, seen many new things and worked myself around several experiences. I feel in love with the University of Texas at Dallas at first sight. The more time I spent there the more I keep liking it. I even got to play table tennis and pool here. There are many more games I can explore whenever I want to. It's all open for me. There are too many things to do and too less time. I wish I could keep on writing but I need to go to bed. I thank Allah for how things are now. I thank my parents for supporting me. I still wish I could keep on writing. I am not satisfied.

America

2008-08-14T14:46:00.002-05:00

Alhamdulillah I landed at Dallas Fort Worth Airport yesterday around 9:20 pm local time. My uncle and a cousin were there already to receive me. I am at their house right now alhamdulillah. I had started from Hyderabad when it was Tuesday there. My flight to Mumbai was delayed by 40 minutes. And at Mumbai I had to wait in a long queue to board a coach which was supposed to take me to the international terminal. I was in time for everything. We started for Brussels around 2:30 am. Now I don't remember what the local time at Brussels was when we touched down there. It was 1:20 pm New York time when I finally adjusted my watch at Newark.

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.
- Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

Just before touching down at Newark I got to see Statue of Liberty from far. It was a wonderful experience all trough my journey. I spend many hours at the airport in Newark moving around. I even had to board a train to move from terminal B to terminal C. In short, the journey was very good. I only wished that the food served was a little more in quantity! I opted for vegetarian meals everywhere. When I reached Dallas my uncle server me biryani at his home. May Allah bless him; he is taking good care of me.

I didn't cry when I left my parents in Hyderabad. I had asked them not to do that too. It was all smooth alhamdulillah. I know things are going to get tough for me from now. It's a different world which I had seen only on the TV! I don't feel like a foreigner. I am yet to go out and see Dallas under the sun light. I pray to Allah that I get used to the change soon. I don't want to cry for anything. I don't want to sit thinking what I must do to feel good. I want to study well and be a good Muslim. May Allah guide me.

The Awaited August Of 2008

2008-07-31T15:53:00.000-05:00

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you."
- A.A. Milne

The other day a friend asked me why I wasn't updating my blog and I told him that it's to avoid being misunderstood on several fronts. When I updated last I had to remove a paragraph which I thought contained sensitive facts about me. I wanted to tell that to everybody out of some fainting excitement but by the time I reviewed the post that excitement had already fainted. Later I realized it's better not to pin up things in excitement. Responding is a lot healthier than reacting. There are two specific reasons why I am writing today - I am missing some friends and suddenly I seem to have thought of the coming change.

I have known about the changing for many weeks now but it's just something that comes up suddenly. It's like a bubble formed deep inside the waters by some plant, the water knows about it's formation, the surface too knows that something is going to come up and burst and then suddenly the surface tension is compromised by the bubble and the water is puzzled. It's a known but unfelt fact! I wish I had my best friends with me now and I could share all this with them and then spend sometime talking nothing cherishing the silent moments with the joy of having their company. I can't have times like these with some of them now. 11:50 pm in the evening I don't find it proper to call any of those who are still here.

It's 1:27 am now! The moment I finished the above paragraph my cousin called up. It was the much awaited talk we both had to have. It was soothing talking to him especially when I wanted some comfort. As a bottom line we discussed how blessed we are Alhamdulillah. One of my cousin brothers is getting married next week and we are expecting a great time with already four dinners confirmed. I have been waiting for this cousin's marriage since many months. He has been a guide for me and he getting married is very exciting. I remember every thing he has taught me till now.

I am spending the kind of days I will never again have in my life. I can sleep anytime I want, I can have food whenever I like and go out whenever I feel with any of my friends or relatives. I am having wonderful time with my parents and brother. Some times I wonder how I can thank Allah for all these wonder things He has given me. At times I get afraid at how perfectly things take place. It's all surreal and fantastic. I pray to Allah that everything remains nice always - even in the Akhirah. I want to be on the right path forever.

It confounds me to see how my flow of writing is never persistent every time I write. Even in a single post things vary between extremes. My mood at times appears, things I pretend to hide and things I refuse to share do get reflected in every word I type. I cannot imagine how things are going to be with this blog a few years from now. I don't even know for how long I may keep writing here. I don't know who is going to take me ahead. I never thought of writing as a serious profession but definitely I am going to take a try some day. Writing is not just about having the ability to write. It's also about the ability to sell!

The Geometry

2008-07-25T15:05:00.001-05:00

When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.
- Bill Balance

With 18 more days left for me in Hyderabad I already feel that I don't belong to this place anymore. I am being made to feel that way. Everything I look at tells me that it's not going to stay before my eyes for longer. When I meet people they ask me about my preparations, they ask me about the date on which I am leaving and they ask me how I feel about it. It feels nice. It feels warm to be given time and to be asked something. It feels nice to see my parents happy. It doesn't feel good when I think that they will miss me when I am gone. Though if they tell me they are not going to miss me it will definitely make me feel worse.

I have no clue of how I am going to feel once I am there. Some times I want these left over days to go past me very fast. But I know I will never get them back again. I have many more things left to do, I have so much to talk to my parents, I want to spend time with them, I want to spend time with my brother, my cousins, my grandmother, my uncles, aunts and I want to see some of my friends again because I still can't believe they are gone forever. I know it will help me if I believe that.

I am looking forward for the change. It's suposed to be called as the American Dream but the problem is I won't have my beloved with me. It's hard but it's harder to explain. I can't thank Allah enough for giving me a chance to study in a university like University of Texas at Dallas. I will be rubbing shoulders with people who are best in the field. As long as I stay focused at my objective of scoring a good GPA I know my time there will be worth staying away from my parents. I want them to feel more proud of me. I want every person who loves me to become proud of me. And I will dedicate all the success I might achieve to them. Allah decides and everything and that brings tears to my eyes.

I am almost done with my shopping. Today I even purchased a new pair spectacles. I saw so many models at the shop and whenever I looked at the one I already own it appeared as the best to me! Alhamdulillah I hardly get any of my glasses broken so even the old one looks nice. After a long time in front of my mother and the mirror I liked a frame which appeared to be of low quality. The one I finally purchased is the costliest ever I have taken in the nine years. Mamma liked it too so I took it. Today I bought the third pair of jeans too. This is for the first time in 12 years that I am buying jeans for myself. I am told that students in universities dress more casually there in US and the kind of wardrobe I have presently is not even close to what is considered normal there. So I even had to shop of T-shirts.

University of Texas at Dallas (UTD) is in Richardson which is 20 kilometers or 16 miles from Dallas. Richardson houses offices of 5,700 of the world's renowned telecom and technology companies. This readily makes UTD as ther direct choice to recruit students from. I will inshAllah persue my MS in Computers and Information Sciences in The Erik Jonsson School of Engineering and Computer Science which is the engineering school in UTD. I am hoping to take up Software Engineering as the specialization which is ranked at 24th in the world for UTD.

Eighteenth of This Month

2008-07-18T11:33:00.003-05:00

Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.
- Leonardo DaVinci

Today marks the end of a year and a day since the day I got recruited by Infosys. I was supposed to report at Mysore on 14th of this month but I chose to have a different decision made. Unless I get specific, I get to convey nothing. It was just a click of a button on my phone and there was no turning back. The characters must have travelled the electronic route looking for the recipient who was sitting right in front of me. I didn't think much about that message and it's consequences since then, I chose to let procedures take care of the rest. Allah knows the route I will be taking now. He knows what is right. I pray for safety from a fear I cannot share.

It's hard to guess what takes priority when not everything can be put forth. Nevertheless there are facts to be noted but I tend to shy away from putting them into this void. Or perhaps I pretend to shy away not able to stand the seriousness involved in them. Since the moment I got up from the last nap a little more than an hour back I have been experiencing severe emotional fluctuations in my neural circuitry. The hope that had to be forced into a different void, a prayer that seems to have been accepted and the confidence that it was naive return no favors. A tool like a hammer causes pain while undergoing pain.

It's been an incredible experience walking in the clouds amid fears. The walk continues alhamdulillah making every bit worth appreciating, making me wait for the next bits to come and making me pray they take a shape of my desire and return favors for nothing I have done. If I deserved all that I desire then there would be no desires left worth being fulfilled even if I deserved them. I see something carrying me away at a time there is something else I must focus on. And this time it's not me alone playing the one that deviates - these are the concerns that pledge to give happiness. I ask these concerns: "can you hold my hand forever till we someday together reach hell and then go to heaven?"

For The Last Time

2008-07-11T13:50:00.002-05:00

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.
- Peter Ustinov

I said another goodbye today. It made a lot of difference. Nothing felt like sad when my friend was leaving. I was wished an awesome life and I replied with "to you too" and it was all over. We might meet someday in the years to come. We might never meet in the whole of lifetime. I will for sure make new friends, have new experiences, but this friend will never come back. So many of my friends will be leaving one by one and I would never be able to tell them how much I love them. I come from a society where love is seldom expressed. No matter what quantity it is of, it is expected to stay invisible.

This post should have arrived some days before but there was barely any reason I thought I must write. It was a like my ability to even write a single sentence on my own was taken away from me. Today, I write because I am in pain. I write for all those lovely times I spent with my parents and friends. I write for those days which are never going to come back. I write with a hope that I will feel better once again. That I can shed some tears. I am selfish - I write for my solace. Every person finds his pain as the largest unless he or she is in love. I do not know what's going on inside me. I will go blank if I don't write.

I am supposed to be happy for my friends who are going to start with Infosys. I am supposed to be proud of those who are already in Accenture. But I don't understand how I can feel good about all of it when this form of happiness and pride is self-defeating for me - it takes my friends away from me; a few of them away from me forever. I am a slave of my emotions - even if this is illogical to the core. I want them back. I want to have them here with me now - 12:34 am in the morning I dream of having my best friends with me by my side. I know it's a dream denied fulfilment. My throat aches for my heart.

I was so glad when I was selected by Infosys. I was so happy I had some of my friends with me too. We used to talk about it, we used to feel so great about being selected and what all it meant. And now the day has come when the same happiness causes pain and it is very, very painful. It's like praying for rain but not going to the Mosque because it is raining. I know this had to come. I know it was going to be painful. I hope I am not expected to be happy and smiling when I simply cannot. I want to apologise to Allah for the grief I am causing to myself.

I stare at the monitor with my neck half tilted and my head hardly moving. Things seem empty and blank but there is so much around and within I cannot explain. I keep looking at my phone every few minutes hoping that I would be sent some message by a friend or somebody would call - I don't know what I am expecting. I am ready to be called a fool. I won't mind being called a fool that I try to be so emotional with any of my friends, tell them how I feel or how much I would miss them. I am a fool if they respond to me just to make me happy and they don't feel anything in return. I won't mind that. I am already in pain.

I wanted to thank each of them; apologise to each of them. But no part of the culture I am a part of supports such conversations with friends. Perhaps the conversations I want to have demand no words - I just want to sit and stare at them seeing them laughing and enjoying. I suppose I will surely do that though I may not have them in front of my eyes. I might yearn to see some of them again; I might cry; I might feel like a fool again; I might move on and never get time to cry again. My eyes get filled the moment I imagine myself crying. Tears roll the moment I even think of any of my friends crying. I don't have the capacity to see that now.

I can go on and on with today's post. I can write till the sun shines again. But I need some time to cry, some time for myself, some time to settle things within me. I have to meet some friends tomorrow and say them goodbyes. I don't want even a drop of tear to appear in my eyes when I see them leave. I will go into pieces if I see water in any of their eyes tomorrow; I don't know if my crying makes any difference to anybody apart from me; I don't want to make a fool of myself. So much I wish I convert all my heart into words. I am sorry.

My Struggle To Become A Person

2008-07-01T10:41:00.000-05:00

When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie

As every Tuesday and Friday passes by with my case ID still quoted as "Process Pending" it keeps getting more certain that I will have to join Infosys. It was the end of fourth week today and there is still no response from the consulate about my visa. After hearing a lot about four weeks being taken by them for such cases, I hear the response time now as 40 days. I received a packet from Infosys today which contained legal papers I am supposed to sign to start with their training on July 14th at Mysore. June 3rd to July 13th makes it 40 days. I have some decisions to make now.

The case-list gets updated again on July 4th, 8th and 11th. 11th will be my last chance to know if I can book my tickets for Dallas or Mysore. But there is a risk. My most logical conclusion as of now is to postpone my joining date. If I have to do that I will have to do it well before 11th - 11th is a Friday and the list gets updated only after 5 pm. Should I decide after 5 pm to postpone, it's going to be too late. But then again I am not sure how many days more I can take from Infosys. What if I don't get any news from the consulate even then? I will have wasted those days just waiting.

If I go ahead with Infosys and leave Hyderabad on 12th and if I hear from the consulate anytime after that, I will have legal implications binding me with the company. I will have to pay them some good amounts to get rid of the bond. Even if I have to leave in the training period I will have to shell out thousands. If it is after the training I will have to pay them Rs. 75,000 to relieve me of the binding. If I join Infosys I will have to defer my admission in the university by one semester or two semesters at the most. If I defer by one semester I will have to join UTD in January. By then I wil have completed a little less than six months at Infosys but only four months there in some project they might assign me into. If I defer by two semesters I will have to join UTD in August 2009. Even till then my bond of one year won't get over as it starts from the day I am put into some project.

Now if I get my joining date at Infosys postponed by a month - though I am not sure how they will let me do it - I might get to join in August if I don't get the visa by then. My date of reporting at UTD in August 18th so I will definitely miss that if there is no visa. I might get it sometime later enabling me to reach there in January. I will have the option of paying the money to Infosys and leaving them. The other option will be to continue with them till August, then pay the money to leave. In this particular case I will be able to save Rs. 75,000 not putting the burden on my parents. If I want to reach US in January then I will have to take money from my parents which I would strongly hate.

Postponing by a month to wait for the visa and joining Infosys to work for them till August 2009 is the most logical thing I can do now. But that puts emotional implications on me. In my last post here I mentioned my mother telling me how things will be delayed for me by a year. Taken as whole any person reading this will call me a fool if I let it affect me. People viewing all of it from outside will tell me that all these option I have are still a luxury for me. So be it. When I have plans for the coming four years, six years and then 10 years, I will definitely not like even one year being added to each of them. I thank Allah that I don't see failure; I only see delay. I am still so happy alhamdulillah.

If I get the much awaited call from the consulate on 4th or 8th, or if I get it before August 14th after I postpone Infosys's joining date, I won't waste any time sending them my passport and booking the ticket to Dallas or Houston. This would mean that I will not have to waste any time in continuation of my run towards a good job. Infosys too offers a very good job and I should always be thankful to them for recruiting me and letting me have so much honor and peace of mind. I will always be thankful to Allah that I have always had options to choose to from. And this way alhamdulillah not even a single year will be wasted in my quest.

Sometime back two of my friends who are in final year of engineering in my college now called me. They informed that they have made through the selection process of Infosys successfully and in all 129 students were selected. One of them had come to my house some weeks back to listen to what all I had to tell him about the selection process. The other had called me last Sunday to talk about it. Listening to them made me so happy. And I was so glad that they informed me within minutes after the results were declared to them.

Tiramisu

2008-06-30T15:47:00.002-05:00

We tried so hard to create a society that was equal, where there'd be nothing to envy your neighbour. But there's always something to envy. A smile, a friendship, something you don't have and want to appropriate. In this world, even a Soviet one, there will always be rich and poor. Rich in gifts, poor in gifts. Rich in love, poor in love.
- Danilov, Enemy at the gates

After telling that I can join Infosys, when mamma told me that it will just take one year extra for me to 'settle down' in life if I do it, I could clearly see that she understands my fundamental concern. I was glad to hear that she knew why I am being so bothered with the delay in processing of my visa. I received an e-mail from UTD informing me that the fee has been increased which means that it can cost me another 200,000 extra Rupees for the four semesters. I didn't feel any good reading that. But mamma had a solution to it. She seemed to be cool. Then I saw in the university's website that I can defer my admission by one year and that way work for Infosys in the meanwhile till I get the visa; I felt nice. But as mamma said, that it will take one extra year for me, there were several things in my mind and I didn't like it.

Sunday evening when I found some erratic behavior on my computer I turned it off immediately. And when I turned it on it was asking me to insert a bootable device and reboot again. My previous experience told me that my computer's hard-drive had crashed. As if nothing had happened I estimated that it would take me an hour to do run a restoration process and get connected to the Internet again. With no reason, and my mind somewhere else, I lazily disconnected the CD-ROM and pressed the connecting cables of the hard-drive harder onto their sockets. I turned on the machine again and found that everything was in place. It barely affected me.

Saturday evening a few of my friends came over to my house and we were together all night. We started with dinner at a restaurant, then some movies on my computer and finally nehari early morning. We watched 'Euro Trip' and several scenes from 'Troy' and 'The Matrix'. I had seen 'Euro Trip' in parts before. It has some nudity and I was a bit hesitant to watch it. But the movie is hilarious. It's extreme comedy and definitely worth a watch. Friday night I had watched 'Sleepless In Seattle' and a part of 'Enemy At The Gates' yesterday and the rest of it today. 'Sleepless In Seattle' almost got me to crying in the start. I missed some of my friends Saturday night.

The Cost Of Emotional Illitracy

2008-06-26T16:45:00.004-05:00

There's an Italian painter, named Carlotti, and he uh, ahem, defined beauty. He said it was the summation of the parts working together in such a way that nothing needed to be added, taken away or altered, and that's you. You're beautiful.
- Cris Johnson, Next

I could delete two more movies and three episodes of 'How I Met Your Mother' today. If I had to rephrase this it would mean that I watched two movies today - 'Transporter 2' and 'Next' and three episodes of the series I mentioned above. The name is too long so, I am not typing it again. It's not one of the cleanest things on TV but when it's on the computer I can safely put on the headphones and watch it even in my parent's presence. Not that they would object if they heard it, I only don't want them to get interested in what I do on the computer. When my father gets interested in something he asks me to put it on a CD. Whenever my mother gets interested in something she sit with me in front of the screen. Both of these are still fine I suppose but I am not in here for a change in the way I live.

The other day she sat beside me when my profile on Facebook was open. In spite of me telling her that she could see it in my absence when my brother is using the computer, she kept coaxing me to let her see my profile. I did let her read a part of it and the moment she started reading the 'favorite quotes' part I scrolled the page down asking her to read the rest with my brother later. But when I scrolled down the page it stopped at the 'Wall' part. There were a couple of messages from a friend who happens to be a girl presently in Saudi Arabia. This was enough for my mother to get excited. She continues to find no difference between what a girlfriend means and what a friend who happens to be a girl means.

She keeps teasing me always. Though obviously, it all depends on her mood. But like most other people, and I strongly believe that others too are like me on this issue, I don't like my conversations with my friends to be read by my parents. But there is something different with me - I have no problem if they read and listen to everything in my absence and never ask me about it and never change their perspectives about it. They are my parents and they do have the rights to know all about me. But because they have grown up, they, I am sure, have forgotten most of what all they had in their minds when they were of my age. I know many times they haven't questioned me when apparently they should have. I could let them see all my accounts and have them seated beside me every time I use my computer provided that they see it the way I feel it. And that, I believe, is not practically possible.

The word that includes these issues is 'generation gap'. It's a phrase to be precise. And it's something I don't always like to hear more on. It's an unfiltered word used by elders to describe what they cannot or perhaps don't want to understand. I really wonder what my parents think of me - what I do know is that they will let me do everything I want to do because they trust the lessons I have taken from them all these years. I remember getting beaten up for many things when I was a kid, being scolded and taught about what all seemed to be trivial to me, and put into detailed discussions - especially by my father - when my perspectives didn't match with his. But unlike many parents I see who don't have their children involved in decisions they make and the problems they face, my parents always kept me informed. Maybe partly because my brother and I were the only ones they had with them almost all the time at home and also because they thought we both must be made responsible sooner.

Or maybe they just didn't think anything about this and simply continued with whatever came to them. Right from the times my parents argued, they had to talk about some relatives, resolve a problem or even fight about something, I was always there. When I was much younger I used to listen. Then I started speaking up. Then I took to the level of becoming opinionated. And now, I am not sure if I am right in doing this, but more or less I feel this is how it has become because almost everything is decided the way I want it to be, I am dictating them what to do. I give the reason, I accept the responsibility and they let me have it my way. I am not forcing them to agree with my maverick opinions; I am only reminding them of what they have taught me.

My relationship with my parents is not like I hear others having with their parents. I am at a lot of distance from my mother. I can never go and hold her hands whenever I want to, I can never go and put my head on her shoulder or kiss her, I can only talk to her. It has always been like this. I used to hug my father a lot until some years back; I used to rest my head on his arms and sleep beside him. I can't do that anymore. Though, of course, with my father it's this way because I have grown older now, with my mother it is always the same. Once in a week she holds my hands when she finds me doing nothing or touches my cheeks - it's only when she feels like. But I feel happy that at least once a week that happens. And there are times I get irritated too when she touches me.

I don't feel any bad about it because it has always been this way. But I like being shown love. I like it when there is a shoulder I can sleep on - I have done that twice - and it was incredible. Once I slept on my cousin brother's shoulder and once on my brother's. I feel great when my father touches me and plays with my ear lobes like he always does with small children. I still don't mind missing them. I would only miss something I have felt enough of it to fall in love with it - in this context. There are imaginations and apart from taking away time they take nothing else - give nothing either. And I still have no idea what's making me write all this. It's just one of those times when I keep typing what sentences some into my mind. I do trust them. They are more real and untouched. And suddenly I see some good number of paragraphs already written!

There is something in me I haven't always liked. It's a part of me; it's a part of my being. Fundamentally I am supposed to control it. It's a kind of emotion that can be enjoyed to the core but must be tamed. I don't want to control it; I want to get rid of it - temporarily. I know that's quite impossible and should it happen it would throw my life out of the track. 'I don't want to control it, I want to get rid of it' is more out of frustration than intention. Or maybe I am just tired because I know it's not going well. But I am happy and thank Allah that some crucial times were held very well decently.

I had two friends at home yesterday in the night and they stayed up till almost 2:30 am. For the last two days I have gone to bed only after Fajar. Yesterday mamma asked me around 4:15 am if I would be awake for more time and I only said “yes”. Today my father told me that it might affect my health. My reply was about the 7 to 8 hours I was sleeping in a day. I am still waiting to hear from the consulate – the three weeks they said have ended. I expect them to contact me in the coming few days. I pray to Allah that I get the visa at the earliest. So many people tell me that they are praying for me. If it is Infosys Allah wants me to join, I pray I remain happy and satisfied with it.

I Used To Be Better

2008-06-23T11:27:00.005-05:00

I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
- Jessica Rabbit, Who Framed Roger Rabbit

It's serious irritation to see so much spam in Yahoomail. Until some days back I used to check my mailbox daily and clear all the junk. I always had to delete 8 to 10 messages. And this is just the count of the spam delivered into my inbox - there is always more in the bulk mail folder. Gmail too receives but it goes into the spam's folder - they don't make us look for what is unnecessary and delete it manually. I wonder why a service like Yahoo Mail has no proper protection for it's users. I am not like those who just leave mails unchecked if I don't have to open them. It finds me as disorganized when I keep unread mails for long. But now I have decided that I won't checking my mailbox in Yahoo. It will just be a service I have abandoned using. I already have more than 150 unread there. Gmail seems to be the best. No doubt about Hotmail's crediblity.

I finally took along with five friends for a movie yesterday to a theatre. It was my first since I had watch 'I Am Legend'. My friends had gone for one on Saturday too which I skipped because I wanted to spend time with my cousin. Yesterday too something found me hesitant but I decided it soon. The movie was 'Hulk'. I didn't so particularly liked it but it was entertainment. Around 9:15 pm we went to Eat Street. It was reasonless - we just didn't want to disperse immediately. It's always nice to spend some time together and leave only when we feel that there is nothing more to talk. It was good to sit there in front of Hussain Sagar with three friends without talking anything! Saturday I had watched 'The Sixth Sense' at home. It was very good.

A cousin sister came to meet us yesterday. She arrived from Peoria, Illinois just few days back and had been to her in-laws' place in Guntur. I met her infant daughter for the first time. The thing she knew best was to smile. They were at my house for around an hour and she played all the time. Whenever she saw anybody looking at her she smiled back revealing her small two teeth. Unlike many other kids we see she didn't mind sitting on anybody's lap or going out with anybody other than her mother. It was really pleasing to hear her shout and yell. MashAllah.

Moments before I was leaving for the movie yesterday my mother asked me about the number of friends I was going with. I told her there were six of us. Then she asked me if there were any girls too. I said no. She then asked why I was dressing up. I wanted to argue for a while but found it unnecessary. I have never been out of my house except for nearby places without shoes and belt and I never forget perfume, my watch and combing. It was pointless that my mother asked it. I have taken good care of what I wear for many years now - perhaps since the time I got done with my 10th standard.

I was shaving my beard on Saturday when I thought of trying something new. I didn't shave the part below my lower lip. It now appears like French with no mustache and very little beard below the corners of the lower lip. I am not sure if I am going to keep it for long but my brother seems to be too amused. Keeping any new design on face requires regular shaving and trimming and I am of those who do it only when I am going out. So these days because I don't have any places to visit my beard grows unquestioned. My parents make a lot of fun of me calling me Devdas and failed-lover. I am used to it now. It doesn't hurt anymore.

I Can Sense It. It's Not Easy

2008-06-20T13:59:00.002-05:00

What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.
- George Bailey, It's A Wonderful Life

There isn't much that prompted me to write today. I didn't read a book; I didn't watch any movie. I read a lot of sophisticated content on the Internet yesterday- if that can manage to give an 'ununderstandable' explanation of what I read - today I read more of the related but it was rather more elucidated than yesterday's and I watched a comedy show on TV sitting with my father and brother. I have decided that from tomorrow I will give more time to the books and movies I have to finish instead of spending time on the computer listening to only music. The only problem will be that I will miss my friends if they come online in the meanwhile.

I couldn't believe what all they are showing on TV these days. This show named "Comedy Circus" was on a famous Hindi channel and there was a warning scrolling horizontally across the screen at the bottom telling that the show had adult content and children below 18 must watch it under parental guidance. Two things I can tell about this - they do not know what all children of 14 years of age understand these days and, even till 12 midnight it is considered as family time in front of TV at least in the houses of people like me. I know how heavily television channels are being censored these days - even simple bad words are being muted. This show was an antithesis to that.

With a friend today I went to submit my application for the NSR card which Infosys has made it compulsory. We went to the right place at first. When we asked the watchman he asked us to go to some other building on the other side of the street. After searching for a while we called up a friend and took the precise address. The office we had to go to was in the same building whose watchman had made us go somewhere else. And more interestingly, we found flat number 205 at third floor! But talking about Infosys at home is not simple. My mother asked me if we must book tickets to Mysore now; this came at a time when I was looking for the cost of tickets to Dallas Fort Worth Airport and the possible itinerary. I know I am yet to get the visa but I am positive about it. Going to Infy is easy, will have me start earning money, I can spend my own money, but it's something I want to delay. Allah knows what's going to happen. Only time will let me know about it.

My brother returned from my aunt's house today. He had been to some concert in the evening, had enjoyed lots of time with cousins since yesterday afternoon and today he finally decided that it was time to come home. And yes, I think there is something more interesting my brother is doing these days: after putting on the 'spikes' hairstyle, a goatee, playing lots of cricket, table tennis, playing football with the Sudanese, riding almost every bike found on the roads these days, he found a new inclination - snooker. And at nights he is watching Euro 2008 matches. He has already learnt how to stay up till 2 am easily. After he got an assurance that he will get an admission into CSIIT for Bachelor of Architecture for the marks he has scored in NATA he has been enjoying every bit of his time as if somebody has let him off the leash.

My cousin sister who was wholeheartedly preparing for IIT entrance examination couldn't get through the test. Though we all were expecting a lot from her in EAMCET too, we are now very, very happy that she got an admission in VIT for MS integrated five year course in Software Engineering. The only reason to feel sad is that she would be leaving us shortly as her classes start in the first week of July. Even her mother - my aunt - is battling a possible transfer to some other place away from Hyderabad. She had already suffered a lot some years back when she had to make trips to a place named Kamareddy daily. My uncle too has spent a couple of years in Aurangabad away from his family. It's not easy to always get to stay together - stay as the same.

Related Phrases

2008-06-19T05:34:00.004-05:00

About 3 million computers get sold every year in China, but people don't pay for the software. Someday they will, though. As long as they are going to steal it, we want them to steal ours. They'll get sort of addicted, and then we'll somehow figure out how to collect sometime in the next decade.
- Bill Gates, Speech at the University of Washington, as reported in "Gates, Buffett a bit bearish" CNET News (2 July 1998)

I remember my father talking about some chocolate yesterday night after he and mamma returned from some shopping. So, today I opened the fridge to check it out. There was nothing there but when I opened the freezer I impetuously uttered "haa" loudly. There was nobody home so nobody heard it. What I found inside was a very big packet of Kit Kat. Though I have seen bigger boxes of chocolate in the fridge before several times this thing was very, very amusing. I am yet to tear-open the pack but I am keeping patience. There is thrill and excitement in the moments I wait to take on such enjoyments. It's called as happiness.

Yesterday after publishing the last post here I began reading some old ones. The one I particularly enjoyed was "Castaway". It was longer than my usual posts and it was satisfying. Though I don't expect most of it to be understood by those who must have read it, I do believe that there are some things very clearly mentioned. I wasn't rambling. There was no redundancy - whenever I write something that might sound unhealthy, I find it quintessential that I provide as many details as possible and be very specific with what all I mean to say. But of course it's majorly for myself that I right, it always feels great to know that somebody is reading. But when somebody ends up misunderstanding it, it aches.

There always has to be something that makes me write. I don't write just for the sake of it. Something has to motivate me, force me or give at least a nimble reason even if it is very trivial. This post is my 450th on the blog and I know that the last 50 have taken a very long time to come. I give the regards to two reasons for this - I had lost a lot of motivation during these days getting myself involved more in movies, music and other activities and I had to give a lot of thinking for everything I wanted to put here. The second reason is more non-trivial that it may appear. At times it gets difficult to predict how a reader might react to what I have written. Not everybody rely on responding, they only react.

We are all prejudiced, we are all biased and we all show favoritism. We might be guided by our ego on several occasions. Doing the right thing when our heart doesn't allow us is tough. It's hard, but it's harder to ignore illogical inclinations when the rightful has to be done nevertheless. If everything had to occur on merit we would have been living in a totally different world today - I would have been a different person, perhaps this blog would have never existed and maybe I would have had very different people as my friends. I am afraid of this kind of world. Perhaps we are all afraid of meritocracy. But we are going fine with how things exist now.

I got a call from my college's junior asking me to send him all the material necessary to publish the next edition of the department's newsletter Communique. I wonder what he is expecting of me. When I worked on my first issue I had nothing with me making me start from the scratch. I decided on the template, I decided the fonts and I fixed the page layouts. I am sure he already has a copy of it. As long as he has nothing from me he can take the liberty to decide things for himself. But when I mail him the details of the templates and the fonts I am sure he will have a problem in adjusting to them.

That's How I Know It

2008-06-18T14:13:00.000-05:00

We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.
- Mark Twain, Following the Equator

I remember those days when my father had decided to close down his business and moved some of the machinery to a new place handing it over to a guy who used to work for him previously. Mamma too had to go to Sangareddy daily for she had been transferred there as the General Manager of District Co-operative Central Bank of Medak. Daily my brother and I had to take care of what had to be cooked in the nights, instruct the maid, take innumerable instructions from mamma on phone, take care of evening tea and snacks, collect drinking water and even some times wait to see our parents' faces late in the night. It was only after 9 pm that mamma used to arrive home.

Then my father took over the management of a school belonging to his friend. Till date I wonder why exactly he did that. I always wondered how it could be to have a mother who stayed home. Mamma always had to worry about her office, the union leaders who troubled her, the hundreds of employees who worked under her who always had problems with every decision made, the targets she had to meet and the responsibilities she had to carry. She had started to hate her cell phone. After several requests made to the Managing Director of the head office, meeting some MLAs and consulting several people she could finally get herself back to Hyderabad. Then some months later my father started working with his brother for the Trust's schools which had been previously managed by some other relatives who had brought a lot of disgrace to the Trust which was supposed to serve the poor around that place.

It was those months when my father had nothing to do which were terrible. Money was not much of an issue but still mamma had decided that we must cut back on expenses. She had made us stop using the car, we stopped going to restaurants, neither were we getting any food from outside, there were plans to purchase some appliances for home and she had dropped those plans. This was just for a very short period - two months I guess - but it left a mark on me. Though it didn't cause any pain, it taught me some very important things which otherwise I wouldn't have ever realized. Because I was always allowed to handle my money I knew how important it is to save. My father always had opposite beliefs - he never saves.

When I got most of our liquid and fixed assets evaluated as a proof of financial worthiness to be shown at the consulate I realized how well my mother has managed to make it so comfortable for my brother and me. She had earned what people don't in the whole of their lifetime. It was mostly because she was taught about delayed gratification by her father and also because she studied commerce and mastered it. Whatever it was, she succeeded in her objective as my mother. My father on the other hand had different priorities for himself but he always managed to give my brother and me the love we couldn't get from our mother because she was not home when we needed her.

Mamma always spent money on home, my brother and me. She didn't leave even a small gap in what all that had to be filled. But when she comes home daily, I greet her with a big smile and all happiness in my heart and she only greets back with no smile on her face, it beats all reasons to my happiness. She has the habit to remain tensed about everything. Whenever she gets frustrated at her office she pours it at home. She shows love only when it is convenient to her, she shows affection only when she feels like - not when I need it. I don't complain for what she is and how she is. I only wonder how it could have been if my parents had remained more appropriate to their roles. It's all how Allah wants it to be and I am pretty satisfied.

From what I hear from my parents there are people who want my father's schools and the Trust which is in his grandmother's name to be sold. The sole purpose of this establishment is social service through educating the poor and the needy at a very low fee. The Trust was started by my father's aunt when she deposited a huge amount in a bank for the Trust to be run. I wonder why there are people who want to defeat this purpose. There are hundreds of poor who bless those who work for these schools and those who have contributed to it in any form. I know its value runs into crores of rupees but that's not what it is meant for. It is meant for charity. It is meant for the Aakhirat of my great grandmother and all those who are involved in the noble cause. I know as long as my uncle is the managing trustee this purpose will be met in the best possible way Allah decides.

The best part of the whole of my family has been our self-dependence and independence from what other relatives had to decide or do. My parents can take decisions without having to contact anybody else - elder or younger in relation. Nobody has to ask for any big favors now. We chose our directions and live our lifestyles and when we meet each other we are all at peace. I have seen other people who are bound by relations and families and commitments to other relatives. Alhamdulillah what I see among my relatives is all perfect. I am glad for all the people I have.

The other day when I was with my friends we had a short talk on those who are problematic with their swollen egos. Today I did absolutely nothing all through the day sitting home wondering what went wrong and this talk struck my mind. I couldn't get to the other end of the answer to why people are bogged up with their egos and create problems with people around them and some times even friends. Alhamdulillah I haven't really experienced anything wrong going on involving me but there are some distasteful patches at some places. There is envy and jealousy which I cannot understand and I might be unable to explain it to anybody even if I get to the other end. Possession of no amount of money, endurance of no amount of pain and neither does any amount of self-love entitles a person to tell that he can stop talking to others or disregard them. What is right is right no matter how difficult it is for a person to behave right.

I have an acquaintance who was rejected F1 visa today. He said there were eight straight rejections before him and he was the 9th. I really had all my heart with him and wanted him to return home successful but it was saddening when I heard the news. I completely agree that Americans have full rights to deny any person entry into their state and I should not complain even if they reject me. What I pity is the seriousness involved in it. I know I didn't feel good when I was put on hold and I also know what I would have felt had I been rejected. I would have rather become more social if things had become too negative. I will always prefer accepting my ignorance than just talking crap to entertain others to grab their attention. I also believe that being normal involves letting others too remain normal - not in stopping them from being how they would be if there was no pressure on them. That is not normal even remotely. And that is how I know it. That is how I conceive of it.

Pouvez-Vous Expliquer?

2008-06-17T15:34:00.001-05:00

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.
- Jennifer James

It gives excitement to do unorthodox things. Saturday, after I reached home around 9:15 pm, with my parents and brother, I went to a bakery near my house to buy burgers. Then we sat in the car at a quite place by the side of a road on our way to Softy Den to have these burgers. After having ice cream we went to my aunt's house nearby. My father hurt his shin while kicking start his two-wheeler last week and he wanted to consult my cousin. My cousin had an off so was at home like as it was last Sunday. I was tired when I finally reached home.

That was the second ice cream of the day for me. Earlier in the day I had met my friends at City Center, had lunch at Bowl - O - China and spent some time at Eat Street where I had my first cone of the day. A few minutes after I reached home from Eat Street a friend picked me up and we went to see off a friend who was leaving for Bangalore. He missed his bus at the starting point and boarded it finally at the stop at Lakdikapul. Just a day before that I had met him thinking that it was possibly the last time for the time-being. It just wasn't the case and we met again on Saturday.

On Sunday I finally woke up at 2 pm hearing my phone ring for the second time. An hour later I was at Eat Street again with two friends. We were there for four hours - we had serious talks, we had some jokes and some discussions. There were no pointless talks for those four hours. By the time I reached home it was 7:40 pm and I started for my aunt's house in Malakpet. It was my uncle's birthday and also some of my distant relatives from Warangal were here on a visit so we had a get-together. I was inexplicably tired and feeling sleepy but I had to drive back home. I was so happy to see no heavy traffic - the last time I had passed by that road in the night it was full of trucks.

Monday morning I met a friend at Masab Tank. Then we went to Apple iStore and Music World before reaching college - he had to buy the VCD of the movie 'Nikah' at Music World. 'Nikah' is the only movie till now we couldn't find on the Internet to download. After spending hardly 30 minutes in the college we went to Sarvi and returned college an hour later. After college it was Jagdish market and then finally back home. He dropped me and left to report at his office. His timings these days are 5 pm to 2 am.

My post till now has been full of facts. It's nice to have such facts to write to please myself knowing that I did something in the last few days. Apart from going to my grandmother's house for sometime there isn't anything I did today. Also I walked almost 5 milometers. And I have no idea what I am going to do tomorrow or the day after or in the days to come. My cousin is here from Kyrgyzstan so maybe I can go meet him. I can also meet a friend who only seems to give late replies to my messages on Facebook but never thinks of coming to my house. And of course I also have to meet a friend who got his F1 visa a few days back. But I might not be doing these tomorrow. A friend had called me today and I will call him back in the morning and ask him to come to my house. There are very, very little chances that he would come.

From The Moment I Could Talk

2008-06-13T14:18:00.007-05:00

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
- Jim Valvano

It was yet another day of telling a goodbye. My friend who was supposed to leave for Bangalore today is leaving tomorrow so he paid a last minute visit to my residence just sometime back. I was so glad to see him and wanted to make him stay longer. He asked if we could stand outside with the cool breeze and talk mentioning that coming inside would remind him of all the times we enjoyed in my house. I insisted that he came in. He will be joining Accenture at Bangalore on Monday and was a little displeased that he was not being provided with accommodation. Somehow the people at the company had come to know about his sister's presence in the town and asked him to stay with her whereas he has no such plans.

As I do with all my friends almost every time I went down stairs with him to see him off. It seemed like just all the times I walked with him down that way. We stood outside for a while as he left. We hoped that we meet someday for sure. Being in contact is absolutely no problem. I asked him to loose some weight, never put too much heart into girls there in Bangalore and insisted that he continued with studies after a year in Accenture. Then of course there were things I cannot write here for the same reason why I cannot write why I had to tell him the second thing. It was sweet that he came to meet me; it was tasteless when he left.

In the morning I called up a friend informing him that I will be at his house around 1:15 pm. Then I went to sleep. By the time I reached his place it was 1:45 pm and we attended the Juma prayers for 2 pm. Another friend was already there when I reached his place and we had good time laughing and teasing each other. I even had a taste of guitar at his house. One of them came over to my house later and I copied the 2nd and 3rd seasons of 'How I Met Your Mother' from his ipod. I even got that concert by Shahrukh Khan with many cricket players in it which was aired on Sahara One some months back. It's something I was look out for for a long time now.

Epiphany

2008-06-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry my existence is not very noble or sublime.
- Keanu Reeves

The next three paragraphs were written by me around 5:15 pm Thursday. I wanted to write and let some words out badly then. Then power went off; and it kept fluctuating for a lot of time. Then the connection to the Internet was troublesome. Things are somehow fine now. I just finished watching the movie 'A Walk In The Clouds'. I wanted to cry all the while; it was not the movie though. I have been feeling that for many hours now. I know tomorrow will be a new sun and I will be fresh again. As of now it's nice to be connected and I am chatting with a friend - it's always great to do that.

It's never easy on ears and heart to hear about any deaths. I have been hearing quite a few these days but the most bitter came when my brother informed me about my late grandfather's friend's demise today afternoon. He was a neighbor for many decades, a friend of my father too and always a well wisher for our family. He is a distant relative from my maternal aunt's side. He is well known in the locality for all the work he did for the betterment of that place. It's a shocking news to us all and I pray Allah grants peace to his family.

Today was one of those days when you get to hear some discomforting things one by one. It's drizzling outside and I wanted to spend some time doing nothing so, I went upstairs to the terrace. I just looked around, stared down all the four parapet walls, looked at the entrance to the street that has been blocked due to some digging up of the road to lay water pipes and hoped things turn better in the days to come. I wanted to call up a friend and tell him that I love him for what he is. But I suppose this is not the right time to do it. I am waiting to see him.

I spoke to both my parents in the last one hour. I informed my father about the death and by the time I spoke to my mother she already knew about it. Mother said that it was raining heavily at Abids and I hope she arrives home safely. The funeral will be performed after Ishan and I am yet to hear about the place. My brother will be staying at an aunt's place in the night. I was a kind of feeling good about him staying awake late in the nights watching TV or reading something all these days. Tonight I will be alone with my computer. It's not so sad at all; I just need to freshen up myself. I haven't met anybody outside house since Sunday - it's five days now being at home all the time and I need to meet my friends.

So, these were the three paragraphs. My brother stayed home with us and not at aunt's place. Mother reached home a little after 7:15 pm and when father was home a lot later he was fully drenched in water. We didn't go to the funeral as it was still raining. I simply cannot understand what I am feeling right now. It's as if I've lost something but not able to figure it out. Something seems to be incomplete yet nothing relative has changed. One of my friends is leaving for Bangalore tomorrow to start with his job in Accenture and I hope to see him once. I even want to go to another friend's house. I cannot explain how much I have been waiting for Friday to come. Because I will be going out of my house and also meeting some of my close people.

The Only One I can Say That To

2008-06-11T16:31:00.001-05:00

When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convenient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that.
- King Baldwin IV, Kingdom of Heaven

The other day I was talking about the king Asoka with my father when he told me that history books don't tell us who the king of Kalinga was. I remember reading in school how Asoka after having fought the Battle of Kalinga was moved by the sight of hundreds of soldiers lying dead and then moved on to become a symbol of peace and secularism. He is said to have met some monk, when he took on a journey to salvation, who guided him to become the famous Asoka as we all know. I wonder why our historians didn't formulate anything about the King of Kalinga at that time. Who was the king Asoka fought? Or will the question "did the Battle of Kalinga ever take place?" be a valid argument? This is just a small instance of several missing and unexplained pieces in history as presented to us.

A good example that explains why precisely the history we get to study in our schools is corrupt is one of Aurangzeb. He has been termed as a 'Sunni bigot'. I personally don't know much about him except that he used to write copies of the Holy Quran with his own hands to earn his living. Though he spent excessive money on building monuments and took taxes from non-Muslims, there is no documented proof that he was any bad - only the books say so. I visited Aurangabad several years back and I remember seeing a that had infrastructure built by Aurangzeb for the benefit of his subjects. Those who accept the fictitious details given in our books are no better than those who have written them.

We are told about how beautiful the Taj Mahal is and how well it is a symbol of love. I have never seen it and I find nothing glorious in it that makes me want to see it. Maybe it is the most beautiful of all the monuments on the earth but what I know about it is that it was built by spending millions of Rupees belonging to people and the man who built it had several wives. I don't know what made him do it. What I do know is that love cannot be symbolised. The same books that talk of love also tell us that our ancestors were animals resembling monkeys. It's the theory of evolution. What we are not told is that Einstein himself has said he was not sure of what he has put forth but he believes in it because it enabled him to explain many questions about our existence. Can ever love evolve? No religion supports the theory of evolution. We believe in facts and truths.

We cannot fight every fallacy we see but what we can do is let others know about it at least. Whenever I hear anybody tell that nothing like love exists I am reminded of a verse from the Holy Quran: "And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." Allah uses the word "love" several times in His book. Allah says He loves us. It's better we all remember what Allah has to tell. It's foolishness to deny what has been put in our hearts. For some it can be inconvenient, for those like me it is the answer.

Apart from a couple of chats, some cleaning, reading of a part of a book and finishing the rest of the part of the movie 'Kingdom of Heaven' there was hardly anything I did today. I was expecting a call from a friend but his off-liners told me that I was forgotten somewhere and so there was no call. That wasn't nice to think about - being forgotten. I am to blame somehow - it's comfortable to put it that way. With no hard feeling I will leave this behind me as there is simply no other option other than quibbling only to loose peace. I am looking ahead for tomorrow, the day after, and the days there off. Nobody can complain about me being excessive about the word 'love'. I will take complains about 'chocolate' just to enjoy it. I can keep that amusement forever - the word 'chocolate'; I must be precise. Somehow I am not comfortable with today's title and also with what I had written in the post 'Awe' dated June 9th, 2008. But what has been written has been written - it will stay undeterred.

Encore

2008-06-10T09:05:00.003-05:00

You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
- John Wooden

I had to work through the day today to make it pass. I had my brother home so I was a kind of relaxed with no worries to think about who was coming and going. I even finished the first season of 'How I Met Your Mother' finally after having it kept for a month almost. There are 30 movies on my computer I am yet to watch and most of them are good ones. It's funny how I get lazy when it comes to even entertaining myself. I always tend to have some preference or a mood that guides my behaviour when it comes to passing time. The other morning I went to sleep a little before 4 am with happiness on my face - partly because I had received my joining date at Infosys and I lay on the bed trying to figure out what the other part was about.

I don't intend to join Infosys as long as I am getting the visa but I was worried that I would be called before I get the visa. July 14th is more than a month away so that's a part of my happiness. But after imagining the days to come for a few moments I got into thinking if I could really go ahead with Infosys even if I get the visa. I know this sounds ridiculous and I need to put a cap on my whims. To be frank I find it as the easier way to opt for. I will start getting a salary, I will be a little closer to my parents and I will be with my dearest friends. But I still know what I am going to do and I will do it with a big heart.

I thought it was going to rain heavily yesterday when temperature came down and it started to shower; but it was dry again today. I am hoping to see sky breaking down and pouring. I would go out on the terrace and spend some time with the rain and smell the perfumed earth. The number of trees in the surrounding areas have come down drastically with the major deforestation process carried out by the Indian army when they built several buildings for World Military Games last year. I wonder why the government makes such a hue and cry about forests when one of its own major departments chopped down hundreds of trees to facilitate some gaming festival here. And military men are very bad drivers - they drive their trucks on city roads as if they own them.

Awe

2008-06-09T10:50:00.003-05:00

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth.
- Benjamin Disraeli

I didn't know how I was going to spend the rest of my day when I got out of bed in the morning but a discrete short chat with a friend reminded me of the voluminous 'My Videos' folder I have on my computer's hard-drive and the first season of 'How I Met Your Mother' still left to be watched. I watched a few more episodes, listened to some music, slept again in the evening, watched another episode and here I am. There is a friend online I am chatting with right now and he seems to be watching some movie I had once enjoyed and liked a lot. It had Brad Pitt in one of the lead roles and the movie was awesome.

One of the reasons I went to sleep in the evening was disconnection from the Internet apart from a sleepy eye. I am looking at a lot of things around to get big on something seriously. Reading and watching movies are just regular and seldom do I get carried away by even the most intriguing entertainments. I didn't completely forget something too painstaking I had almost a year back. It did actually had got me carried away. I have always had some lovely people around and it can't continue now by any means. But whenever I get to talk to any of my friends it's not at all so bad.

I am almost used to this new way of living now - of having nothing to do, not knowing what exactly the coming month is going to show me and not knowing who are the ones with whom I am going to spend most of my time with a few months from now. I remember when I was in my Intermediate studies and Engineering 1st year both my parents would tell me that I didn't know how to make friends. Once when my uncle had asked me why I never got along with anybody in the college I had replied "the way I don't have my school friends with me now, I might not have the people with whom I could probably get along now in the later part of my life". That was perhaps an answer not expected from an 18 year old. And that was a lame answer. It was like refusing to live because that risked dying.

Saturday night I watched the movie 'The Shawshank Redemption'. The movie was already too serious and touchy and by the time I started logging out of all my accounts to switch off my computer I scrolled my messenger's list to see it all grey. Now, that's not something new but my heart was already in a low and the messenger presented a disheartening sight. I slept and woke up fresh to a Sunday. In the evening I went out to have pizza with my parents and also met my aunt. My cousin had an off at his hospital which gave me a chance to ask him if he had started preparing for his marriage. He said he was too busy these days and was about to start with his second year of DNB.

A couple of weeks back I had installed Yahoo Messenger after having used Pidgin for several months. Today I logged in through Pidgin again and felt that this way I might see more people online! I had got used to Pidgin, I had got used to seeing people online there and it was when college was on; so I felt nice using it again. But I know that's not how it goes. The fact that I say I am almost used to this new living, I have to convert that 'almost' into 'completely' before I move on the something 'extremely' new. I am looking ahead for that though it could be a difficult transition.

I am worried about something that has been going on in my mind for some time now. The biggest problem is that things are going to remain good as long as I keep it in my mind. Maybe some years later I can tell everybody about it with an apology - though it's not at all something to apologise for - explaining them that it was genuine, had to be kept under cover to continue how things were and that we are mature enough to understand what it was and why it could be told only so late. I am sure I won't be condemned then - I will look for a time when most of us are at least committed and have made many friends leaving me behind. That way my words won't come harsh and will be judged trivial.

We are not exactly that people we see the in mirrors. We have our intentions, some meaningless, some too genuine to be explained, we have our desires, we have questions like "why can I not get everything I want to have?", we have answers for those kind of questions, we have our ways to confront reality or at least tell ourselves that we have done it and we have our ways to tell the truth. I never ask "why can I not get everything I want to have?", I wonder how I could get nearly everything I ought to have some times without even knowing I already have it and just realizing it someday. I am sure I will get over this worry I have in me soon inshAllah.